When I was in high school, some of my friends used to play a card game in which one had to learn the game by playing it and no one could tell you the rules. I think they made it up, but I don't know. I didn't play it. They would all sit in a circle laying down cards, and stating phrases like, "and now for something completely different..." I never did learn the rules of the game, and I imagined I would be very frustrated if I were to attempt it.
Lately, I have been doing some research on domestic violence for a workshop I am putting together, and it occurs to me that being in that kind of a relationship must be something like a much more violent and threatening version of that game. It seems like only one person in the relationship knows what the rules are, and the other person keeps trying to figure them out and getting abused for their ignorance. (Please note, I am not calling them "stupid" -- which implies inability to learn -- but "ignorant" -- which implies not knowing.) Sadly, the one rule is that the one being abused cannot win. This rule, however, is never communicated, and the person being abused is left trying fruitlessly to "get it right" so that the abuse stops.
The phenomenon of domestic violence is not new. It has probably been around as long as people have been pairing up. Like most trauma, however, we often don't want to believe it exists. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, approximately 20 people per minute are physically abused by a partner in the United States. This does not include verbal abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, or financial abuse. Too often, people are ashamed to talk about what happens behind closed doors, and that shame is often reinforced by questions from others like, "Why don't you just leave, then?' or "What did you do to piss him off?" If only things were that simple.
By and large, domestic violence relationships don't start out the way they end. The abusive partner often starts out very charismatic and attentive. He or she lavishes gifts, praise, and compliments on the intended partner. They frequently move the relationship along quickly, leaving the partner little time to think. Slowly but surely, they begin crossing the partner's boundaries and cutting them off from their support system. ("Do you really have to go see your mom today? I was hoping you could come to the new exhibit at the art museum with me today. You can always go see her next week, right?" "You know your dad's against me. I don't want you spending time with him." "I don't like how your friends dress. You can do better than them. Let's go out to dinner together instead," etc.
Gradually, things shift so that the abuser is finding little flaws in the partner (whether or not they exist) and begins creating the belief that the partner needs to fix these things, and then things will be fine. The failings and flaws generally become greater and more numerous, and the punishment becomes more vicious. Frequently, the abuser would say something like, "If you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have had to do Y. You know I don't like doing that to you. Why do you make me do that?"
The above is not a universal pattern, but is representative of what often does happen. There is a concept known as the Cycle of Domestic Violence that describes the typical pattern:
We start in the honeymoon phase. All is sweetness and light, and the abuser is loving and attentive. Gradually, we enter the tension building phase. The abuser has become more critical, angry, and degrading. The tension builds until the violent episode or explosion occurs. The explosion can be physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, or any combination of the above. After the explosion, we go back to the honeymoon period in which the abuser is giving apologies (while blaming the abused), giving gifts, and making promises. Thus the cycle repeats.
By the time most people are ready to get out of the relationships, their self-esteem is all but obliterated, they have little or no support system, and they may have no access to resources. Abusers often take control of the household finances and may even have control of documents such as birth certificates and Social Security cards. All the while, the person being abused is conditioned to believe that the problems are all his or her fault. Furthermore, the abuser may threaten the abused with physical violence (toward the abused or others), lack of access to children, lack of access to needed documents (including passports or green cards for those not from the U.S.), interference with work or other relationships, even death. Getting out is not simple.
Furthermore, just getting out does not bring safety for the abused. The first 72 hours are especially dangerous and the most likely time frame for the abused to be attacked or killed. Once they do get out, they have to find someplace to stay. They may be afraid to go to family either because of the separation that has been created with them or because they fear harm to their family members if they are found there. Guilt and shame may also play a role. If they have no money and no documentation, it will be difficult to find shelter, employment, or even transportation. When the stress becomes too much, many will return to their abusive homes due to lack of options and face even greater danger and abuse. Even if they do get out and stay out, the recovery is just starting, and much difficult work lies ahead. The person coming out very often does not feel much like the person who went in.
All of this sounds very dour and dire, and it is. People's lives and livelihoods are threatened this way much too often. Much of the abuse is kept hidden, and those abused are riddled with guilt and shame. Abused men, in particular, can have a difficult time seeking and accepting help because of the assumption that men should be able to take care of themselves. There is hope, however.
Most states have domestic violence hotlines available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is : 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). In my state, Georgia, the hotline is 1-800-33HAVEN. These hotlines have trained therapists available to help abused people find resources and make plans to get out safely. When possible, it is helpful to have a plan in place and to have whatever resources possible available before someone tries to leave. Many organizations exist to help those who have been in abusive relationships, and they can help with finding safe housing, getting employment, and providing needed support in legal proceedings.
A trained therapist can also help. Some can help with finding a way out, and others can help once someone has gotten out to help that person regain a sense of self and safety. There are support groups available as well. It takes time to move from being a victim to being a survivor to thriving, but it can happen.
If you believe someone is being abused, try not to judge them. Listen to them and let them know that you are there for them. You can help connect them to support through a hotline or a therapist. They may not feel comfortable calling a helpline themselves because their partner monitors their calls or does not allow them to make calls. Remember that leaving without a plan is not recommended and that they may need time to be able to leave. Let them know they are not forgotten or alone.
If you are being abused, I hope you will contact one of the above numbers or speak with a trusted friend who can help you. You are not alone. It is not your fault. You cannot change your abuser, so focus on doing what you can to take care of yourself.
Purple is the color of domestic violence awareness. I hope this post has helped you better understand some of the dynamics and issues of domestic violence. I am not an expert, but I am learning more every day. This post is not at all exhaustive of the available information or the issues inherent in domestic violence, and I hope you will do what you can to learn more. Volunteers are always needed. People escaping abusive situations need food, clothing, shelter, and housing supplies. They also need support, understanding, and patience. I hope you will give what you can. I thank you for letting me make your understanding a little more purple. If you have been hurt by domestic violence and need someone to talk to, I hope you will find me. I believe in hope and healing, and I would be honored to help you find yours.
(Statistics cited from NCADV. (2015). Domestic violence national statistics. Retrieved from www.ncadv.org)
Monday, March 28, 2016
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Belief and Trauma -- Why What We Believe Matters
Before I write this, I want to acknowledge that I have not done extensive research on this particular subject and I do not consider myself an expert. What this is, however, is something I have considered and observed with many clients. These are my musings and my theories.
Lately, I have found myself discussing trauma with a number of clients and exploring why the trauma matters so much. My clients have experienced everything from sexual abuse to domestic violence to emotional neglect to physical abuse and beyond. Certainly there are some traumatic experiences that appear obvious: hurricanes, wartime experiences, random acts of violence, rape, etc. Others are less easily identified: emotional neglect, emotional abuse, acquaintance/marital rape, and psychological abuse to identify a few.
What ties all of these experiences together? My belief is that it is the message we receive about ourselves as a result. This is particularly true about relational trauma (trauma that happens between people in some form of relationship rather than an act of a stranger or of nature), but also true about other forms of trauma as well. Trauma tells us something about who we are and what our value is as well as what we can expect from the world.
The example that I have been pondering with my clients is this:
Suppose I tripped and accidentally knocked my son down the stairs and he broke his arm. How would this affect him differently than if I had pushed him on purpose and he broke his arm? (I wouldn't, incidentally, but I wanted to set up an example. I hope you know me better than that by now.)
The response I get from my clients is generally, "intent." I think this is true from my perspective, but I am not sure that my son could consider intent. My guess is that the difference would be what the action told him about himself. If it is an accident and I come and tend to him, hug him, snuggle him, and do what I can to find him help and healing, that gives a much different experience than if I just leave him at the base of the stairs crying or if I yell at him to stop being such a baby and get over it. The first says, "I love you, I value you, and you are worth more than what just happened to you." Furthermore, I would take responsibility for the action, and this would continue to reinforce that message. The second says, "You are worthless, disposable, not good enough, and only useful for me to take out my anger on." Those are much different experiences. My son emotionally would recover much faster and more easily from the former than the latter.
One instance of abuse is bad enough, but when abuse and neglect are repeated, the negative beliefs about self are reinforced, potentially to the point of creating a strong negative sense of self. We all search for meaning and understanding in our lives, and, particularly in the case of trauma, we are not comfortable with not having a cause and effect relationship. So, in absence of a better answer, we often blame ourselves. This is equally true for physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as well as physical and emotional neglect.
Sex in itself is not a bad thing and does not have to be hurtful. Accidents happen. Sometimes we struggle to get our physical needs met. In each of these cases, emotional support and comforting can help to ameliorate the impact. When emotional support is not given or is actively taken away, the impact is intensified.
One of my big beliefs in working with trauma is "you can't compare pain." What has happened to each person affects them, and there is no comparison. I find, though, that it is particularly difficult for those whose abuse was largely verbal or psychological to accept their experiences as being as valid as those who suffered physically or sexually. In my belief, it is the emotional impact that matters, and this is what I tend to focus on.
Trauma recovery is not just about learning how to manage and store one's experiences but also about challenging and changing the beliefs that we develop about ourselves as a result of what has happened. My goal as a therapist is to help my clients develop a more balanced view of themselves and to reconnect with themselves as wonderful, valuable human beings.
If you have been hurt in any of the above ways, I hope you can find someone to help you navigate these experiences and rebuild your sense of self. What happens to you does not define who you are but what you have to deal with. If you need someone to talk to, I hope you will find me. I would love to help you find your way back to yourself. Whoever you are, you matter.
Lately, I have found myself discussing trauma with a number of clients and exploring why the trauma matters so much. My clients have experienced everything from sexual abuse to domestic violence to emotional neglect to physical abuse and beyond. Certainly there are some traumatic experiences that appear obvious: hurricanes, wartime experiences, random acts of violence, rape, etc. Others are less easily identified: emotional neglect, emotional abuse, acquaintance/marital rape, and psychological abuse to identify a few.
What ties all of these experiences together? My belief is that it is the message we receive about ourselves as a result. This is particularly true about relational trauma (trauma that happens between people in some form of relationship rather than an act of a stranger or of nature), but also true about other forms of trauma as well. Trauma tells us something about who we are and what our value is as well as what we can expect from the world.
The example that I have been pondering with my clients is this:
Suppose I tripped and accidentally knocked my son down the stairs and he broke his arm. How would this affect him differently than if I had pushed him on purpose and he broke his arm? (I wouldn't, incidentally, but I wanted to set up an example. I hope you know me better than that by now.)
The response I get from my clients is generally, "intent." I think this is true from my perspective, but I am not sure that my son could consider intent. My guess is that the difference would be what the action told him about himself. If it is an accident and I come and tend to him, hug him, snuggle him, and do what I can to find him help and healing, that gives a much different experience than if I just leave him at the base of the stairs crying or if I yell at him to stop being such a baby and get over it. The first says, "I love you, I value you, and you are worth more than what just happened to you." Furthermore, I would take responsibility for the action, and this would continue to reinforce that message. The second says, "You are worthless, disposable, not good enough, and only useful for me to take out my anger on." Those are much different experiences. My son emotionally would recover much faster and more easily from the former than the latter.
One instance of abuse is bad enough, but when abuse and neglect are repeated, the negative beliefs about self are reinforced, potentially to the point of creating a strong negative sense of self. We all search for meaning and understanding in our lives, and, particularly in the case of trauma, we are not comfortable with not having a cause and effect relationship. So, in absence of a better answer, we often blame ourselves. This is equally true for physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as well as physical and emotional neglect.
Sex in itself is not a bad thing and does not have to be hurtful. Accidents happen. Sometimes we struggle to get our physical needs met. In each of these cases, emotional support and comforting can help to ameliorate the impact. When emotional support is not given or is actively taken away, the impact is intensified.
One of my big beliefs in working with trauma is "you can't compare pain." What has happened to each person affects them, and there is no comparison. I find, though, that it is particularly difficult for those whose abuse was largely verbal or psychological to accept their experiences as being as valid as those who suffered physically or sexually. In my belief, it is the emotional impact that matters, and this is what I tend to focus on.
Trauma recovery is not just about learning how to manage and store one's experiences but also about challenging and changing the beliefs that we develop about ourselves as a result of what has happened. My goal as a therapist is to help my clients develop a more balanced view of themselves and to reconnect with themselves as wonderful, valuable human beings.
If you have been hurt in any of the above ways, I hope you can find someone to help you navigate these experiences and rebuild your sense of self. What happens to you does not define who you are but what you have to deal with. If you need someone to talk to, I hope you will find me. I would love to help you find your way back to yourself. Whoever you are, you matter.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Whence Comes Forgiveness?
Ordinarily, when I am writing this blog, I tend to write about something about which I have been pondering and on which I have found some level of resolution. This, I think, will not be like that. It is a question I am still exploring, but maybe I will find some clarity discussing it. I hope you will bear with me on this.
"Forgiveness" is a topic that comes up frequently in therapy, particularly with clients who have been through some level of trauma. They seem to have a lot of pressure to forgive without having a clear understanding of what that means or what it would look like. Furthermore, many people have grown up with the notion of "forgive and forget," and the latter is nearly impossible for trauma survivors. Frankly, I think forgiveness is a good thing but forgetting is unwise.
So, I guess if we are going to discuss the idea of forgiveness, we need a workable definition. This can be a bit squirrely for some people, particularly those with certain faith backgrounds. As a therapist, I try not to pull from a religious definition, not because I don't have faith, but because I feel it is not my place to tell others what to believe. I am happy to discuss your faith with you and how that affects your concept of forgiveness, but I am not likely to start from that space in that conversation.
My understanding is that the concept of forgiveness, in itself, arose from monetary transactions. The example I give to my clients is this:
Suppose I asked you for $200. (I wouldn't, by the way. I do have some ethics. But go with me on this.) So, I ask you for the money, and you give it to me. I promise I will give it back when I see you next week. Next week comes, and I don't pay you back. I apologize, give an excuse, and say I will pay you the next week. Say this continues for many weeks or months. This may escalate in a number of ways, but let's say I never pay you back, despite my promises and protestations to the contrary. Forgiveness in that sense would mean writing off the debt. You would be saying that you no longer have any belief that I am going to pay you and you are not going to put any more energy into trying to get that money back. The money is gone, and it's not coming back.
What are the implications of this? Well, the first part is that you have accepted that the money is not coming back. You feel you have done everything you can or are willing to do to get financial remuneration from me. You are done with filing legal charges, hiring private detectives, calling out a hit squad (just kidding, I hope), whatever. You are done with that interaction.
Second, you probably won't lend me money again. (I don't blame you.) This is where the "forgetting" concept is unwise. If you know I'm a bad credit risk, you're less likely to give me that chance again. If forgiving and forgetting were synonymous, a lot more people would have a lot less money. Not expecting me to pay you back does not mean that you have to lend me money again. You are welcome and encouraged to learn from the experience.
Finally, not expecting the money to come back does not mean that you don't still have problems related to what happened. Maybe you can't pay your light bill or your rent or buy your groceries because you gave that money to me. Maybe your own credit is affected. There can certainly still be repercussions. Forgiveness, then, does not necessarily mean that things don't hurt anymore, but it does mean you have stopped looking for things to be different or to gain back what you have lost. You are able to move past wanting things to be different and into healing.
The question for me is how we get to the point of forgiveness and how we know we are there. A client of mine was mentioning that the rational part of her had decided to forgive someone. When she said that, I was taken aback. I had never considered forgiveness to be a rational decision. As I discussed it with her, I found I wasn't sure where that decision came from. Is it rational? Spiritual? Emotional? I think I have always just thought we had a sense of knowing that we were at that point. I don't know exactly how we get there. It seems more than an intellectual decision. That seems too simplistic to me, yet I don't have a better answer.
What I do know is that we cannot forgive, not sincerely, if we are not ready. If we are not done with trying to get things to change, to get our remuneration or revenge, or believing that things "should"
be different, trying to force ourselves to forgive is an exercise in frustration and guilt. We cannot be done until we are done. We have to do the work before we can forgive. Needing to do the work is not a sign of weakness. We cannot be there until we get there. Remember, readiness is different than willingness or potential.
Have you been able to forgive someone? What was that decision like? How did you know you were ready? I'm curious to explore more on the subject. I believe that forgiveness happens, and I know some of the steps toward getting there, but I am curious about that moment when we know we are done. What do you believe? I would love to continue this conversation with you. If you have not been able to forgive yet, I hope you will give yourself some grace. If you need help with that, I hope you will find me. I would like to walk this road with you for awhile. Perhaps we can learn together.
"Forgiveness" is a topic that comes up frequently in therapy, particularly with clients who have been through some level of trauma. They seem to have a lot of pressure to forgive without having a clear understanding of what that means or what it would look like. Furthermore, many people have grown up with the notion of "forgive and forget," and the latter is nearly impossible for trauma survivors. Frankly, I think forgiveness is a good thing but forgetting is unwise.
So, I guess if we are going to discuss the idea of forgiveness, we need a workable definition. This can be a bit squirrely for some people, particularly those with certain faith backgrounds. As a therapist, I try not to pull from a religious definition, not because I don't have faith, but because I feel it is not my place to tell others what to believe. I am happy to discuss your faith with you and how that affects your concept of forgiveness, but I am not likely to start from that space in that conversation.
My understanding is that the concept of forgiveness, in itself, arose from monetary transactions. The example I give to my clients is this:
Suppose I asked you for $200. (I wouldn't, by the way. I do have some ethics. But go with me on this.) So, I ask you for the money, and you give it to me. I promise I will give it back when I see you next week. Next week comes, and I don't pay you back. I apologize, give an excuse, and say I will pay you the next week. Say this continues for many weeks or months. This may escalate in a number of ways, but let's say I never pay you back, despite my promises and protestations to the contrary. Forgiveness in that sense would mean writing off the debt. You would be saying that you no longer have any belief that I am going to pay you and you are not going to put any more energy into trying to get that money back. The money is gone, and it's not coming back.
What are the implications of this? Well, the first part is that you have accepted that the money is not coming back. You feel you have done everything you can or are willing to do to get financial remuneration from me. You are done with filing legal charges, hiring private detectives, calling out a hit squad (just kidding, I hope), whatever. You are done with that interaction.
Second, you probably won't lend me money again. (I don't blame you.) This is where the "forgetting" concept is unwise. If you know I'm a bad credit risk, you're less likely to give me that chance again. If forgiving and forgetting were synonymous, a lot more people would have a lot less money. Not expecting me to pay you back does not mean that you have to lend me money again. You are welcome and encouraged to learn from the experience.
Finally, not expecting the money to come back does not mean that you don't still have problems related to what happened. Maybe you can't pay your light bill or your rent or buy your groceries because you gave that money to me. Maybe your own credit is affected. There can certainly still be repercussions. Forgiveness, then, does not necessarily mean that things don't hurt anymore, but it does mean you have stopped looking for things to be different or to gain back what you have lost. You are able to move past wanting things to be different and into healing.
The question for me is how we get to the point of forgiveness and how we know we are there. A client of mine was mentioning that the rational part of her had decided to forgive someone. When she said that, I was taken aback. I had never considered forgiveness to be a rational decision. As I discussed it with her, I found I wasn't sure where that decision came from. Is it rational? Spiritual? Emotional? I think I have always just thought we had a sense of knowing that we were at that point. I don't know exactly how we get there. It seems more than an intellectual decision. That seems too simplistic to me, yet I don't have a better answer.
What I do know is that we cannot forgive, not sincerely, if we are not ready. If we are not done with trying to get things to change, to get our remuneration or revenge, or believing that things "should"
be different, trying to force ourselves to forgive is an exercise in frustration and guilt. We cannot be done until we are done. We have to do the work before we can forgive. Needing to do the work is not a sign of weakness. We cannot be there until we get there. Remember, readiness is different than willingness or potential.
Have you been able to forgive someone? What was that decision like? How did you know you were ready? I'm curious to explore more on the subject. I believe that forgiveness happens, and I know some of the steps toward getting there, but I am curious about that moment when we know we are done. What do you believe? I would love to continue this conversation with you. If you have not been able to forgive yet, I hope you will give yourself some grace. If you need help with that, I hope you will find me. I would like to walk this road with you for awhile. Perhaps we can learn together.
Monday, February 8, 2016
The Case for Creativity
I have always loved driving through a city at night. I look at the buildings with their lights on,
and I wonder what the story is of the people in those buildings at that
time. Is it someone working on a
cleaning crew trying to get everything done quickly so he or she can get home to
their family? Is it some harried
executive trying to finish a project or proposal? Is somebody behind one of
those windows looking out at the city as I am and thinking long thoughts? I wonder what the people in those buildings
are thinking and noticing. I wonder what
they know that they don’t even think about.
What is their experience? Where do they come from? Where would they like
to be? So many possibilities….
What do you wonder about?
What makes you curious? What do you daydream about or imagine?
Many of the clients I see have lost touch with their
curiosity. Anxiety and depression, in
particular, can quash creativity. When
we are depressed, there is no energy to find alternatives, and when we are
anxious we can get too wrapped up in the problems to find creative
solutions. When I have been in darker places
in my life, it felt as though the situation would always be that way and that
things would never change. I can always
tell when I am coming back to myself because I start wondering about things and
asking more questions. I can start to see possibilities and play with ideas in
my head.
One of the ways that therapy can help is that a therapist
can provide perspectives and possibilities at times when we struggle to come up
with our own. I find, sometimes, that
just the act of exploring a possibility helps to relieve depression. Sometimes just
knowing that there might be an alternative is a huge help. It is so easy to get caught up in what is
going on in our minds that we believe it to be Truth rather than a perspective
or a temporary situation.
How can we regain a sense of curiosity and possibility? Sometimes it helps to engage in something you
used to do as a child (playing a game, coloring, singing songs, playing with
Play Doh) when you used to have more flexibility in your mind. Sometimes it helps to take a class, academic
or otherwise, to utilize a different part of the brain. Maybe you’ve always wanted to take acting
classes or learn Chinese or swing dancing….
Getting out and getting active can help as well. When our bodies are
moving, our brains start moving, too.
Spend time with other people, particularly kids, and look at how they
see the world. Sometimes even physically
changing your perspective can help. Get
up high or down low. Go outside. Try some yoga.
Scribble on a paper for awhile, bake some meringues, or try knitting or
crocheting. None of these may sound
appealing right now, but trying some of them may still help re-engage the part
of your brain that finds possibilities and curiosity.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
The Mighty Tidal Wave
Do you ever wonder if you make a difference? If your life has any meaning? I wonder that sometimes. When I was a child, I wanted to be someone people remembered. I believed there was this one great history book, and I wanted to be in it. We moved around a lot when I was a child, and I worried that people would forget me after we left.
Oddly enough, I moved into an occupation/avocation in which I rarely get to see the full impact of my relationship with people. Rather than being a tidal wave that everyone notices and remembers, I have become more of a pebble in a bucket. The change I help to facilitate is on a much smaller scale. While I bring myself fully into the therapy room, the focus is not on me or on what I want but on my clients. Rather than being the star, I am more of a behind the scenes sort of a person. How do I make peace with this change in plans?
One of my favorite musicians, David LaMotte, wrote a song entitled, "Drops Like Me." The song starts with a single drop of water and then goes on to describe what many drops together can do. What I love about the song is the end of the chorus where he says, "We will roll on together til everyone can see that the mighty tidal wave is made of little bitty drops like me." I am small but part of something mighty.
I am not alone but am surrounded by other "drops." When I come together with a client, we become stronger together and can make amazing change. The change often appears small and gradual, but then, the Grand Canyon used to be a lot shallower sometime ago. I have learned to look for and appreciate small changes. I celebrate each time clients take a step. Maybe they exercised. Maybe they asked for something they wanted. Maybe they brushed their teeth last night. All of these things can represent the start of great things.
My clients, honestly, have become my heroes. They live their lives, they keep persevering, and they have the courage to show up. I am honored to be with them. I am content not to be center stage because I have the joy of witnessing what they are able to do and watching their creativity and imagination come forth. The experience is awe-inspiring, and I am able to be a part.
I wonder what changes you are making in the world around you and in yourself. When was the last time you looked for something positive to affirm in yourself? Have you tried something different lately? Have you taken a moment to be gentle with yourself or to give yourself grace?
Recovery is not a tidal wave. It is a series of choices, one at a time, that ultimately engrave new rivers and canyons in the ground. The goal is not to become perfect all at once but to make the best decision you can at any given moment. Over time, it can be fascinating to see the lengths and patterns you have made that you might never have noticed. It all starts, however, with one drop. Do not underestimate yourself or the power that you have to make a difference. You, too, are part of the "mighty tidal wave." If you need some help charting your course or making sense of your journey, however, I hope you will find me. I would be happy to join with you in creating your mark on this earth.
Oddly enough, I moved into an occupation/avocation in which I rarely get to see the full impact of my relationship with people. Rather than being a tidal wave that everyone notices and remembers, I have become more of a pebble in a bucket. The change I help to facilitate is on a much smaller scale. While I bring myself fully into the therapy room, the focus is not on me or on what I want but on my clients. Rather than being the star, I am more of a behind the scenes sort of a person. How do I make peace with this change in plans?
One of my favorite musicians, David LaMotte, wrote a song entitled, "Drops Like Me." The song starts with a single drop of water and then goes on to describe what many drops together can do. What I love about the song is the end of the chorus where he says, "We will roll on together til everyone can see that the mighty tidal wave is made of little bitty drops like me." I am small but part of something mighty.
I am not alone but am surrounded by other "drops." When I come together with a client, we become stronger together and can make amazing change. The change often appears small and gradual, but then, the Grand Canyon used to be a lot shallower sometime ago. I have learned to look for and appreciate small changes. I celebrate each time clients take a step. Maybe they exercised. Maybe they asked for something they wanted. Maybe they brushed their teeth last night. All of these things can represent the start of great things.
My clients, honestly, have become my heroes. They live their lives, they keep persevering, and they have the courage to show up. I am honored to be with them. I am content not to be center stage because I have the joy of witnessing what they are able to do and watching their creativity and imagination come forth. The experience is awe-inspiring, and I am able to be a part.
I wonder what changes you are making in the world around you and in yourself. When was the last time you looked for something positive to affirm in yourself? Have you tried something different lately? Have you taken a moment to be gentle with yourself or to give yourself grace?
Recovery is not a tidal wave. It is a series of choices, one at a time, that ultimately engrave new rivers and canyons in the ground. The goal is not to become perfect all at once but to make the best decision you can at any given moment. Over time, it can be fascinating to see the lengths and patterns you have made that you might never have noticed. It all starts, however, with one drop. Do not underestimate yourself or the power that you have to make a difference. You, too, are part of the "mighty tidal wave." If you need some help charting your course or making sense of your journey, however, I hope you will find me. I would be happy to join with you in creating your mark on this earth.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Well, 2016 is here, and the airwaves are again filled with "New Year, New You!" commercials. It seems there is a lot of focus on change and a lot of advertising out there telling us how easy it is to become the person that other people will accept and/or look up to. If we just eat the right diet, lose the right amount of weight, and get enough exercise, we will have finally reached the goal. On a certain level, the idea of a New Year's resolution feels a little arbitrary to me, and a part of me finds myself a bit irritated with the focus on change as desirable to make oneself acceptable. Most of these commercials don't focus on what happens after you have lost x number of pounds or when you have been working out at the gym for a month. The change then has only started.
One change for me right now is that one of my offices is opening a satellite location. This is exciting for me, and I find myself enjoying being a part of that change. We did a presentation there this last weekend exploring the idea of change as a journey rather than a straightforward step. I think I like this better. As a counselor, I see people less as diagnoses and more as people who are in a certain point in their full lifespan. Wherever you are is where you are right now, and tomorrow you will be somewhere different. Change is a natural process rather than something manufactured.
Where does this leave me as a professional? If change is unavoidable, why is my position necessary? Well, I have been thinking about boat metaphors lately -- hence the title above. If life is like a river or some other body of water with a natural motion, then each of us is in a vessel on that river on our own journeys. Occasionally, however, we have problems. Maybe we lose an oar. Maybe we've lost our maps or senses of direction. Maybe we are seasick and don't have the energy to row. Maybe we are overwhelmed with the more turbulent passages behind and in front of us, or maybe we have a hole in the boat. I see my job as a counselor as an opportunity to pull my boat up next to yours, moor up for awhile, and help you build your skills, energy, and confidence to find your next destination.
I don't get in your boat for a number of reasons. First, my journey and yours are different. If I am in your boat, I am not in mine. Second, if you have a hole in your boat and I get in, it will sink that much faster. If I bring you in my boat, then you are not in your own journey and you do not realize that you have your own capacity to guide your ship. You may have had friends or family that have tried to help but either took over your ship or were too worried about whether or not they did something to harm your ship to be able to hear you. As a person in my own boat, I cannot take over your vessel, and I do not have the emotional investment to feel overly responsible for what has happened in your life before.
If, however, we tie our boats together for a time, mine can help provide yours some stability until you can make the changes you need or want to make. Maybe I can help you find or create an extra oar. Maybe we study the map together to determine where you want to go and the best way to get there. Maybe I help you take the time to rest to help you get your energy and enthusiasm back. Maybe we work together to patch up your boat and to improve your boating skills such that your boat is less likely to be damaged in the same way again.
When you have accomplished the change that you need for that time, we will separate our boats and move on. Maybe we meet again, maybe we don't, and maybe each of us moves on to moor up with other boats. Throughout this time, the river continues to flow and each of us has to make adjustments. Each of us must be aware and focused to handle the water safely.
I have been fortunate to have some good people to moor with me when I have needed it, and I am honored to be able to do the same for others. I have not always enjoyed the rapids, but I am grateful to have survived the experience. If your arms are tired, your compass is broken, or your rudder seems to have lost its effectiveness, I hope you will keep an eye out for my boat. I would be happy to join with you on your journey.
One change for me right now is that one of my offices is opening a satellite location. This is exciting for me, and I find myself enjoying being a part of that change. We did a presentation there this last weekend exploring the idea of change as a journey rather than a straightforward step. I think I like this better. As a counselor, I see people less as diagnoses and more as people who are in a certain point in their full lifespan. Wherever you are is where you are right now, and tomorrow you will be somewhere different. Change is a natural process rather than something manufactured.
Where does this leave me as a professional? If change is unavoidable, why is my position necessary? Well, I have been thinking about boat metaphors lately -- hence the title above. If life is like a river or some other body of water with a natural motion, then each of us is in a vessel on that river on our own journeys. Occasionally, however, we have problems. Maybe we lose an oar. Maybe we've lost our maps or senses of direction. Maybe we are seasick and don't have the energy to row. Maybe we are overwhelmed with the more turbulent passages behind and in front of us, or maybe we have a hole in the boat. I see my job as a counselor as an opportunity to pull my boat up next to yours, moor up for awhile, and help you build your skills, energy, and confidence to find your next destination.
I don't get in your boat for a number of reasons. First, my journey and yours are different. If I am in your boat, I am not in mine. Second, if you have a hole in your boat and I get in, it will sink that much faster. If I bring you in my boat, then you are not in your own journey and you do not realize that you have your own capacity to guide your ship. You may have had friends or family that have tried to help but either took over your ship or were too worried about whether or not they did something to harm your ship to be able to hear you. As a person in my own boat, I cannot take over your vessel, and I do not have the emotional investment to feel overly responsible for what has happened in your life before.
If, however, we tie our boats together for a time, mine can help provide yours some stability until you can make the changes you need or want to make. Maybe I can help you find or create an extra oar. Maybe we study the map together to determine where you want to go and the best way to get there. Maybe I help you take the time to rest to help you get your energy and enthusiasm back. Maybe we work together to patch up your boat and to improve your boating skills such that your boat is less likely to be damaged in the same way again.
When you have accomplished the change that you need for that time, we will separate our boats and move on. Maybe we meet again, maybe we don't, and maybe each of us moves on to moor up with other boats. Throughout this time, the river continues to flow and each of us has to make adjustments. Each of us must be aware and focused to handle the water safely.
I have been fortunate to have some good people to moor with me when I have needed it, and I am honored to be able to do the same for others. I have not always enjoyed the rapids, but I am grateful to have survived the experience. If your arms are tired, your compass is broken, or your rudder seems to have lost its effectiveness, I hope you will keep an eye out for my boat. I would be happy to join with you on your journey.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
100% Success Rate
Today is two days before Christmas. I'm not sure how that happened. One minute it's summer, and the next Christmas carols are wafting up the stairs at work. Frankly, the weather hasn't been very cooperative in this venture. It's in the sixties outside and raining... not what you'd ordinarily expect from Georgia in December. If I could send some of this water to any of you in California, I would.
Amidst all the scrambling to find the right things for the right people and squeezing clients in before the office building closes for the holiday, I find myself thoughtful about the year and how it's gone. Have I made the right decisions in my work? Am I being a good mother to my children? Have I been a good steward of my resources? Have I helped my clients find what they need?
Now, I have a unique knack for picking things apart as they apply to me, and I am not sure all of my answers to those questions are positive or accurate ones. Probably, I am a little hyper-critical. I stumbled across something the other day, however, that made me smile. I have no idea who said it first, so, if it was you, I apologize for the lack of attribution. Anyway, the quote said, "Remember, you have a 100% success rate in surviving everything that has happened to you so far." What a thought!
This, I suppose, gives me some perspective. Whatever my faults and failings as a person, a therapist, or a parent, I have come through everything life has thrown at me. I can certainly think back on some situations that I thought I would never get done with or escape, but somehow I am here today and have the luxury of complaining about the rain. I'm not always sure how I got through, but I have.
When I consider the trauma survivors with whom I have had the honor to work, I find that this quotation has far more meaning. Clients of mine have been through fires, hurricanes, domestic violence, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and assault, physical abuse, violent crimes, and other overwhelming experiences. Many of them present to me with shame about skills they have used to cope: drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. To them I say that, whatever they have had to do in the past, the primary focus is that they survived. Many people in traumatic situations do not have support systems to help them develop safe and life-affirming coping skills. Whether you had to hide, fight back, numb out, or run away, you did what you had to do to get through. You also have that 100% success rate.
So, as the year winds up and many of us are focusing on giving to others, give yourself the gift of affirmation that you have had the strength to survive everything life has sent your way. Odds are good that you will continue to do so. If you need to talk about what you've been through, however, I hope you'll come find me. I'm happy to listen.
Amidst all the scrambling to find the right things for the right people and squeezing clients in before the office building closes for the holiday, I find myself thoughtful about the year and how it's gone. Have I made the right decisions in my work? Am I being a good mother to my children? Have I been a good steward of my resources? Have I helped my clients find what they need?
Now, I have a unique knack for picking things apart as they apply to me, and I am not sure all of my answers to those questions are positive or accurate ones. Probably, I am a little hyper-critical. I stumbled across something the other day, however, that made me smile. I have no idea who said it first, so, if it was you, I apologize for the lack of attribution. Anyway, the quote said, "Remember, you have a 100% success rate in surviving everything that has happened to you so far." What a thought!
This, I suppose, gives me some perspective. Whatever my faults and failings as a person, a therapist, or a parent, I have come through everything life has thrown at me. I can certainly think back on some situations that I thought I would never get done with or escape, but somehow I am here today and have the luxury of complaining about the rain. I'm not always sure how I got through, but I have.
When I consider the trauma survivors with whom I have had the honor to work, I find that this quotation has far more meaning. Clients of mine have been through fires, hurricanes, domestic violence, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and assault, physical abuse, violent crimes, and other overwhelming experiences. Many of them present to me with shame about skills they have used to cope: drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. To them I say that, whatever they have had to do in the past, the primary focus is that they survived. Many people in traumatic situations do not have support systems to help them develop safe and life-affirming coping skills. Whether you had to hide, fight back, numb out, or run away, you did what you had to do to get through. You also have that 100% success rate.
So, as the year winds up and many of us are focusing on giving to others, give yourself the gift of affirmation that you have had the strength to survive everything life has sent your way. Odds are good that you will continue to do so. If you need to talk about what you've been through, however, I hope you'll come find me. I'm happy to listen.
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