Today is two days before Christmas. I'm not sure how that happened. One minute it's summer, and the next Christmas carols are wafting up the stairs at work. Frankly, the weather hasn't been very cooperative in this venture. It's in the sixties outside and raining... not what you'd ordinarily expect from Georgia in December. If I could send some of this water to any of you in California, I would.
Amidst all the scrambling to find the right things for the right people and squeezing clients in before the office building closes for the holiday, I find myself thoughtful about the year and how it's gone. Have I made the right decisions in my work? Am I being a good mother to my children? Have I been a good steward of my resources? Have I helped my clients find what they need?
Now, I have a unique knack for picking things apart as they apply to me, and I am not sure all of my answers to those questions are positive or accurate ones. Probably, I am a little hyper-critical. I stumbled across something the other day, however, that made me smile. I have no idea who said it first, so, if it was you, I apologize for the lack of attribution. Anyway, the quote said, "Remember, you have a 100% success rate in surviving everything that has happened to you so far." What a thought!
This, I suppose, gives me some perspective. Whatever my faults and failings as a person, a therapist, or a parent, I have come through everything life has thrown at me. I can certainly think back on some situations that I thought I would never get done with or escape, but somehow I am here today and have the luxury of complaining about the rain. I'm not always sure how I got through, but I have.
When I consider the trauma survivors with whom I have had the honor to work, I find that this quotation has far more meaning. Clients of mine have been through fires, hurricanes, domestic violence, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and assault, physical abuse, violent crimes, and other overwhelming experiences. Many of them present to me with shame about skills they have used to cope: drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. To them I say that, whatever they have had to do in the past, the primary focus is that they survived. Many people in traumatic situations do not have support systems to help them develop safe and life-affirming coping skills. Whether you had to hide, fight back, numb out, or run away, you did what you had to do to get through. You also have that 100% success rate.
So, as the year winds up and many of us are focusing on giving to others, give yourself the gift of affirmation that you have had the strength to survive everything life has sent your way. Odds are good that you will continue to do so. If you need to talk about what you've been through, however, I hope you'll come find me. I'm happy to listen.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Friday, November 27, 2015
McDonald's and Relationships
Awhile back, I was talking with a client of mine, and she was discussing her previous treatment. She stated that her previous treatment had not been very helpful. As we probed into this further, she divulged that she had not told her previous therapists that she had a trauma history. Because the therapists did not have that information, they could not address the real issue.
Now, I firmly believe that clients tell us what they want us to know when they are ready. I am not writing this to be critical of the client for not telling her previous therapists. The reason I bring it up is that it occurred to me that we, as therapists, often assume that we understand what is going on and don't always think to ask directly about other options. Training is becoming more "trauma-informed" these days, and clinicians are instructed to ask everyone directly whether trauma has been part of their history. If that training had been more present before, I wonder if my client would have had more helpful treatment?
People, in general, tend to make similar assumptions. We say something to a friend, family member, or significant other, and we assume that they understand what we mean. One person's idea of doing the dishes might be putting them in the dishwasher, where another person might include wiping down the stove, the counters, and the table as well. Frequently, we get frustrated when we have asked somebody to do something and they do not do what we expect. Similarly, we will often say something to someone else anticipating a particular response and then find ourselves angry or hurt when we do not get that reaction.
As I have thought about this in my own life and experience, I have come up with a technique I call "The McDonald's Method of Communication." Picture yourself coming up to the drive-thru at McDonald's. ("I don't go to McDonald's!" I hear you say, "The food there is terrible for you!" Just go with me on this one, okay?) When you get to the speaker, what do you do? Do you say, "Hmm, I don't know. Whatever you feel like giving me is fine?" Do you say, "Don't you know? If you don't know already, I'm not going to tell you"? Generally, I would think not. You say, politely,"I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke" (or whatever you prefer).
Think about what this form of communication does. It is brief, specific, and respectful. You communicate exactly what you would like, in an appropriate manner, and there is no question about what you need. Furthermore, if the person working the window is on their toes, they will either repeat the order to you or ask you to check the screen to verify that the order is correct. This, again, helps to make sure that the communication is effective. Finally, if you find a mistake in your order at any point, you have an option to correct the problem.
I wonder how much less frustration we would have in our lives if we spoke to each other the way that we speak to the people at the drive-thru? "Would you please wash the dishes and make sure that you wipe down the surfaces as well?" "Can you give me a hug? I've had a rough day." "When you did not say 'thank you' to me the other day, I felt taken for granted. Can we talk about it?" All of these express needs and feelings appropriately and invite others to respond specifically to your request. It may not feel as romantic or special to be so specific, but it greatly increases your chances of getting what you want. Others cannot read your mind, and you may not realize that you are asking or expecting them to do so.
A therapist I admire once told me that the secret to doing therapy was to "be present and assume nothing." This advice, I believe, carries over well into the everyday. I need to remember not to assume that others know what I want or what I am asking for. I need to remember to ask all of my clients about whether or not they have experienced trauma, had suicidal thoughts, or misused substances. I cannot assume that they will volunteer the information, and I might be missing out on important elements of their lives.
How would your life be different if you were more direct and specific? What might you be missing by not digging deeper? This all sounds very easy, and it is -- in theory. Self-esteem issues, traumatic history, lack of trust, depression, and other factors may make this much more difficult. If this seems overwhelming, I hope you will find me. I look forward to being present with you and assuming nothing.
Now, I firmly believe that clients tell us what they want us to know when they are ready. I am not writing this to be critical of the client for not telling her previous therapists. The reason I bring it up is that it occurred to me that we, as therapists, often assume that we understand what is going on and don't always think to ask directly about other options. Training is becoming more "trauma-informed" these days, and clinicians are instructed to ask everyone directly whether trauma has been part of their history. If that training had been more present before, I wonder if my client would have had more helpful treatment?
People, in general, tend to make similar assumptions. We say something to a friend, family member, or significant other, and we assume that they understand what we mean. One person's idea of doing the dishes might be putting them in the dishwasher, where another person might include wiping down the stove, the counters, and the table as well. Frequently, we get frustrated when we have asked somebody to do something and they do not do what we expect. Similarly, we will often say something to someone else anticipating a particular response and then find ourselves angry or hurt when we do not get that reaction.
As I have thought about this in my own life and experience, I have come up with a technique I call "The McDonald's Method of Communication." Picture yourself coming up to the drive-thru at McDonald's. ("I don't go to McDonald's!" I hear you say, "The food there is terrible for you!" Just go with me on this one, okay?) When you get to the speaker, what do you do? Do you say, "Hmm, I don't know. Whatever you feel like giving me is fine?" Do you say, "Don't you know? If you don't know already, I'm not going to tell you"? Generally, I would think not. You say, politely,"I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke" (or whatever you prefer).
Think about what this form of communication does. It is brief, specific, and respectful. You communicate exactly what you would like, in an appropriate manner, and there is no question about what you need. Furthermore, if the person working the window is on their toes, they will either repeat the order to you or ask you to check the screen to verify that the order is correct. This, again, helps to make sure that the communication is effective. Finally, if you find a mistake in your order at any point, you have an option to correct the problem.
I wonder how much less frustration we would have in our lives if we spoke to each other the way that we speak to the people at the drive-thru? "Would you please wash the dishes and make sure that you wipe down the surfaces as well?" "Can you give me a hug? I've had a rough day." "When you did not say 'thank you' to me the other day, I felt taken for granted. Can we talk about it?" All of these express needs and feelings appropriately and invite others to respond specifically to your request. It may not feel as romantic or special to be so specific, but it greatly increases your chances of getting what you want. Others cannot read your mind, and you may not realize that you are asking or expecting them to do so.
A therapist I admire once told me that the secret to doing therapy was to "be present and assume nothing." This advice, I believe, carries over well into the everyday. I need to remember not to assume that others know what I want or what I am asking for. I need to remember to ask all of my clients about whether or not they have experienced trauma, had suicidal thoughts, or misused substances. I cannot assume that they will volunteer the information, and I might be missing out on important elements of their lives.
How would your life be different if you were more direct and specific? What might you be missing by not digging deeper? This all sounds very easy, and it is -- in theory. Self-esteem issues, traumatic history, lack of trust, depression, and other factors may make this much more difficult. If this seems overwhelming, I hope you will find me. I look forward to being present with you and assuming nothing.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Gratitude and Positivity
It's funny to me as I sit here writing this, because it's coming up on Thanksgiving and I am writing a post about gratitude. In my head, I never want to be trite, and this seems to lend itself toward that, but I promise this is not a Thanksgiving post. Over the last few days, I've found myself feeling grateful for the job that I have and for the wonderful people I have encountered doing it. I started off the year in a dark place and felt stuck. I was sure nothing was ever going to change or get better. I could not have imagined feeling the way I do now. I am so thankful for having had the opportunities I have that have allowed me to reconnect with my love for counseling and for the people I have the honor to serve.
Does my life still have struggles? Sure. Those are always present in life, I think. Certainly, it's better when they don't all pile on at once. It seems, though, that when we can find an anchor, struggles are easier to bear. This experience has served to remind me that nothing stays the same and that time, indeed, does give some grace.
So often, particularly when people are depressed or have a history of severe pain and hurt, things feel fixed -- not repaired, but stuck. Studies show that, when we are depressed or overwhelmed, our creativity decreases. I take this to mean that we literally cannot imagine the possibility of change. Sometimes, I guess, we need others to hold on to that hope and belief for us. I have been fortunate in having supports who have helped me in that way before and continue to do so as I need it.
One of the aspects of my work that I feel is sacred is holding onto hope when my clients cannot hold it for themselves. Hope is more than a wish. We can wish for anything: a million dollars, a unicorn, Prince Charming, etc. Hope involves actual belief that something can happen. It may be difficult, it may be a long time coming, but it is possible. Many times, clients come to me feeling hopeless. They are in pain, feeling overwhelmed, and afraid that the pain that they have will never stop. I try to be an anchor for them to create a safe place for them to rest and grow until they can hold hope for themselves.
Sometimes hope can build from new perspectives. Focusing on steps taken rather than those left to take can foster a sense of progress and capacity. Identifying positive choices and aspects of self can help build self-confidence and self-trust. Meditating on those things for which we are grateful can help us focus more on the positive aspects of life and not just those that do not work. I think we need to be honest with ourselves, but that involves not just acknowledging our weaknesses, failures, and losses, but also our strengths, courage, and potential. For a balanced picture, we need to look at both.
I wonder what you have done well today. I wonder what little gifts there may be in yourself or your life that you are not seeing. Take a moment and look around you and inside you. Is there something to be thankful for? Give yourself permission to be grateful or glad or proud of yourself. All of those help to create hope. If you are having trouble with that, I hope you will find me and allow me to hold it for you until you are able to do so yourself. Thank you for taking this time with me.
Does my life still have struggles? Sure. Those are always present in life, I think. Certainly, it's better when they don't all pile on at once. It seems, though, that when we can find an anchor, struggles are easier to bear. This experience has served to remind me that nothing stays the same and that time, indeed, does give some grace.
So often, particularly when people are depressed or have a history of severe pain and hurt, things feel fixed -- not repaired, but stuck. Studies show that, when we are depressed or overwhelmed, our creativity decreases. I take this to mean that we literally cannot imagine the possibility of change. Sometimes, I guess, we need others to hold on to that hope and belief for us. I have been fortunate in having supports who have helped me in that way before and continue to do so as I need it.
One of the aspects of my work that I feel is sacred is holding onto hope when my clients cannot hold it for themselves. Hope is more than a wish. We can wish for anything: a million dollars, a unicorn, Prince Charming, etc. Hope involves actual belief that something can happen. It may be difficult, it may be a long time coming, but it is possible. Many times, clients come to me feeling hopeless. They are in pain, feeling overwhelmed, and afraid that the pain that they have will never stop. I try to be an anchor for them to create a safe place for them to rest and grow until they can hold hope for themselves.
Sometimes hope can build from new perspectives. Focusing on steps taken rather than those left to take can foster a sense of progress and capacity. Identifying positive choices and aspects of self can help build self-confidence and self-trust. Meditating on those things for which we are grateful can help us focus more on the positive aspects of life and not just those that do not work. I think we need to be honest with ourselves, but that involves not just acknowledging our weaknesses, failures, and losses, but also our strengths, courage, and potential. For a balanced picture, we need to look at both.
I wonder what you have done well today. I wonder what little gifts there may be in yourself or your life that you are not seeing. Take a moment and look around you and inside you. Is there something to be thankful for? Give yourself permission to be grateful or glad or proud of yourself. All of those help to create hope. If you are having trouble with that, I hope you will find me and allow me to hold it for you until you are able to do so yourself. Thank you for taking this time with me.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Acceptance and Forgiveness - Brief Thoughts
If acceptance is different than approval, what might you allow yourself to accept? Acceptance involves recognizing what things are and not expecting those things to be different. This could apply to anything from the weather to aspects of ourselves and our loved ones.
If forgiveness is not permission, what might you be able to forgive? Forgiveness relates to acceptance in that it is acknowledging that someone has done something and that nothing you or they do can change it. Secondarily, it involves giving yourself permission not to put more energy into trying to change what happened.
Acceptance and forgiveness are strong words, and I believe that we accept and forgive when we are ready, but I wonder if changing the understanding of the words takes some weight away from them. Perhaps you can even learn to accept and forgive yourself.
If forgiveness is not permission, what might you be able to forgive? Forgiveness relates to acceptance in that it is acknowledging that someone has done something and that nothing you or they do can change it. Secondarily, it involves giving yourself permission not to put more energy into trying to change what happened.
Acceptance and forgiveness are strong words, and I believe that we accept and forgive when we are ready, but I wonder if changing the understanding of the words takes some weight away from them. Perhaps you can even learn to accept and forgive yourself.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Lean on Me...
When I was in eighth grade, I was struggling a lot with figuring out how to interact at school. I was shy, and we had only been in that city for about a year. In that city, in particular, everyone knew everyone else, and social status and history were very important. Being new and not having any social status to speak of, I didn't know how to engage. As a result, I was pretty quiet. I had this one enrichment class with Mr. Suits. He was creative and funny, and I really enjoyed his class. My class had ended up with a seating chart, and I was stuck in a back corner. This left me feeling isolated and intensified my quiet. One day, as we were waiting for the bell, I heard Mr. Suits saying, "Stephanie, just shut up! We can't get a word in edgewise with all your racket! Gosh!" In case it isn't clear, he was kidding with me. I started smiling and laughing, and I began to feel connected and engaged. He had noticed me, and I mattered. That was a clear turning point for me and one I remember with great fondness.
Lately, I find myself struggling with the business side of counseling. When I decided to become a therapist, I, like many others, focused more on the relationship in the room and less on the business of finding people to come into that room. I am used to being a behind-the-scenes person, and marketing requires me to bring myself and my work to the fore. In many ways, this reminds me of work I need to do -- both for myself and for my business.
While in the shower today, I found myself pondering what I value in the work I do. I have worked with people with many and varied struggles: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, relationship problems, low self-esteem, and many others. What is it, in particular, that I bring to the room, and what do I believe helps to facilitate needed changes? As a counselor, I can list all kinds of techniques and ideologies that influence my work, but most of that would sound like gobbledygook to anyone outside the profession. The more I thought about it, I realized my core focus is connection.
Most of the struggles I see in my clients reflect some element of disconnection. Grief, for example, involves loss of connection with someone or something we value. Depression involves disconnect from engagement with the world and with friends/family/relatives. Psychosis involves disconnect from reality. PTSD involves disconnect from others and even from self. With all of that disconnect, developing connection can help bring healing.
What does that connection look like? In a very real way, that connection starts with the relationship in the room. Sitting with someone who will listen and try to understand without judging or creating harm can start to build a sense of safety and trust that allows for attempting other challenges. Learning to share needs and feelings in an appropriate way helps needs get met and feelings get respected. Trying new things with a safe person helps develop confidence and skills.
Connection also involves building awareness of your struggle and how it shows itself. Mental illness and other life struggles do not define the people they affect, but they certainly make functioning difficult. If I can connect with my stressors/problems enough to understand their signs, symptoms, and patterns, I can find new ways to manage them more effectively. Maybe I can make healthier choices in what I eat or how I practice my self-care. Maybe I can find safe people to talk to when I am having problems. Maybe I can learn some skills to help prevent things from getting worse or to help things get better. When I know what I am dealing with, I can make educated choices.
Connection with safe others is also important. Cultivating a support system and identifying safe people helps create a safety net when we are struggling. Safe relationships can give a sense of fulfillment and a sense that we make a difference in the world. Love, in its truest sense, is very healing.
Finally, connection with self creates a stable base from which to grow. If I can know who I am, strengths and weaknesses alike, I can decide what I want to change and what I want to keep. I am not subject to the whims of other people in defining myself. I can know what I want and need, how I feel, what I like and don't, and where I want to go next. This connection with self can be very difficult when trauma, depression, psychosis, and other life stressors tell us that we are not good enough, that no one will love us anyway, or that others want to harm us. It can take great courage to look at ourselves, and therapy can help with this.
I enjoy creating connection with my clients. My goal is to meet them where they are and help them develop the connections they need to make the changes they want to make. I believe connection is healing. I also believe it is a necessary life skill. Learning to develop connection is not always easy, but I definitely believe it is worth the effort. Feeling disconnected? I'd love to help.
Lately, I find myself struggling with the business side of counseling. When I decided to become a therapist, I, like many others, focused more on the relationship in the room and less on the business of finding people to come into that room. I am used to being a behind-the-scenes person, and marketing requires me to bring myself and my work to the fore. In many ways, this reminds me of work I need to do -- both for myself and for my business.
While in the shower today, I found myself pondering what I value in the work I do. I have worked with people with many and varied struggles: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, relationship problems, low self-esteem, and many others. What is it, in particular, that I bring to the room, and what do I believe helps to facilitate needed changes? As a counselor, I can list all kinds of techniques and ideologies that influence my work, but most of that would sound like gobbledygook to anyone outside the profession. The more I thought about it, I realized my core focus is connection.
Most of the struggles I see in my clients reflect some element of disconnection. Grief, for example, involves loss of connection with someone or something we value. Depression involves disconnect from engagement with the world and with friends/family/relatives. Psychosis involves disconnect from reality. PTSD involves disconnect from others and even from self. With all of that disconnect, developing connection can help bring healing.
What does that connection look like? In a very real way, that connection starts with the relationship in the room. Sitting with someone who will listen and try to understand without judging or creating harm can start to build a sense of safety and trust that allows for attempting other challenges. Learning to share needs and feelings in an appropriate way helps needs get met and feelings get respected. Trying new things with a safe person helps develop confidence and skills.
Connection also involves building awareness of your struggle and how it shows itself. Mental illness and other life struggles do not define the people they affect, but they certainly make functioning difficult. If I can connect with my stressors/problems enough to understand their signs, symptoms, and patterns, I can find new ways to manage them more effectively. Maybe I can make healthier choices in what I eat or how I practice my self-care. Maybe I can find safe people to talk to when I am having problems. Maybe I can learn some skills to help prevent things from getting worse or to help things get better. When I know what I am dealing with, I can make educated choices.
Connection with safe others is also important. Cultivating a support system and identifying safe people helps create a safety net when we are struggling. Safe relationships can give a sense of fulfillment and a sense that we make a difference in the world. Love, in its truest sense, is very healing.
Finally, connection with self creates a stable base from which to grow. If I can know who I am, strengths and weaknesses alike, I can decide what I want to change and what I want to keep. I am not subject to the whims of other people in defining myself. I can know what I want and need, how I feel, what I like and don't, and where I want to go next. This connection with self can be very difficult when trauma, depression, psychosis, and other life stressors tell us that we are not good enough, that no one will love us anyway, or that others want to harm us. It can take great courage to look at ourselves, and therapy can help with this.
I enjoy creating connection with my clients. My goal is to meet them where they are and help them develop the connections they need to make the changes they want to make. I believe connection is healing. I also believe it is a necessary life skill. Learning to develop connection is not always easy, but I definitely believe it is worth the effort. Feeling disconnected? I'd love to help.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
The Next Step vs. The Final Step
For the first 20 or so years of my life, I knew I was going to be an elementary school teacher. I could envision writing on the chalkboard, decorating the room, and being the person holding the big book up front with all the answers in it. I had my own little chalkboard, and I used to teach my dolls my homework. I used to cut out Christmas trees for December calendars and hearts for February calendars. I used to help my teachers grade papers in elementary school, and I thought that was fun. I was absolutely certain I was going to be a teacher when I grew up and would be one for the rest of my working life.
I went to college and majored in Elementary Education. Somewhere around the first semester of my senior year, I began to sense that teaching was not my calling, but I persevered. I slogged my way through student teaching, and I eventually found a job teaching middle school science. To be fair, neither middle school nor science were my target demographic, but that was where the job was. After two years of struggling with class discipline, lesson plans, and difficult parents, I knew I needed to do something else. I was taking a Disciple bible study class at the time, and I thought "I could talk about that all day." I also thought that I would prefer to teach college where classroom discipline was not such a big deal and where I could connect with students outside the class in office hours. So, off I went to seminary to work toward a Ph.D, so that I could teach something religion-related in college.
Seminary and I did not agree with each other as well as I might have liked. Other things were happening in my life that did not help, but I ended up taking a year off in which I reconsidered my options. I found theology and philosophy interesting, and I had enjoyed learning about the history of the church, but I realized that I did not think like the other students who were going into Ph.D. programs. I didn't have a specific theologian or belief system that I wanted to research for several years. I was interested in the impact of beliefs and tenets on people, but not as interested in the beliefs and tenets themselves.
During that year off, I got a job at a department store and had a lot of time to think. What I realized was that I wanted to connect with people, and I had hoped that I could do so through whatever subject I taught. Eventually I thought, "cut the middleman" and realized I could be a therapist and do what I wanted to do without having to go through another medium. I went back and finished my M.Div, and then enrolled in a counseling program. That program made sense to me and fit the way I understood people and life. I found joy in studying the material and found my internships energizing and exciting.
As I look back, a part of me says that I should have been a psychology major, gone straight to counseling school, and have skipped all the in-between steps (my bank account would certainly prefer it). Another part of me, however, realizes that those other experiences helped set the stage for what I do now. My experience in education helps me with groups and with explaining terms and concepts to my clients. It helps me to understand how people learn and various ways to reach them. My experience in theology helps me respect and process my clients' religious and spiritual views in a way I might not have been able to before. I not only learned about Christianity but about other belief systems as well. If philosophy is how one understands life, and theology is how one understands God (or lack thereof), then counseling allows me to address both together.
So, what is my long-winded point? My clients often come to me laden with heavy decisions about what to do next in their lives. They think about the next forty steps in any possible direction and get exhausted and bogged down to the point of intellectual paralysis. It can help to reframe the decision as the next decision rather than the ultimate decision. Very few decisions cannot be worked through or changed. Certainly, those decisions require much thought and deliberation. Otherwise, however, all we can do is go with what seems best at the time.
We can never know in advance everything that will happen. We don't have control over everything. We cannot control other people's choices, the weather, the economy, etc. After a point, all we can do is take appropriate precautions and trust ourselves that we can get through whatever choices we make. Every choice is not the be-all end-all, but it can certainly feel that way. Trauma survivors, in particular, tend to struggle with trusting themselves and getting overwhelmed by everyday decisions. A safe person in your life can help you explore your decision-making process and grow in trusting yourself. A different perspective can be very helpful.
Your path may not always seem to follow a straight line, but I believe that, if you trust yourself, the line will take you where you need to go. If you can allow yourself to look for the next step rather than the last step, it can free you up to go places and learn things you never knew you could. You can learn a lot about yourself along the way. I wonder what your next step might be? I'd be happy to help you figure it out.
I went to college and majored in Elementary Education. Somewhere around the first semester of my senior year, I began to sense that teaching was not my calling, but I persevered. I slogged my way through student teaching, and I eventually found a job teaching middle school science. To be fair, neither middle school nor science were my target demographic, but that was where the job was. After two years of struggling with class discipline, lesson plans, and difficult parents, I knew I needed to do something else. I was taking a Disciple bible study class at the time, and I thought "I could talk about that all day." I also thought that I would prefer to teach college where classroom discipline was not such a big deal and where I could connect with students outside the class in office hours. So, off I went to seminary to work toward a Ph.D, so that I could teach something religion-related in college.
Seminary and I did not agree with each other as well as I might have liked. Other things were happening in my life that did not help, but I ended up taking a year off in which I reconsidered my options. I found theology and philosophy interesting, and I had enjoyed learning about the history of the church, but I realized that I did not think like the other students who were going into Ph.D. programs. I didn't have a specific theologian or belief system that I wanted to research for several years. I was interested in the impact of beliefs and tenets on people, but not as interested in the beliefs and tenets themselves.
During that year off, I got a job at a department store and had a lot of time to think. What I realized was that I wanted to connect with people, and I had hoped that I could do so through whatever subject I taught. Eventually I thought, "cut the middleman" and realized I could be a therapist and do what I wanted to do without having to go through another medium. I went back and finished my M.Div, and then enrolled in a counseling program. That program made sense to me and fit the way I understood people and life. I found joy in studying the material and found my internships energizing and exciting.
As I look back, a part of me says that I should have been a psychology major, gone straight to counseling school, and have skipped all the in-between steps (my bank account would certainly prefer it). Another part of me, however, realizes that those other experiences helped set the stage for what I do now. My experience in education helps me with groups and with explaining terms and concepts to my clients. It helps me to understand how people learn and various ways to reach them. My experience in theology helps me respect and process my clients' religious and spiritual views in a way I might not have been able to before. I not only learned about Christianity but about other belief systems as well. If philosophy is how one understands life, and theology is how one understands God (or lack thereof), then counseling allows me to address both together.
So, what is my long-winded point? My clients often come to me laden with heavy decisions about what to do next in their lives. They think about the next forty steps in any possible direction and get exhausted and bogged down to the point of intellectual paralysis. It can help to reframe the decision as the next decision rather than the ultimate decision. Very few decisions cannot be worked through or changed. Certainly, those decisions require much thought and deliberation. Otherwise, however, all we can do is go with what seems best at the time.
We can never know in advance everything that will happen. We don't have control over everything. We cannot control other people's choices, the weather, the economy, etc. After a point, all we can do is take appropriate precautions and trust ourselves that we can get through whatever choices we make. Every choice is not the be-all end-all, but it can certainly feel that way. Trauma survivors, in particular, tend to struggle with trusting themselves and getting overwhelmed by everyday decisions. A safe person in your life can help you explore your decision-making process and grow in trusting yourself. A different perspective can be very helpful.
Your path may not always seem to follow a straight line, but I believe that, if you trust yourself, the line will take you where you need to go. If you can allow yourself to look for the next step rather than the last step, it can free you up to go places and learn things you never knew you could. You can learn a lot about yourself along the way. I wonder what your next step might be? I'd be happy to help you figure it out.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
On Trying Something New
I remember well the day that I chose to leave my last job. Things had been stressful there, and I knew it was time to move on, but the decision was difficult to make. Despite the stress, I had a regular salary. I was never going to get rich off of it, but I was able to do most of what I needed to do. I liked and cared about the population I was serving. I also had benefits like health insurance and life insurance that helped to protect my family and me. More than that, I knew how to do what I was doing there, and the routine was familiar. As much as I knew I needed to leave, the choice to move on was scary. Ultimately, I worked with my support system and found the courage to move into private practice. I am blessed to have the support I do, and I am grateful.
The transition has been interesting and challenging. The world I am in now is very different from the one I left. I've been reconnecting with myself as a therapist and enjoying being in an environment in which I can continue to learn and grow both as a person and as a therapist. I still miss some of the "benefits" of my old job, but I am finding much more benefit in what I am doing now.
All of this change has led me to wonder what allows change and how to face it. What I find is true is that change happens under specific circumstances. Generally, it occurs when we are at a point that not changing is more painful than the idea of change. Frequently, it happens in the course of a crisis. "If I don't leave this relationship, my spouse might start harming the children and not just me." "I've been fired from my job. Now what do I do?" "My spouse just got transferred to another state. How am I going to handle this?" "I'm having nightmares and I'm afraid to sleep." People often come to therapy because they have hit a crisis point. Crisis is beautiful in that it gives us the energy to make change and take on opportunities.
I think, though, that crisis is not the only motivating factor. Support is a huge facilitator of positive change. When we feel that others are behind us and that those relationships are safe, it is easier to find the courage to try something new. I moved more often than I would have liked in my childhood, and it was always hard to make new friends. I didn't have cooties or anything, but I was shy and somewhat insecure. What was almost universally the case was that I became more confident and more outgoing as I developed connections and friendships. I would even take on leadership positions that I would not have dreamed of in the beginning. For me, it took time and connection for that courage to build and for me to allow myself to change.
Therapy is helpful because it provides a safe space to practice new things. We therapisty types talk about "safe spaces" a lot, and perhaps that can be unclear. Safety and comfort are two different words. Change will be uncomfortable. In the therapist's office, however, you can try new skills and take risks without the threat of being insulted, made fun of, ridiculed, attacked, or embarrassed. I tend to focus on effort rather than outcome, and I enjoy helping people build on their strengths. My goal is to accept my clients where they are and not to impose my idea of change on them. The safety lies not only in knowing that you will not be abused in my office but also in knowing that you do not have to be any particular type of person or feel any particular kind of way to be accepted. Who you are and what you need will be respected. When we know that we have a safe space to fall, it is easier to take the leaps.
The other piece that I am trying to embrace as I face this change is recognizing that this is simultaneously like what I used to do and very different from what I used to do. I have to be careful not to impose unrealistic expectations on myself. How do I do that? Well, what I am trying is to allow this to be a new experience and to try to explore it as a new thing rather than expecting myself to have it mastered already. I am trying to be childlike in looking at it in different ways and exploring different options. I know I have necessary skills to do what I want to do and will continue to learn more, and I know what my ethics are, so I do not have to worry about those components not being available to me. This frees me to allow the experience to unfold organically and to allow myself to learn without being embarrassed or ashamed at not already knowing everything. I expect to make mistakes, and I plan to learn from them. We all make mistakes as we learn, and I can accept that.
Have I mastered the art of change? I don't think so. Do I have the perfect answer? Probably not. For that matter, my answer may not work for you, and that's okay. We're all different. I enjoy learning from you, too. If you are having trouble making the change you want, I encourage you to build your support system. Obviously, I am a strong advocate for therapy, but support can also come from family, friends, faith groups, community organizations, and other sources. Having a sense that you matter and that others care about you very much helps with taking the risk of change. Every change does not work out the way we would like, but at least you can credit yourself with taking the courage to make a change for yourself. I definitely think that is an accomplishment to be proud of.
The transition has been interesting and challenging. The world I am in now is very different from the one I left. I've been reconnecting with myself as a therapist and enjoying being in an environment in which I can continue to learn and grow both as a person and as a therapist. I still miss some of the "benefits" of my old job, but I am finding much more benefit in what I am doing now.
All of this change has led me to wonder what allows change and how to face it. What I find is true is that change happens under specific circumstances. Generally, it occurs when we are at a point that not changing is more painful than the idea of change. Frequently, it happens in the course of a crisis. "If I don't leave this relationship, my spouse might start harming the children and not just me." "I've been fired from my job. Now what do I do?" "My spouse just got transferred to another state. How am I going to handle this?" "I'm having nightmares and I'm afraid to sleep." People often come to therapy because they have hit a crisis point. Crisis is beautiful in that it gives us the energy to make change and take on opportunities.
I think, though, that crisis is not the only motivating factor. Support is a huge facilitator of positive change. When we feel that others are behind us and that those relationships are safe, it is easier to find the courage to try something new. I moved more often than I would have liked in my childhood, and it was always hard to make new friends. I didn't have cooties or anything, but I was shy and somewhat insecure. What was almost universally the case was that I became more confident and more outgoing as I developed connections and friendships. I would even take on leadership positions that I would not have dreamed of in the beginning. For me, it took time and connection for that courage to build and for me to allow myself to change.
Therapy is helpful because it provides a safe space to practice new things. We therapisty types talk about "safe spaces" a lot, and perhaps that can be unclear. Safety and comfort are two different words. Change will be uncomfortable. In the therapist's office, however, you can try new skills and take risks without the threat of being insulted, made fun of, ridiculed, attacked, or embarrassed. I tend to focus on effort rather than outcome, and I enjoy helping people build on their strengths. My goal is to accept my clients where they are and not to impose my idea of change on them. The safety lies not only in knowing that you will not be abused in my office but also in knowing that you do not have to be any particular type of person or feel any particular kind of way to be accepted. Who you are and what you need will be respected. When we know that we have a safe space to fall, it is easier to take the leaps.
The other piece that I am trying to embrace as I face this change is recognizing that this is simultaneously like what I used to do and very different from what I used to do. I have to be careful not to impose unrealistic expectations on myself. How do I do that? Well, what I am trying is to allow this to be a new experience and to try to explore it as a new thing rather than expecting myself to have it mastered already. I am trying to be childlike in looking at it in different ways and exploring different options. I know I have necessary skills to do what I want to do and will continue to learn more, and I know what my ethics are, so I do not have to worry about those components not being available to me. This frees me to allow the experience to unfold organically and to allow myself to learn without being embarrassed or ashamed at not already knowing everything. I expect to make mistakes, and I plan to learn from them. We all make mistakes as we learn, and I can accept that.
Have I mastered the art of change? I don't think so. Do I have the perfect answer? Probably not. For that matter, my answer may not work for you, and that's okay. We're all different. I enjoy learning from you, too. If you are having trouble making the change you want, I encourage you to build your support system. Obviously, I am a strong advocate for therapy, but support can also come from family, friends, faith groups, community organizations, and other sources. Having a sense that you matter and that others care about you very much helps with taking the risk of change. Every change does not work out the way we would like, but at least you can credit yourself with taking the courage to make a change for yourself. I definitely think that is an accomplishment to be proud of.
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