Ordinarily, when I am writing this blog, I tend to write about something about which I have been pondering and on which I have found some level of resolution. This, I think, will not be like that. It is a question I am still exploring, but maybe I will find some clarity discussing it. I hope you will bear with me on this.
"Forgiveness" is a topic that comes up frequently in therapy, particularly with clients who have been through some level of trauma. They seem to have a lot of pressure to forgive without having a clear understanding of what that means or what it would look like. Furthermore, many people have grown up with the notion of "forgive and forget," and the latter is nearly impossible for trauma survivors. Frankly, I think forgiveness is a good thing but forgetting is unwise.
So, I guess if we are going to discuss the idea of forgiveness, we need a workable definition. This can be a bit squirrely for some people, particularly those with certain faith backgrounds. As a therapist, I try not to pull from a religious definition, not because I don't have faith, but because I feel it is not my place to tell others what to believe. I am happy to discuss your faith with you and how that affects your concept of forgiveness, but I am not likely to start from that space in that conversation.
My understanding is that the concept of forgiveness, in itself, arose from monetary transactions. The example I give to my clients is this:
Suppose I asked you for $200. (I wouldn't, by the way. I do have some ethics. But go with me on this.) So, I ask you for the money, and you give it to me. I promise I will give it back when I see you next week. Next week comes, and I don't pay you back. I apologize, give an excuse, and say I will pay you the next week. Say this continues for many weeks or months. This may escalate in a number of ways, but let's say I never pay you back, despite my promises and protestations to the contrary. Forgiveness in that sense would mean writing off the debt. You would be saying that you no longer have any belief that I am going to pay you and you are not going to put any more energy into trying to get that money back. The money is gone, and it's not coming back.
What are the implications of this? Well, the first part is that you have accepted that the money is not coming back. You feel you have done everything you can or are willing to do to get financial remuneration from me. You are done with filing legal charges, hiring private detectives, calling out a hit squad (just kidding, I hope), whatever. You are done with that interaction.
Second, you probably won't lend me money again. (I don't blame you.) This is where the "forgetting" concept is unwise. If you know I'm a bad credit risk, you're less likely to give me that chance again. If forgiving and forgetting were synonymous, a lot more people would have a lot less money. Not expecting me to pay you back does not mean that you have to lend me money again. You are welcome and encouraged to learn from the experience.
Finally, not expecting the money to come back does not mean that you don't still have problems related to what happened. Maybe you can't pay your light bill or your rent or buy your groceries because you gave that money to me. Maybe your own credit is affected. There can certainly still be repercussions. Forgiveness, then, does not necessarily mean that things don't hurt anymore, but it does mean you have stopped looking for things to be different or to gain back what you have lost. You are able to move past wanting things to be different and into healing.
The question for me is how we get to the point of forgiveness and how we know we are there. A client of mine was mentioning that the rational part of her had decided to forgive someone. When she said that, I was taken aback. I had never considered forgiveness to be a rational decision. As I discussed it with her, I found I wasn't sure where that decision came from. Is it rational? Spiritual? Emotional? I think I have always just thought we had a sense of knowing that we were at that point. I don't know exactly how we get there. It seems more than an intellectual decision. That seems too simplistic to me, yet I don't have a better answer.
What I do know is that we cannot forgive, not sincerely, if we are not ready. If we are not done with trying to get things to change, to get our remuneration or revenge, or believing that things "should"
be different, trying to force ourselves to forgive is an exercise in frustration and guilt. We cannot be done until we are done. We have to do the work before we can forgive. Needing to do the work is not a sign of weakness. We cannot be there until we get there. Remember, readiness is different than willingness or potential.
Have you been able to forgive someone? What was that decision like? How did you know you were ready? I'm curious to explore more on the subject. I believe that forgiveness happens, and I know some of the steps toward getting there, but I am curious about that moment when we know we are done. What do you believe? I would love to continue this conversation with you. If you have not been able to forgive yet, I hope you will give yourself some grace. If you need help with that, I hope you will find me. I would like to walk this road with you for awhile. Perhaps we can learn together.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Monday, February 8, 2016
The Case for Creativity
I have always loved driving through a city at night. I look at the buildings with their lights on,
and I wonder what the story is of the people in those buildings at that
time. Is it someone working on a
cleaning crew trying to get everything done quickly so he or she can get home to
their family? Is it some harried
executive trying to finish a project or proposal? Is somebody behind one of
those windows looking out at the city as I am and thinking long thoughts? I wonder what the people in those buildings
are thinking and noticing. I wonder what
they know that they don’t even think about.
What is their experience? Where do they come from? Where would they like
to be? So many possibilities….
What do you wonder about?
What makes you curious? What do you daydream about or imagine?
Many of the clients I see have lost touch with their
curiosity. Anxiety and depression, in
particular, can quash creativity. When
we are depressed, there is no energy to find alternatives, and when we are
anxious we can get too wrapped up in the problems to find creative
solutions. When I have been in darker places
in my life, it felt as though the situation would always be that way and that
things would never change. I can always
tell when I am coming back to myself because I start wondering about things and
asking more questions. I can start to see possibilities and play with ideas in
my head.
One of the ways that therapy can help is that a therapist
can provide perspectives and possibilities at times when we struggle to come up
with our own. I find, sometimes, that
just the act of exploring a possibility helps to relieve depression. Sometimes just
knowing that there might be an alternative is a huge help. It is so easy to get caught up in what is
going on in our minds that we believe it to be Truth rather than a perspective
or a temporary situation.
How can we regain a sense of curiosity and possibility? Sometimes it helps to engage in something you
used to do as a child (playing a game, coloring, singing songs, playing with
Play Doh) when you used to have more flexibility in your mind. Sometimes it helps to take a class, academic
or otherwise, to utilize a different part of the brain. Maybe you’ve always wanted to take acting
classes or learn Chinese or swing dancing….
Getting out and getting active can help as well. When our bodies are
moving, our brains start moving, too.
Spend time with other people, particularly kids, and look at how they
see the world. Sometimes even physically
changing your perspective can help. Get
up high or down low. Go outside. Try some yoga.
Scribble on a paper for awhile, bake some meringues, or try knitting or
crocheting. None of these may sound
appealing right now, but trying some of them may still help re-engage the part
of your brain that finds possibilities and curiosity.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
The Mighty Tidal Wave
Do you ever wonder if you make a difference? If your life has any meaning? I wonder that sometimes. When I was a child, I wanted to be someone people remembered. I believed there was this one great history book, and I wanted to be in it. We moved around a lot when I was a child, and I worried that people would forget me after we left.
Oddly enough, I moved into an occupation/avocation in which I rarely get to see the full impact of my relationship with people. Rather than being a tidal wave that everyone notices and remembers, I have become more of a pebble in a bucket. The change I help to facilitate is on a much smaller scale. While I bring myself fully into the therapy room, the focus is not on me or on what I want but on my clients. Rather than being the star, I am more of a behind the scenes sort of a person. How do I make peace with this change in plans?
One of my favorite musicians, David LaMotte, wrote a song entitled, "Drops Like Me." The song starts with a single drop of water and then goes on to describe what many drops together can do. What I love about the song is the end of the chorus where he says, "We will roll on together til everyone can see that the mighty tidal wave is made of little bitty drops like me." I am small but part of something mighty.
I am not alone but am surrounded by other "drops." When I come together with a client, we become stronger together and can make amazing change. The change often appears small and gradual, but then, the Grand Canyon used to be a lot shallower sometime ago. I have learned to look for and appreciate small changes. I celebrate each time clients take a step. Maybe they exercised. Maybe they asked for something they wanted. Maybe they brushed their teeth last night. All of these things can represent the start of great things.
My clients, honestly, have become my heroes. They live their lives, they keep persevering, and they have the courage to show up. I am honored to be with them. I am content not to be center stage because I have the joy of witnessing what they are able to do and watching their creativity and imagination come forth. The experience is awe-inspiring, and I am able to be a part.
I wonder what changes you are making in the world around you and in yourself. When was the last time you looked for something positive to affirm in yourself? Have you tried something different lately? Have you taken a moment to be gentle with yourself or to give yourself grace?
Recovery is not a tidal wave. It is a series of choices, one at a time, that ultimately engrave new rivers and canyons in the ground. The goal is not to become perfect all at once but to make the best decision you can at any given moment. Over time, it can be fascinating to see the lengths and patterns you have made that you might never have noticed. It all starts, however, with one drop. Do not underestimate yourself or the power that you have to make a difference. You, too, are part of the "mighty tidal wave." If you need some help charting your course or making sense of your journey, however, I hope you will find me. I would be happy to join with you in creating your mark on this earth.
Oddly enough, I moved into an occupation/avocation in which I rarely get to see the full impact of my relationship with people. Rather than being a tidal wave that everyone notices and remembers, I have become more of a pebble in a bucket. The change I help to facilitate is on a much smaller scale. While I bring myself fully into the therapy room, the focus is not on me or on what I want but on my clients. Rather than being the star, I am more of a behind the scenes sort of a person. How do I make peace with this change in plans?
One of my favorite musicians, David LaMotte, wrote a song entitled, "Drops Like Me." The song starts with a single drop of water and then goes on to describe what many drops together can do. What I love about the song is the end of the chorus where he says, "We will roll on together til everyone can see that the mighty tidal wave is made of little bitty drops like me." I am small but part of something mighty.
I am not alone but am surrounded by other "drops." When I come together with a client, we become stronger together and can make amazing change. The change often appears small and gradual, but then, the Grand Canyon used to be a lot shallower sometime ago. I have learned to look for and appreciate small changes. I celebrate each time clients take a step. Maybe they exercised. Maybe they asked for something they wanted. Maybe they brushed their teeth last night. All of these things can represent the start of great things.
My clients, honestly, have become my heroes. They live their lives, they keep persevering, and they have the courage to show up. I am honored to be with them. I am content not to be center stage because I have the joy of witnessing what they are able to do and watching their creativity and imagination come forth. The experience is awe-inspiring, and I am able to be a part.
I wonder what changes you are making in the world around you and in yourself. When was the last time you looked for something positive to affirm in yourself? Have you tried something different lately? Have you taken a moment to be gentle with yourself or to give yourself grace?
Recovery is not a tidal wave. It is a series of choices, one at a time, that ultimately engrave new rivers and canyons in the ground. The goal is not to become perfect all at once but to make the best decision you can at any given moment. Over time, it can be fascinating to see the lengths and patterns you have made that you might never have noticed. It all starts, however, with one drop. Do not underestimate yourself or the power that you have to make a difference. You, too, are part of the "mighty tidal wave." If you need some help charting your course or making sense of your journey, however, I hope you will find me. I would be happy to join with you in creating your mark on this earth.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Well, 2016 is here, and the airwaves are again filled with "New Year, New You!" commercials. It seems there is a lot of focus on change and a lot of advertising out there telling us how easy it is to become the person that other people will accept and/or look up to. If we just eat the right diet, lose the right amount of weight, and get enough exercise, we will have finally reached the goal. On a certain level, the idea of a New Year's resolution feels a little arbitrary to me, and a part of me finds myself a bit irritated with the focus on change as desirable to make oneself acceptable. Most of these commercials don't focus on what happens after you have lost x number of pounds or when you have been working out at the gym for a month. The change then has only started.
One change for me right now is that one of my offices is opening a satellite location. This is exciting for me, and I find myself enjoying being a part of that change. We did a presentation there this last weekend exploring the idea of change as a journey rather than a straightforward step. I think I like this better. As a counselor, I see people less as diagnoses and more as people who are in a certain point in their full lifespan. Wherever you are is where you are right now, and tomorrow you will be somewhere different. Change is a natural process rather than something manufactured.
Where does this leave me as a professional? If change is unavoidable, why is my position necessary? Well, I have been thinking about boat metaphors lately -- hence the title above. If life is like a river or some other body of water with a natural motion, then each of us is in a vessel on that river on our own journeys. Occasionally, however, we have problems. Maybe we lose an oar. Maybe we've lost our maps or senses of direction. Maybe we are seasick and don't have the energy to row. Maybe we are overwhelmed with the more turbulent passages behind and in front of us, or maybe we have a hole in the boat. I see my job as a counselor as an opportunity to pull my boat up next to yours, moor up for awhile, and help you build your skills, energy, and confidence to find your next destination.
I don't get in your boat for a number of reasons. First, my journey and yours are different. If I am in your boat, I am not in mine. Second, if you have a hole in your boat and I get in, it will sink that much faster. If I bring you in my boat, then you are not in your own journey and you do not realize that you have your own capacity to guide your ship. You may have had friends or family that have tried to help but either took over your ship or were too worried about whether or not they did something to harm your ship to be able to hear you. As a person in my own boat, I cannot take over your vessel, and I do not have the emotional investment to feel overly responsible for what has happened in your life before.
If, however, we tie our boats together for a time, mine can help provide yours some stability until you can make the changes you need or want to make. Maybe I can help you find or create an extra oar. Maybe we study the map together to determine where you want to go and the best way to get there. Maybe I help you take the time to rest to help you get your energy and enthusiasm back. Maybe we work together to patch up your boat and to improve your boating skills such that your boat is less likely to be damaged in the same way again.
When you have accomplished the change that you need for that time, we will separate our boats and move on. Maybe we meet again, maybe we don't, and maybe each of us moves on to moor up with other boats. Throughout this time, the river continues to flow and each of us has to make adjustments. Each of us must be aware and focused to handle the water safely.
I have been fortunate to have some good people to moor with me when I have needed it, and I am honored to be able to do the same for others. I have not always enjoyed the rapids, but I am grateful to have survived the experience. If your arms are tired, your compass is broken, or your rudder seems to have lost its effectiveness, I hope you will keep an eye out for my boat. I would be happy to join with you on your journey.
One change for me right now is that one of my offices is opening a satellite location. This is exciting for me, and I find myself enjoying being a part of that change. We did a presentation there this last weekend exploring the idea of change as a journey rather than a straightforward step. I think I like this better. As a counselor, I see people less as diagnoses and more as people who are in a certain point in their full lifespan. Wherever you are is where you are right now, and tomorrow you will be somewhere different. Change is a natural process rather than something manufactured.
Where does this leave me as a professional? If change is unavoidable, why is my position necessary? Well, I have been thinking about boat metaphors lately -- hence the title above. If life is like a river or some other body of water with a natural motion, then each of us is in a vessel on that river on our own journeys. Occasionally, however, we have problems. Maybe we lose an oar. Maybe we've lost our maps or senses of direction. Maybe we are seasick and don't have the energy to row. Maybe we are overwhelmed with the more turbulent passages behind and in front of us, or maybe we have a hole in the boat. I see my job as a counselor as an opportunity to pull my boat up next to yours, moor up for awhile, and help you build your skills, energy, and confidence to find your next destination.
I don't get in your boat for a number of reasons. First, my journey and yours are different. If I am in your boat, I am not in mine. Second, if you have a hole in your boat and I get in, it will sink that much faster. If I bring you in my boat, then you are not in your own journey and you do not realize that you have your own capacity to guide your ship. You may have had friends or family that have tried to help but either took over your ship or were too worried about whether or not they did something to harm your ship to be able to hear you. As a person in my own boat, I cannot take over your vessel, and I do not have the emotional investment to feel overly responsible for what has happened in your life before.
If, however, we tie our boats together for a time, mine can help provide yours some stability until you can make the changes you need or want to make. Maybe I can help you find or create an extra oar. Maybe we study the map together to determine where you want to go and the best way to get there. Maybe I help you take the time to rest to help you get your energy and enthusiasm back. Maybe we work together to patch up your boat and to improve your boating skills such that your boat is less likely to be damaged in the same way again.
When you have accomplished the change that you need for that time, we will separate our boats and move on. Maybe we meet again, maybe we don't, and maybe each of us moves on to moor up with other boats. Throughout this time, the river continues to flow and each of us has to make adjustments. Each of us must be aware and focused to handle the water safely.
I have been fortunate to have some good people to moor with me when I have needed it, and I am honored to be able to do the same for others. I have not always enjoyed the rapids, but I am grateful to have survived the experience. If your arms are tired, your compass is broken, or your rudder seems to have lost its effectiveness, I hope you will keep an eye out for my boat. I would be happy to join with you on your journey.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
100% Success Rate
Today is two days before Christmas. I'm not sure how that happened. One minute it's summer, and the next Christmas carols are wafting up the stairs at work. Frankly, the weather hasn't been very cooperative in this venture. It's in the sixties outside and raining... not what you'd ordinarily expect from Georgia in December. If I could send some of this water to any of you in California, I would.
Amidst all the scrambling to find the right things for the right people and squeezing clients in before the office building closes for the holiday, I find myself thoughtful about the year and how it's gone. Have I made the right decisions in my work? Am I being a good mother to my children? Have I been a good steward of my resources? Have I helped my clients find what they need?
Now, I have a unique knack for picking things apart as they apply to me, and I am not sure all of my answers to those questions are positive or accurate ones. Probably, I am a little hyper-critical. I stumbled across something the other day, however, that made me smile. I have no idea who said it first, so, if it was you, I apologize for the lack of attribution. Anyway, the quote said, "Remember, you have a 100% success rate in surviving everything that has happened to you so far." What a thought!
This, I suppose, gives me some perspective. Whatever my faults and failings as a person, a therapist, or a parent, I have come through everything life has thrown at me. I can certainly think back on some situations that I thought I would never get done with or escape, but somehow I am here today and have the luxury of complaining about the rain. I'm not always sure how I got through, but I have.
When I consider the trauma survivors with whom I have had the honor to work, I find that this quotation has far more meaning. Clients of mine have been through fires, hurricanes, domestic violence, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and assault, physical abuse, violent crimes, and other overwhelming experiences. Many of them present to me with shame about skills they have used to cope: drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. To them I say that, whatever they have had to do in the past, the primary focus is that they survived. Many people in traumatic situations do not have support systems to help them develop safe and life-affirming coping skills. Whether you had to hide, fight back, numb out, or run away, you did what you had to do to get through. You also have that 100% success rate.
So, as the year winds up and many of us are focusing on giving to others, give yourself the gift of affirmation that you have had the strength to survive everything life has sent your way. Odds are good that you will continue to do so. If you need to talk about what you've been through, however, I hope you'll come find me. I'm happy to listen.
Amidst all the scrambling to find the right things for the right people and squeezing clients in before the office building closes for the holiday, I find myself thoughtful about the year and how it's gone. Have I made the right decisions in my work? Am I being a good mother to my children? Have I been a good steward of my resources? Have I helped my clients find what they need?
Now, I have a unique knack for picking things apart as they apply to me, and I am not sure all of my answers to those questions are positive or accurate ones. Probably, I am a little hyper-critical. I stumbled across something the other day, however, that made me smile. I have no idea who said it first, so, if it was you, I apologize for the lack of attribution. Anyway, the quote said, "Remember, you have a 100% success rate in surviving everything that has happened to you so far." What a thought!
This, I suppose, gives me some perspective. Whatever my faults and failings as a person, a therapist, or a parent, I have come through everything life has thrown at me. I can certainly think back on some situations that I thought I would never get done with or escape, but somehow I am here today and have the luxury of complaining about the rain. I'm not always sure how I got through, but I have.
When I consider the trauma survivors with whom I have had the honor to work, I find that this quotation has far more meaning. Clients of mine have been through fires, hurricanes, domestic violence, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and assault, physical abuse, violent crimes, and other overwhelming experiences. Many of them present to me with shame about skills they have used to cope: drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. To them I say that, whatever they have had to do in the past, the primary focus is that they survived. Many people in traumatic situations do not have support systems to help them develop safe and life-affirming coping skills. Whether you had to hide, fight back, numb out, or run away, you did what you had to do to get through. You also have that 100% success rate.
So, as the year winds up and many of us are focusing on giving to others, give yourself the gift of affirmation that you have had the strength to survive everything life has sent your way. Odds are good that you will continue to do so. If you need to talk about what you've been through, however, I hope you'll come find me. I'm happy to listen.
Friday, November 27, 2015
McDonald's and Relationships
Awhile back, I was talking with a client of mine, and she was discussing her previous treatment. She stated that her previous treatment had not been very helpful. As we probed into this further, she divulged that she had not told her previous therapists that she had a trauma history. Because the therapists did not have that information, they could not address the real issue.
Now, I firmly believe that clients tell us what they want us to know when they are ready. I am not writing this to be critical of the client for not telling her previous therapists. The reason I bring it up is that it occurred to me that we, as therapists, often assume that we understand what is going on and don't always think to ask directly about other options. Training is becoming more "trauma-informed" these days, and clinicians are instructed to ask everyone directly whether trauma has been part of their history. If that training had been more present before, I wonder if my client would have had more helpful treatment?
People, in general, tend to make similar assumptions. We say something to a friend, family member, or significant other, and we assume that they understand what we mean. One person's idea of doing the dishes might be putting them in the dishwasher, where another person might include wiping down the stove, the counters, and the table as well. Frequently, we get frustrated when we have asked somebody to do something and they do not do what we expect. Similarly, we will often say something to someone else anticipating a particular response and then find ourselves angry or hurt when we do not get that reaction.
As I have thought about this in my own life and experience, I have come up with a technique I call "The McDonald's Method of Communication." Picture yourself coming up to the drive-thru at McDonald's. ("I don't go to McDonald's!" I hear you say, "The food there is terrible for you!" Just go with me on this one, okay?) When you get to the speaker, what do you do? Do you say, "Hmm, I don't know. Whatever you feel like giving me is fine?" Do you say, "Don't you know? If you don't know already, I'm not going to tell you"? Generally, I would think not. You say, politely,"I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke" (or whatever you prefer).
Think about what this form of communication does. It is brief, specific, and respectful. You communicate exactly what you would like, in an appropriate manner, and there is no question about what you need. Furthermore, if the person working the window is on their toes, they will either repeat the order to you or ask you to check the screen to verify that the order is correct. This, again, helps to make sure that the communication is effective. Finally, if you find a mistake in your order at any point, you have an option to correct the problem.
I wonder how much less frustration we would have in our lives if we spoke to each other the way that we speak to the people at the drive-thru? "Would you please wash the dishes and make sure that you wipe down the surfaces as well?" "Can you give me a hug? I've had a rough day." "When you did not say 'thank you' to me the other day, I felt taken for granted. Can we talk about it?" All of these express needs and feelings appropriately and invite others to respond specifically to your request. It may not feel as romantic or special to be so specific, but it greatly increases your chances of getting what you want. Others cannot read your mind, and you may not realize that you are asking or expecting them to do so.
A therapist I admire once told me that the secret to doing therapy was to "be present and assume nothing." This advice, I believe, carries over well into the everyday. I need to remember not to assume that others know what I want or what I am asking for. I need to remember to ask all of my clients about whether or not they have experienced trauma, had suicidal thoughts, or misused substances. I cannot assume that they will volunteer the information, and I might be missing out on important elements of their lives.
How would your life be different if you were more direct and specific? What might you be missing by not digging deeper? This all sounds very easy, and it is -- in theory. Self-esteem issues, traumatic history, lack of trust, depression, and other factors may make this much more difficult. If this seems overwhelming, I hope you will find me. I look forward to being present with you and assuming nothing.
Now, I firmly believe that clients tell us what they want us to know when they are ready. I am not writing this to be critical of the client for not telling her previous therapists. The reason I bring it up is that it occurred to me that we, as therapists, often assume that we understand what is going on and don't always think to ask directly about other options. Training is becoming more "trauma-informed" these days, and clinicians are instructed to ask everyone directly whether trauma has been part of their history. If that training had been more present before, I wonder if my client would have had more helpful treatment?
People, in general, tend to make similar assumptions. We say something to a friend, family member, or significant other, and we assume that they understand what we mean. One person's idea of doing the dishes might be putting them in the dishwasher, where another person might include wiping down the stove, the counters, and the table as well. Frequently, we get frustrated when we have asked somebody to do something and they do not do what we expect. Similarly, we will often say something to someone else anticipating a particular response and then find ourselves angry or hurt when we do not get that reaction.
As I have thought about this in my own life and experience, I have come up with a technique I call "The McDonald's Method of Communication." Picture yourself coming up to the drive-thru at McDonald's. ("I don't go to McDonald's!" I hear you say, "The food there is terrible for you!" Just go with me on this one, okay?) When you get to the speaker, what do you do? Do you say, "Hmm, I don't know. Whatever you feel like giving me is fine?" Do you say, "Don't you know? If you don't know already, I'm not going to tell you"? Generally, I would think not. You say, politely,"I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke" (or whatever you prefer).
Think about what this form of communication does. It is brief, specific, and respectful. You communicate exactly what you would like, in an appropriate manner, and there is no question about what you need. Furthermore, if the person working the window is on their toes, they will either repeat the order to you or ask you to check the screen to verify that the order is correct. This, again, helps to make sure that the communication is effective. Finally, if you find a mistake in your order at any point, you have an option to correct the problem.
I wonder how much less frustration we would have in our lives if we spoke to each other the way that we speak to the people at the drive-thru? "Would you please wash the dishes and make sure that you wipe down the surfaces as well?" "Can you give me a hug? I've had a rough day." "When you did not say 'thank you' to me the other day, I felt taken for granted. Can we talk about it?" All of these express needs and feelings appropriately and invite others to respond specifically to your request. It may not feel as romantic or special to be so specific, but it greatly increases your chances of getting what you want. Others cannot read your mind, and you may not realize that you are asking or expecting them to do so.
A therapist I admire once told me that the secret to doing therapy was to "be present and assume nothing." This advice, I believe, carries over well into the everyday. I need to remember not to assume that others know what I want or what I am asking for. I need to remember to ask all of my clients about whether or not they have experienced trauma, had suicidal thoughts, or misused substances. I cannot assume that they will volunteer the information, and I might be missing out on important elements of their lives.
How would your life be different if you were more direct and specific? What might you be missing by not digging deeper? This all sounds very easy, and it is -- in theory. Self-esteem issues, traumatic history, lack of trust, depression, and other factors may make this much more difficult. If this seems overwhelming, I hope you will find me. I look forward to being present with you and assuming nothing.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Gratitude and Positivity
It's funny to me as I sit here writing this, because it's coming up on Thanksgiving and I am writing a post about gratitude. In my head, I never want to be trite, and this seems to lend itself toward that, but I promise this is not a Thanksgiving post. Over the last few days, I've found myself feeling grateful for the job that I have and for the wonderful people I have encountered doing it. I started off the year in a dark place and felt stuck. I was sure nothing was ever going to change or get better. I could not have imagined feeling the way I do now. I am so thankful for having had the opportunities I have that have allowed me to reconnect with my love for counseling and for the people I have the honor to serve.
Does my life still have struggles? Sure. Those are always present in life, I think. Certainly, it's better when they don't all pile on at once. It seems, though, that when we can find an anchor, struggles are easier to bear. This experience has served to remind me that nothing stays the same and that time, indeed, does give some grace.
So often, particularly when people are depressed or have a history of severe pain and hurt, things feel fixed -- not repaired, but stuck. Studies show that, when we are depressed or overwhelmed, our creativity decreases. I take this to mean that we literally cannot imagine the possibility of change. Sometimes, I guess, we need others to hold on to that hope and belief for us. I have been fortunate in having supports who have helped me in that way before and continue to do so as I need it.
One of the aspects of my work that I feel is sacred is holding onto hope when my clients cannot hold it for themselves. Hope is more than a wish. We can wish for anything: a million dollars, a unicorn, Prince Charming, etc. Hope involves actual belief that something can happen. It may be difficult, it may be a long time coming, but it is possible. Many times, clients come to me feeling hopeless. They are in pain, feeling overwhelmed, and afraid that the pain that they have will never stop. I try to be an anchor for them to create a safe place for them to rest and grow until they can hold hope for themselves.
Sometimes hope can build from new perspectives. Focusing on steps taken rather than those left to take can foster a sense of progress and capacity. Identifying positive choices and aspects of self can help build self-confidence and self-trust. Meditating on those things for which we are grateful can help us focus more on the positive aspects of life and not just those that do not work. I think we need to be honest with ourselves, but that involves not just acknowledging our weaknesses, failures, and losses, but also our strengths, courage, and potential. For a balanced picture, we need to look at both.
I wonder what you have done well today. I wonder what little gifts there may be in yourself or your life that you are not seeing. Take a moment and look around you and inside you. Is there something to be thankful for? Give yourself permission to be grateful or glad or proud of yourself. All of those help to create hope. If you are having trouble with that, I hope you will find me and allow me to hold it for you until you are able to do so yourself. Thank you for taking this time with me.
Does my life still have struggles? Sure. Those are always present in life, I think. Certainly, it's better when they don't all pile on at once. It seems, though, that when we can find an anchor, struggles are easier to bear. This experience has served to remind me that nothing stays the same and that time, indeed, does give some grace.
So often, particularly when people are depressed or have a history of severe pain and hurt, things feel fixed -- not repaired, but stuck. Studies show that, when we are depressed or overwhelmed, our creativity decreases. I take this to mean that we literally cannot imagine the possibility of change. Sometimes, I guess, we need others to hold on to that hope and belief for us. I have been fortunate in having supports who have helped me in that way before and continue to do so as I need it.
One of the aspects of my work that I feel is sacred is holding onto hope when my clients cannot hold it for themselves. Hope is more than a wish. We can wish for anything: a million dollars, a unicorn, Prince Charming, etc. Hope involves actual belief that something can happen. It may be difficult, it may be a long time coming, but it is possible. Many times, clients come to me feeling hopeless. They are in pain, feeling overwhelmed, and afraid that the pain that they have will never stop. I try to be an anchor for them to create a safe place for them to rest and grow until they can hold hope for themselves.
Sometimes hope can build from new perspectives. Focusing on steps taken rather than those left to take can foster a sense of progress and capacity. Identifying positive choices and aspects of self can help build self-confidence and self-trust. Meditating on those things for which we are grateful can help us focus more on the positive aspects of life and not just those that do not work. I think we need to be honest with ourselves, but that involves not just acknowledging our weaknesses, failures, and losses, but also our strengths, courage, and potential. For a balanced picture, we need to look at both.
I wonder what you have done well today. I wonder what little gifts there may be in yourself or your life that you are not seeing. Take a moment and look around you and inside you. Is there something to be thankful for? Give yourself permission to be grateful or glad or proud of yourself. All of those help to create hope. If you are having trouble with that, I hope you will find me and allow me to hold it for you until you are able to do so yourself. Thank you for taking this time with me.
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