Help You Help Me

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the struggles of asking for help.  For many people, the idea of asking for help is just common sense.  Teachers say there is no such thing as a stupid question.  Friends say "let me know how I can help" when a loved one dies or some other life crisis hits.  Most of us are happy to help others when given the opportunity.  Many of us, in fact, will happily go overboard for someone else.  What, then, gets in the way of asking for help when we need it?

There are multiple facets, I believe, to this question.  As I have considered this in the past, I have tended to focus on life experience. If we have spent much of our time feeling unseen or unheard, the idea of asking for help would seem a waste of energy.  Better to focus on managing it yourself.   If help is unavailable or unreliable, there may be more trouble in asking for help and waiting for people to keep their promises than simply marshaling their own resources to solve the problem.  Consider people in Louisiana or Puerto Rico in the wake of those devastating hurricanes.  Waiting for outside assistance could lead to even more overwhelming losses. American culture, in general, also tends to value and reward independence rather than interdependence, in part out of a desire to avoid the dreaded co-dependence.  This particularly applies to men, who are socially expected to be invulnerable and unemotional.  Similarly, Black and African-American people are very often socialized not to need or to ask for help.  There is a strong expectation of independence and invulnerability. Already we are at a loss to reach out to others.

Trauma survivors, in particular, may struggle with the idea of help being either possible or probable.  Where was help when the trauma happened?  Why did no one interfere with the trauma?  Relational trauma (being trauma that happens between people in some level of relationship rather than as result of weather or other impersonal means), in particular, adds its own complications.  Pleas for help may have been not just ignored but mocked or used against the victim.  They may have been shamed for their attempts.  Victims may also have been threatened with harm to loved ones or other important people if they asked for help. If they did ask for help, those they asked may have been dismissive, preoccupied, or overwhelmed. They may have promised help that never came. In some situations, abusers may have been confronted, arrested, or removed but then come back to inflict more and worse pain. Certainly, this would be a deterrent to asking for help in future.

What I have been considering more recently is the question of how we know to ask for help.  One of the hallmarks of relational trauma, especially, is that abusers do not take responsibility for their choices.  Frequently, those abused are blamed for their own abuse or even for the abuse of others. "If you hadn't done X, I would not have had to do Y."  "I don't understand why you make me hurt you." "Why are you so stupid?"  The implication of this is that the trauma is their own fault.  Their problems are of their own creation.

Here's where the logic becomes difficult.  If my problems are my own fault, why would I think to ask for help?  If it's a problem I should be able to manage on my own, it does not make sense for me to seek help for something that is my responsibility. Trauma survivors, in general, tend to be hyper-responsible, and their sense of what is and is not reasonable to expect of themselves may be skewed. Survivors of emotional neglect will struggle to identify and to set boundaries because those were ignored or crossed frequently by the neglectors.  The whole concept of asking for help may seem purely ridiculous.

So, where do we go from here?  How do we challenge our fears and reluctance of asking for help?  To be fair, I don't have a definitive answer.  I still struggle with it. Why is it okay to need a mechanic, a doctor, or a plumber, but it is not okay to need emotional support or financial support?  How do I know what to ask for?  What do I do if I know I need something, but I don't know what?

Sometimes, it can be useful to reframe asking for help as giving others the opportunity to support you.  Paying attention to people's responses to our requests can help us understand them better and make better decisions about our future relationships.  Furthermore, when we allow ourselves to have needs in our relationships, we reduce the risk of being put in the position of being caregivers for everyone else and having our needs neglected.  Who leaves gifts for Santa Claus?  Nobody, because that is not how the relationship was established.  When we do not ask for help, others begin to assume we do not need it, so they do not offer.  Also, I think about Brene Brown's research where she states that we build connection through vulnerability rather than perfection.  If I reach out to safe people and ask for help, I could find a deeper, more satisfying connection.

Determining who is safe is a different blog post, as is what appropriate boundaries are around asking for help.  However, if there is someone in your life who seems reliable and supportive, who makes you feel more yourself rather than less, I wonder how it might be to risk asking for help or support around something you need?  Maybe something small?  How would it be to experiment with that idea?  It's just a thought.  What if you are worth love and care?  What if others might actually enjoy being there for you?  Could you ask someone just to listen and let you vent?  Could you ask for a hug? Could you share with someone that you don't know what you need, but you would like some support?  Those are hard questions.  I don't expect you to have an answer right now.

It is okay to need help.  This is normal and human.  We all need help from time to time.  It is okay not to know what you need.  That can be a real challenge when you were not allowed to have or acknowledge needs before.  It is okay to be afraid to ask.  It's not courage if you are not scared.  Should you decide to ask for help, I hope you can give yourself credit for your courage.  When you do ask for help, you are letting yourself know that you are worth the effort and the risk.  You are not responsible for the outcome, only the effort.

If this is something you might like to explore further, perhaps you might reach out to me and see if I could offer some help?  That would be a risk, but, what if you were worth it?

Be good to you.

Compassion in the Time of COVID

In the last few months, I have learned a great deal about myself.  I have learned that teaching was easier in the classroom, and that my children's teachers are amazing people.  I have learned that I can actually miss my commute, because that is my time to listen to audiobooks and expand my world.  I have learned that working with people through a screen is a lot harder than working in person.  My world has certainly been different with this pandemic.

During this time, I have also seen people in fear and confusion.  People are not sure what to trust, who to listen to, or how to respond.  I have seen people who are frustrated with the government for very different reasons. Some people feel stifled and others feel unprotected.  Some are home with families or children who feel overwhelming, while others have been home alone for months. I have known some for whom this has been terrifying and very real due to their own illness or due to loss of friends or family, and I have known some for whom this all feels very overblown and distant. Furthermore, many are struggling to understand where others are coming from and how they can make the decisions they have. The common thread for all is that we are experiencing a time that is traumatic.  None of us is sure what is happening or how to respond to it.  None of us knows what safety looks like going forward or how we will know what that is.  We are trapped in an overwhelming, potentially lethal, situation over which we have minimal control.

Over the last five years or so, I have been learning about a model of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS).  It was developed by a man named Richard Schwartz in the 1980's. The core concept of IFS is that we are all made up of parts who each have their own role and way of being in the world.  My favorite example of this is cheesecake.

Let's picture that I am stopping by the grocery store on the way home from work (yes, this is a dated example) and I happen to see a cheesecake slice for sale. Part of me thinks,"I want that cheesecake!" Another part says, "You don't need it. It's not good for you."  A third part says, "I've been working hard. I deserve a reward." Another part might point out that it would be a waste of money.  Other parts might chip in their thoughts, too.  In the end, I either buy the slice or I don't, depending on who wins the debate.  In this example, the first part wants me to be happy, the second wants me to be healthy, the third wants me to be rewarded for my efforts, and the fourth is focused on economic matters. Others might be concerned about weight, outside perspectives, the response of my children, guilt after eating, etc.

The goal of IFS is to get to know and work with our parts so that the system functions more efficiently and so that trauma can be resolved. To work with those parts, we approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment or expectation. IFS believes that every part is doing the best it can to try to help.  Some parts may be working off of old information or responding in an extreme way to extreme circumstances.  If we believe, though, that they are doing the best they can with what they have, how does that change our view of ourselves and our choices?  If I make a mistake or a poor choice, it is helpful to explore what was happening and why I responded that way. Certainly, this is more effective than shaming myself. If I can be compassionate and curious, I can learn more about myself and find a better way to meet a need or respond to a trigger.

A beautiful side-effect of IFS work is that we begin to develop more compassion for others.  How would my world be different if I believed everyone around me were doing the best that they could do?  All of us were brought up in a particular way in a particular situation with a particular set of beliefs and a particular set of caregivers. We have each had our own struggles and experiences, and we each have different strengths and points of view. How, then, should we all have the same understandings or reactions in a traumatic time?  What if that person, whose beliefs are so different than yours, is working out of their own understanding of what is best?  We all respond differently to trauma, and our responses are not always conscious.

While I have had many frustrations over the last few months, I have also benefited from compassion. Clients have been remarkably patient with technological issues.  They have forgiven me when my foot has been lodged so firmly in my mouth I have needed a shoehorn to get it out.  Friends have checked in with me about mine and my family's health. My children have received love and support from their teachers while we have been quarantined at home.  My husband and kids have been supportive to me as well. All of this has helped make this overwhelming time more manageable.

As we continue to navigate this pandemic, I hope we can all find some space for compassion, both for ourselves and for others.  None of us have been precisely who we would like to be, but I believe we are all doing our best. If you are having trouble finding your compassion, I hope you will reach out. You are, after all, worth it.

Now in Network with Aetna!

Hope Grows is excited to announce that we are now in-network with Aetna at our Glenridge location.  We are looking forward to welcoming new people.  We are still empaneled with BCBS/Anthem and Cigna as well.  Sometimes, change is a good thing.

"You're Worth It" vs. "No Problem": The Importance of Inconvenience

If you ask anybody who comes to talk to me, they will tell you I have a slightly different response to "thank you" than what most people would say.  When I hear "thank you," my preference is to say, "You're worth it."  This may sound silly, but it is very important to me.  Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on the message that we give others when we say something along the lines of "no problem" or "it's nothing."  Other languages do the same thing.  In French, they say de rein ("it's nothing") or pas du tout ("not at all").  Spanish speakers say de nada ("it's nothing)".  What does this say to others?  You may think I am overthinking this (it wouldn't be a great stretch for me), but it seems to me that this implies that one is only worth giving to if it does not create inconvenience to someone else.

Think about someone you love.  It might be a child, a partner, a parent, a pet, a friend... Are they ever inconvenient?  I would guess so.  I have two children and a husband that I love devotedly.  Are they ever inconvenient? Of course!  Children wake up in the middle of the night and need tending to.  My husband sometimes forgets upcoming events or can't find things that seem to me to be readily visible.  My cat is getting old, possibly senile, and occasionally incontinent.  Are any of those things inconvenient? Of course! Does that mean I love them less? Not at all.  I am inconvenient, too.  I don't have much energy, and I don't get the things done around the house that need doing.  My laundry hasn't been folded in God-knows-how-long (my job in the house) and Mt. Cotton has turned into a range of not-yet-folded mountains (earth science joke for the nerds out there).  My kitchen floor has not been mopped in... way too long.  I can be lazy, irritable, sarcastic... super inconvenient.  Am I still loved? I believe so. Nobody's left yet.

What if the message we send is not that people are not inconvenient but that they are worthy of inconvenience?  Life is not easy, and it is not straightforward.  It requires us to deal with stressors that we cannot bypass or easily reconcile.  What we need is not the belief that things are going to be easy but rather that we can make it successfully through the stressors. Feeling valued and supported helps us have the courage to face change and take risks.

The problem with "no problem" is not just that others may not recognize their value but also that we tell ourselves that we are not worth inconvenience.  Inconvenience, to be clear, is different than entitlement.  I find, myself, that I tend to give up on something for myself when it becomes inconvenient.  It's not altogether laziness, I don't think.  I think it's that I have never learned to value myself enough to cope with the inconvenience.  Discipline has always been an issue for me, though I think my values are good.  I am responsible, but I don't always have the energy or willingness to push through on things for me.  Exercise is good for me.  I know this, but I have not been willing to push past the physical or mental discomfort.  I need to do a better job of keeping up with documentation and finances in my business, but I have not yet motivated myself to do so.

Now, to be fair, I don't think these things are because everyone said "No problem" to me when I said "Thank you." It's not that simple.  Depression, anxiety, and ADD are significant contributors, to be sure. At school, I learned most things pretty easily and did not have to struggle overmuch.   I do think, however, that I never consistently got the message that I was worth inconvenience.  This is not to say that nobody ever did anything inconvenient for me, but more that I got the message that it was a lot of trouble and not something others wanted to deal with. I learned to focus on others and their needs and not to prioritize my own. I don't think anyone intended me to develop those beliefs, but there was not a lot of focus on teaching me something different. Changing those thought patterns will take time and effort, which, I guess, is ironic.

How does this change happen?  Patience, I think, and time.  Replacing criticism with curiosity. Practicing trusting. (Yes, none of these are complete sentences -- poetic license?)  I don't have all the answers yet.  Maybe that's another post.

None of us is responsible for others' beliefs or feelings.  At some point, we are all responsible for ourselves.  We have a choice, however, to consider the messages that we give and reinforce in others and ourselves.  I hope to give my children the idea that they are worth inconvenience and struggle.  I joke that they still live at home and don't bring in any money, but they are seven and four.  Ultimately, their value is not dependent on whether they make me happy or meet my expectations.  They have value simply because they are. 

With the people I see, I also want them to develop the same beliefs.  I hope to help them get to know and value themselves.  To do that, I need to model respect for them and for myself. Boundaries, compassion, and patience all help in that area.  Whether you come to see me or not, I hope that you will learn to be gentle, to be good to yourself, and to remind both you and the ones you love that

You're worth it.

The Importance of Right Now

This is a theme I have touched on before, but I find it is relevant again. As much as I might need a good thought on the evils of procrastination, this is not about that.  This is more about the importance of perspective.

There have been a number of changes and transitions in my life lately, some of which were anticipated, and some of which I did not see coming.  Where I have had some clients leave therapy because the time was right to do so, I have had others who have stopped for other reasons. I expected to need a dental cleaning but not to have a crown fall out.  Life, I guess, is like that sometimes.

In those moments when I start feeling overwhelmed and chasing multiple rabbits down multiple holes, it is difficult to maintain a sense of perspective.  It seems like, however life is at any point, it will always be that way. This is great when things are going well, and we can feel optimistic. When things are not going well, time seems to slow down and illuminate problems in technicolor. Depression, in particular, is excellent at making painful moments feel like forever.

Aaron Beck, founder of a school of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT), described a "cognitive triad" or "negative triad" of thoughts that occur in depression.  Casually phrased, the triad  of thoughts says, "I'm terrible, the world is terrible, and things will always be terrible."  While I'm not altogether sold on CBT, I think Beck nailed those thought processes.  When we are down in the pit of depression, it can seem impossible that there could be a way out or that we deserve one if we can find it.

I remember a few years ago being afraid that my life would be either staying at a job that was horrible for me or having to go back to retail for a living because things would only get worse.  Now, two years into starting my own private practice, I have a job I love that mostly pays the bills.  When the census drops or when financial stressors pop up, it can be hard to trust that things will rebound or that life will get better.  Experience, however, has shown that things generally do get better... perhaps not on my preferred timeline or in the manner that I would expect, but I have never yet lived in the pit forever.  This goes back to that old %100 success rate of surviving everything life has thrown at us so far.  We've all done it.

So, what do we do in times when we are overwhelmed, depressed, and scared? First, we can try to be grateful for what we do have.  I have a home I'm not going to lose, I have a loving husband and two amazing children, and I have a job that I truly enjoy. Being grateful doesn't mean we can't be sad, but it does help us remember that we are not without resources.  Second, we can try to show compassion toward others.  Recently, I've been listening to The Book Of Joy, written about a week-long meeting between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu in which they discussed what joy is and how joy can be attained. In that book, both of those wise men discuss the power of showing compassion to others.  When we feel compassion, we recognize our connectedness and feel less alone.  It's not about looking at others and being grateful that we are not in their place (this is not connection but separation) but rather recognizing that all suffer and that we are all human beings together. Third, we can practice whatever basic self-care we can: eating healthful meals, sleeping, exercising, spending time in the presence of safe others, etc.  One of my favorite self-care activities is snuggling -- with my husband, my children, my cat... Safe physical contact is a great healer.

All of us get in spaces where we feel trapped.  Sometimes, that trap is in our own minds. One of my favorite maxims is to "keep your perspective in perspective."  When I am aware that I am depressed, I am also aware that my perspective is off and that I am likely less able to see positive things, be creative, or think clearly.  In those times, I try to practice the above and reach out to my support system as I am able.  If you find yourself feeling trapped, I hope the above is useful to you. If it's not enough or if you just want another connection point, I hope you will come find me. Then, the two of us can walk your path together. We'll start where you are right now and move into whatever comes next.

Hope Grows is Changing Gardens!

Hi, All.

Due to lease changes, Hope Grows Counseling, LLC is moving to a new location effective March 1, 2017.  The new location will be:

5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200
Atlanta, GA 30342

Phone number and e-mail contact information will stay the same.  I am currently working with insurance companies to ensure a smooth transition. I look forward to continuing the work I love in my new space.  Feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns.

Thanks!

The Power of Intention

So, I've been quiet on here for awhile, and somehow we are almost done with the first month of the New Year.  A new president was inaugurated sometime in the last hour, and we are all waiting to see what will come next.  Many of us have also been thinking about resolutions for the year and setting goals for what we would like to achieve.  It's funny how easily, I think, we tend to dismiss the worth of the plans we make at these times or the effort of making the plan.  How often do you hear someone remark that politicians never keep their promises? How often do we laugh and joke about violating our New Year's Resolutions the next day or the next week? "My New Year's Resolution is not to make any more New Year's Resolutions. Ha, ha!"  While I think it is true that we often do not follow through on those goals, and despite what has often been said about the "road to hell," I think intention has great value.

When people ask me about the value of therapy, I think many of them expect me to elaborate on the relief of depression or anxiety, the improvement of relationships, or the increased capacity to manage stress.  While I believe all of these are definitive and worthy benefits of therapy, I find that I tend to focus on a different aspect -- living life with intention.  Many of us live life essentially on auto-pilot.  We do the same things we've always done and expect that life will generally stay the same. People may come and go, we may change jobs, and the weather may become interesting from time to time, but life in general will be predictable.  The sun will rise in the east, my five-year-old will plunder the refrigerator for fruit any and every time he is hungry, and traffic will be generally miserable in Atlanta at 5:00 on Wednesday.  After awhile, we stop paying attention to our lives, ourselves, each other, and the world around us.

One of the core benefits of therapy is that it shakes us out of our complacence.  We start to look at what we are doing, what and who is around us, and how we respond to all of that.  We start to explore who we really are, what we really need, and what we really want.  So much of our reality is taught to us: what to attend to,  how to respond to pain in others and ourselves, what to value, what to ignore, what to expect of ourselves and others, what our worth is.... Much of this is not verbally expressed but is learned through interaction and implication. One of the beauties of therapy is that it helps us to stop and evaluate for ourselves the lessons we have learned and whether or not those lessons hold true. We learn to explore and trust ourselves.

From that exploration and trust, we can then develop true intention.  When I know who I am and what I value, I can make decisions about what is best for me and how and what I want to share with the world. I am no longer a passive recipient of what others tell me or what I expect to see, but I am open and curious and attentive. My world, both internal and external, becomes alive for me and I engage with it in new ways that create strong and impactful meaning.   I am aware of the choices I am making and why and how I anticipate those will affect others around me.

Therapy is not about changing who you are but connecting with and becoming more fully who you are.  Depression, anxiety, relationship problems and life stressors can all complicate or obscure our self-awareness and sense of empowerment, and as we resolve those issues, we likewise become more intentional. Intention gives us a sense of direction and a motivation to stay open and aware.  I wonder how much longer our resolutions would last if we had more self-awareness?  We all slip back into old patterns and Auto-Pilot from time to time, but trying to live with intention helps us to do so less often and for shorter periods of time.

Self-awareness can start with practices of mindfulness - focusing on awareness without judgment. Paying attention to physical sensations is often a good point of departure. What do I notice in my body and where? Where do I feel pain or tension? Where do I feel relaxed? Is there a pattern to when I feel tension or relaxation? What can I do that changes that?  What message does this pain/tension/stress have for me?

We can also practice mindfulness of our environment.  What does the space you are in look like? What do you see around you?  What do you hear immediately around you? What do you hear that is further away? If you are quiet, do you hear something you hadn't noticed before?  What do you smell? Does that smell have undertones you recognize? Do you have a taste in your mouth? What are your hands touching? What does that feel like? What does the floor/ground feel like if you stomp on it? How does your body feel where you are sitting/standing/lying down? What is it like to focus on the here and now? How is your body responding to that?

There are many other practices that can help develop awareness. In therapy we also look at emotional awareness and engagement. We look at family history and relationships and the messages that were passed down in the family.  We look at life experiences and how we interpret and respond to those.  As we look at those things, we develop a sense of self that can lead to a sense of intention.

Who are you? What do you value in yourself? Others? The world?  What gives you confidence? What creates fear? What and whom do you trust? How do you decide?  All of these are difficult questions, but, I think, worthy of exploration.  If you would like some help in finding your answers to your questions, I hope you will find me. It is my intent to help my clients connect with themselves in such a way as to be able to live in intention.  I may not always succeed, but it gives me a framework and a path to act on what I value.  I wish for you to be able to find the same for yourself.

Hope Grows on the (Internet) Radio

Hi, All.

So, by some odd sequence of events, I will be the featured guest on Professionals Radio.com. tomorrow, 11/29/2016 at 10:28 in the morning EST.  It's an odd time, right?  Anyway, if you want to listen in, you can go to http://professionalsradio.com/listen-live-studio-2/ or http://tunein.com/radio/PRN-FM-2-s274393/.  For those of you I haven't met, you have a chance to hear me being me (as best I can in an interview). For those of you I have, you maybe will get to hear a part of my story you haven't.  I hope you are well, and I look forward to speaking to you tomorrow!

"A Change Gon' Come" : Thoughts on Choice and Responsibility

As we all know, Americans made some significant choices yesterday. For better, worse, or otherwise, elections are over and winners have been chosen.  Whatever my own leanings might be, I believe we need to respect the process we chose and the people we elected.  For many of us, however, we have some discomfort about what has happened, and I think this is reasonable.

Many people struggle with a sense that they, and their votes, are insignificant.  How much does it matter what I vote if I am a democrat voting in a traditionally republican state? How much does what I believe change anything?  How did we end up with these two people on the ballot when people keep saying they don't trust either one?

On a more personal level, we ask the same questions. If I matter so much, how come my own parents didn't see me?  Why can't I find a job/friend/date/spouse that shares my values? Nobody will listen if I say no, so why should I bother?

Many of these questions are hard to answer.  I'm not sure why the system works as it does, except to say that systems exist to keep systems existing and not to make the parts happy.  There's a lot of doing the same things we have always done and hoping for different results this time.

I think as a nation and as people, we have to be more responsible for ourselves.  Perhaps we depend too much on the response of others or on our leaders to define us and to determine what is acceptable.  When I say responsibility, I refer less to blame and more to empowerment. I believe that individual choice can be powerful.

For me, I choose to look at differences as uniqueness rather than threat.  I like to learn about people and what makes them who they are.  We need variety and change in the world to keep us healthy and growing. Somebody has to think about things differently, or we become stagnant.  What do I do, then, if the leadership in the country seems to list to the side of intolerance or fear?

My job, then, is to live in tolerance and curiosity. In my own life, I have conquered fear much more by getting to know people I didn't understand than by avoiding them.  During the debates, when they were discussing what to do about racial issues, the focus seemed to be on increasing power in those whose job it is to protect and defend.  My wish would be that the police and the families hurt in those devastated areas could work together to rebuild both the neighborhoods and the trust that was lost.  I think communication is a powerful tool and our best ally.

At a recent training I attended, the facilitator was talking about how the military used to have problems getting soldiers to fight because they would look across the line and see just another teenager/young man, and this made the opponents too similar to themselves to attack.  As people, we are not designed to attack and harm each other.  For this to happen, propaganda became necessary.  For us to attack each other, we have to be taught to believe that the other is a threat or is less than.  It would seem, then, that the best way to counter this teaching is to connect and to get to know others.

I love my job because I do get to connect to others.  I am no MLK or Ghandi or Mother Teresa.  I doubt I will be nominated for sainthood or start a movement that will change the world.  What I can do is make changes in the world around me.  I can provide encouragement and empowerment.  I can choose to be thoughtful about the words I use and the jokes I make.  I can focus on changing fear and anger to curiosity.

I love my country, and I am privileged to live here with the rights and freedoms that were afforded me simply because I was born here.  I didn't have to fight/bleed/die for these freedoms, and I did not have to go through the pain and fear of leaving another country in hopes of finding solace, safety, or a better life.  I live with much fortune that I have not earned. Still, I have responsibility.

I choose to learn about others and try to understand their perspectives. I choose to support others in doing what they believe is right, provided they do not harm themselves or others.  I choose to spend my time empowering and uplifting others rather than attempting to judge or manipulate them.  I believe people are designed to connect and to want what is best for those with whom they are connected.  The more we can connect, the less we will harm others, intentionally or otherwise.

Similarly, the more we connect with ourselves, the less we will harm ourselves, intentionally or otherwise.  When we can approach ourselves with curiosity rather than fear or hatred, we can learn valuable information and make better decisions. When we truly see and value ourselves, it is easier to stand up for what we believe is good and right.

I hope, when you look at yourself, you are able to explore your strengths as well as your weaknesses.  I hope you can see your value and your uniqueness.  I hope you can choose to advocate for yourself and act on what you believe is right without harming yourself or others in the process.  I hope you will choose to connect rather than isolating or attacking. If you have trouble connecting with yourself or finding connection with others, I hope you will find me. I am not the right connection for everyone, but I would like to help if I could.

I hope future generations and other countries will not judge us by the choices our government makes but by the positive choices that individuals make, whether or not they align with the current government vision.  I believe that I can facilitate change in my little corner of the world by acting on my beliefs and convictions and by supporting others in theirs.  I wish for you that same sense of empowerment.  I believe you can do it.

Who Am I: The Problem With Self-Definition

I find myself thinking a lot lately about who I am and what determines how I answer that question.  On the face of things, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a therapist, an American, a human, a female.... None of that seems overly descriptive. I am also a person who has an underactive thyroid and a set of sinuses that appear to have some sort of vendetta. What does that say about me?  I am also a person who struggles with depression and anxiety and the attending issues of self-esteem, motivation, and self-confidence.

Interesting, isn't it, that I find myself the most anxious about the last sentence?  Why is it that, of all the characteristics listed above, my mental health issues are somehow more shameful?  In general, I am pretty open with my clients that I have dealt with these issues, but I think I still fear that I will be judged and seen as less capable, less stable, or less trustworthy.

It seems funny that we are quick to define ourselves by those labels. People will introduce themselves to me and say "I'm bipolar" or "I'm ADHD."  While I understand their meaning, I find it interesting that people never walk up and say, "I'm diabetes" or "I'm intestinal cancer."  We would think it really strange if someone did, but yet we don't think twice when people identify themselves by their mental illness.  People in the therapy world tend to focus on "person-first" language. That is, you are not bipolar; rather, you are a person who is dealing with bipolar disorder.  You are not ADHD. You are a person who struggles with focus, prioritization, and task completion.  It may sound like silly semantics, but it makes a difference.

I think, because mental illness affects thinking, mood, and functioning, it feels like it changes who we are. I believe it does not change who we are, but it may inhibit our access to the parts of ourselves that we prefer. It is, however, something that occurs because of something we are dealing with medically, not just something "in our heads."  Just because I can't find PTSD on an x-ray doesn't mean it is any less valid than a broken leg.  We expect people, however,  just to "get over" their mental health issues. Have you ever told anyone to "get over" their high blood pressure?  Probably not. I try to describe mental health issues as defining what you deal with rather than who you are.  Depression does not care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Athiest, Hindu, or Agnostic.  Schizophrenia does not care what financial class you represent or how many volunteer hours you put in last quarter.  Addiction does not care what language you speak. These things happen to people of every description all over the world.

So, if I do not define myself by my mental health, how do I define myself? I guess I define myself by what I care about and what I am willing to do about what I care about. I define myself by my interests, my talents, and my quirks.  I define myself by my morals and my values.  I love people, and I enjoy helping them learn to see and appreciate themselves differently.  I enjoy reading, writing, cooking, and swing-dancing. I love words, ideas, metaphor, and philosophy.  I am great at starting projects and not so good about finishing them.  I am remarkably unathletic and out of shape and, unfortunately, very messy at home. I have a dry sense of humor but I hate being made to laugh when I am not in the mood.  I try never to hurt people unnecessarily, I try to be authentic, and I try to leave people and places in a better state than they were when I encountered them.

All of these things are true about me more or less no matter where I am or who I am with.  When I am feeling more depressed and anxious, some of those things are harder to acknowledge or connect with, but they are still me. It is hard not to define myself by others' perceptions and expectations, but if I am to be authentic, I have to be true to myself.

Who might you see yourself to be if you did not evaluate yourself by your situation or your struggles? What can you hold on to about yourself even when things appear bleak or hopeless? We all need support and reassurance, and there is no shame in that. We can all lose our way when times get difficult.  I encourage you, however, to try to take a different view of yourself than just what you are experiencing now.  If you struggle with that, I hope you will come find me.  I'd love to help you reconnect with you.

The Purpose of the Pain

Most of my clients know that I hate exercising.  Let me be clear -- I love the idea of exercising. I know the benefits, and I hear tell that the endorphins are amazing.  Exercise and I, however, do not get along.  I refer to myself as having all the coordination of a three-legged elephant with a short leg. Think about it... get the visual... let it sink in.  See? Not pleasant.  I am, in fact, so uncoordinated that I was pulled out of regular classes in elementary school and put in remedial P.E.  I bet most of you didn't know that existed.  I have the report cards to prove it.

Anyway,  I was running with my daughter in her stroller today, and somehow the weight was wrong.  The stroller sank backwards, and I went flying.  Don't worry.  My daughter was fine. She was buckled in with a five-point harness and just ended up looking at the sky. Me? I scratched up my left hand a bit and bunged up both knees (poor knees).  Fortunately, I was wearing pants, so I did not donate as much skin and blood as I might have.  I managed to get the both of us home (slowly) and made a date with my old friends Bactine and Band-Aid.  I'm fine.  More bruised dignity than anything else... But there was a bit of pain, to be sure.

One of the biggest issues my clients face with me is why their pain must be there and why they can't just ignore it. It is unpleasant, disruptive, distracting, and overwhelming.  Why must it be part of life? Why can't we just shove it away and ignore it?

People attempt to avoid pain in various ways.  We rationalize, we distract, we tell ourselves it doesn't exist and/or we don't have time to deal with it right now.  Some of us drink, use drugs, or engage in other addictive behaviors.  Those who have been through traumatic experiences may cope by avoidance of triggers or by dissociating to some extent or the other.  We go to great lengths to avoid pain.

There is a medical condition known by various terms, including "Congenital Analgesia" and "Congenital Insensitivity to Pain."  What does this mean?  These people physically do not experience pain.  At first, this seems like a great way to live. Wow! No pain! No headaches, no earaches, no toothaches, no gas pains. no arthritis pain... It sounds like a dream.  But wait....

What would happen if you had a nail stuck in your foot and didn't notice? What if your appendix were rupturing? What if you had a massive infection and couldn't feel it?  Does that change your opinion of this diagnosis?

People with CIP must be vigilant.  They must check themselves constantly for injuries, from their gums to their toes.  They can't feel the pain from a fever, either, so they have to check their temperatures regularly. They can't detect temperature,  so they can scald themselves with their food or experience frostbite with no knowledge.  Their bodies don't detect temperature problems, so they don't sweat or shiver.  In essence, they are limited in their ability to recognize problems and to manage them in the natural ways most of us are able to do.

Similarly, emotional pain is also necessary.  The pain draws attention to things we need to address to stay healthy and make wise decisions.  If we did not feel emotional pain, we might stay in abusive relationships, harm others, and limit our own growth.  If we do not have discomfort, we do not make change.  Pain can let us know that we have lost something we value. Pain can alert us that we are not safe in a particular situation. Pain can show us that we are growing. Pain can inform us that we need to change something.  Pain is an invaluable resource of information.

That said, I think there needs to be a balance.  I am a believer in Tylenol, Advil, and Aspirin in moderation.  Next time I need a root canal, I will certainly opt for the Novocain.  If I need my appendix removed, I will expect and accept anesthesia.  Pain for the sake of pain is not healthy for anyone.

We don't have to live in the pain all the time.  If I am having an appendectomy, I would rather my surgeon not choose that time to give in to her grief in losing her mother. I don't want my Uber driver chasing another car with road rage for cutting him off in traffic.  If I am with a client, this is not the time for me to engage in my personal pain in whatever area of my life.  Those are appropriate times to put the pain to the side for a time and focus on something else.  If I can't put aside my pain, I need not to be seeing clients until I am in a better place.

When painful feelings come, however, the best option, usually, is to let the feeling be there. You likely won't need a canoe and oars to get out of the house if you let yourself cry.  Feeling anger doesn't mean you are going to burn the house down or kill the neighbor's dog.  If you can allow the feeling to be there and get the message it is giving you, it will go away on its own.  Emotions are usually fairly simple.  When we shove them away or tell ourselves we can't feel them, that's when things get complicated.

Instead of simply feeling sad, we add in guilt for being "weak," then we get mad at ourselves for beating ourselves up, then we criticize ourselves for being so messed up and for being such a burden on others, and then we can decide that we must be totally useless and take up too much space in the world.  That sure is a lot of stress to evolve from a simple feeling of sadness.  Wouldn't it just be easier to allow the sadness and accept that the sadness is there to help us recognize what is important to us?  It seems so to me. Emotions repressed or suppressed over a long period of time can lead to depression and anxiety.

We are designed to experience pain so that we can address problems when they come up.  Similarly, a lack of pain can help us recognize that we are safe to go on with what we are doing.  The experience of pain is subjective for each of us, and only you know when the pain is tolerable for you and when you need to stop or need assistance.  If we can accept pain as a messenger, then we can accept ourselves with that pain.

Someone with CIP who had my accident today might have significant issues that they were unaware of without the pain.  There might be infection, muscle damage, or even a broken bone that went unnoticed by them.  Fortunately, I experience pain, and I was able to recognize that I was healthy enough to walk home, practice a little first aid, and nurse my bruised dignity.

Next time you have an unpleasant feeling, try letting it be there and see what it has to tell you. You may be surprised how it resolves itself.  If the pain is too much or you are too scared to feel it, I hope you will come find me. We will work together to make it safer for you.  Be good to you...

Gathering Rosebuds, Making Hay, Taking Paychecks, Etc.

I was reflecting yesterday that the last week and a half have been really positive for me.  Several clients have reflected with me about the progress they've made and how happy and proud they are of their work.  I cannot take responsibility for their progress, but I know I have been part of it and I am always excited to see my clients start to feel good about themselves and to feel that they have the potential to make the changes they need. My work is rewarding in itself, but it is always amazing when clients are able to see their own strengths and tell me about them.

Furthermore, I am getting some new clients, thus alleviating some of the anxiety in the previous post.  My kids are adjusting to their new school situations, and we may be seeing the end of diapers in our near future.  The kids are healthy for the moment, and we are starting to find a rhythm. The temperature has dropped a little outside, and it begins to seem that we can breathe a little. How nice it is to have such a pleasant patch of time.

Unfortunately, like many people, I struggle just to sit and enjoy the moment. My mind jumps to what will happen if someone gets sick, if my client load drops, if scheduling decreases, if my car needs some kind of repair.... You get the idea.  The fact is that any of those things could happen at any time.  Nothing is guaranteed except change, and change is not always what we expect.  I am all for positive thinking (and hope, clearly), but I also believe that we have to be honest with ourselves. Nothing we can do can prevent bad things from happening sooner or later.  We simply do not have that level of control.

So, what do we do when we don't have control? We take control of what we can manage. We pay attention to eating healthier foods, drinking water, getting rest, getting exercise, spending time with loved ones... As one of my previous clients liked to say, "Start with the basics." We can also choose what we tell ourselves about what is happening and how we respond to those things, but that is a different post. What else can we do?

I encourage people to allow themselves to enjoy the happier times.  Many clients have told me that they were afraid to be happy because the depression would hurt that much more when it came back. I tend to liken this to refusing to take a paycheck because I might have bills next week.  Yes, it hurts when depression comes back, but enjoying the happy times is like putting money in the bank so that you can have a better chance of handling the bills when they come.

All of our energy for living -- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual,  and psychological all comes out of one source -- sort of like a bank account.  When we practice self-care in any of these ways, we make deposits into the energy bank. Frequently, however, we forget to practice that self-care, and we become depleted. Then, when our energy bills come, we feel overdrafted when we have to pay them. When we take the time to take a nap or go for a walk or snuggle with a pet or small child, it helps put energy back in.  You may not be able to take that trip to Maui that you've been hoping for, but you can take 5 or 10 minutes to practice mindfulness, do some deep breathing, or listen to a song that helps to brighten your mood.

It can be difficult to persuade yourself to make time for self-care. Life gets hectic, situations get overwhelming, and expectations can feel unreasonable. Think, however, about the difference between a toddler who has had a nap and one who hasn't.  Right. The one who's had the nap is definitely easier to work with.  Similarly, when you take time for yourself, you are more functional, too.

So, those old adages about "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" and "make hay while the sun shines" have some old wisdom.  Surely we age, and surely the rain will come, but the more we make of the time we have, the better we will be able to manage when the more difficult times come.

I hope you will take some time to give to yourself. Every little bit matters. If you are struggling to do that or are not sure how, I hope you will find me.  True, it takes time to come and see me, but it may be that the benefit makes the outlay worthwhile.  I believe it does. In the meantime, enjoy the sun.

"I Haven't Got Time for the Change" vs. "A Change Will Do You Good"

Where I am, change is about to be in full swing.  Kids here return to school on Monday.  This will be my son's first day of Kindergarten ::shiver::.  My daughter will have to go to her preschool without her brother for the first time in her memory.  My husband and I are grateful for the reduced cost in childcare, but we're not sure how to cope with the fact that our baby is not such a baby anymore.

At work, a beloved support, administrator, and clinician is retiring --- or changing positions, as she says. I haven't known her long, but she has been instrumental in helping me adjust to private practice and in helping me put aside some of the professional demons I've been carrying with me.  She is stepping away to spend more time with her family and to take on some other roles.  I am glad she is doing what she needs to do for herself and her family, but I will miss having her there as a person and as a resource.

My clients are changing some, too.  Those that were available for the summer may be going back to school or venturing off for other goals. I enjoy my clients and the work I do, and I find myself in that mother-y sort of position of knowing that they need to make these changes to work toward their goals, and yet I dislike losing the contact of the sessions.  I've been joking a lot lately about how ironic it is that we "people people" become therapists -- the only job I can think of where you're not allowed to make contact with your clients once the job is done.  I also find myself wondering where I will find new clients.

The question is how to cope with change.  What I think is frightening about change is the unknown.  What will happen when my child goes to a new school? How will my role change?  What will happen after my client goes overseas? Will she continue the amazing work she has been doing?  Who will I be after I change?  What will my life mean?  How will I handle new expectations?

The antidote to that fear, I believe, is trust.  It's a tricky proposition, this trust thing, because, by it's very nature, we cannot prove that what or whom we trust will be able to meet our expectations.  Many of us have been through changes that were not our choice and/or were not for the better.  Trauma survivors, in particular, tend to see most, if not all, change as frightening.

So, what or whom do we trust? For many, faith beliefs give them hope that a higher power is looking out for them and wants what is best for them. This can be a powerful relief and support for those who are able to hold on to it.  I don't mean to reduce faith to a coping skill. For those with faith beliefs, clearly faith is much more than that, but on a basic level, it certainly can help us cope.

Hopefully, each of us has someone (or more than one someone) who feels safe to us. This would be a person who makes us feel more ourselves, who listens, and who supports us even when we make mistakes.  This person is not magic. He or she cannot solve all of our problems, but we can trust that this person will be there for us through our change.  As I have said before, I believe a support system gives us the courage to step out and try new things (Wow! Attachment theory!). When we have someone we trust behind us, we are less afraid to try and less afraid to fail.

Most of all, I think it is important that we trust ourselves.  I don't mean to imply that any of us are perfect or that we always know what the right thing is, but I do believe that we have pretty good guidance if we will listen to ourselves.  I tell my clients that their guts are different than what they want, how they feel, or what they think.  Your gut is what tells you if you feel safe to share in therapy. It is the part that makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck when a situation isn't right. It is the part that can help you differentiate whether you are afraid because something is new or because something is hazardous.  If you listen to that part of yourself, you have a pretty good barometer for decision-making.

We tend, however, to ignore our guts. What we learn can be inconvenient.  We stay  in unhealthy relationships because we fear we cannot find anyone better. We agree to things we don't want to do or that do not feel right because we want others to like us or we don't want to create conflict.  We don't want to have to try again or look further or face parts of ourselves that we don't like or that we are afraid are not good enough.  For some, their wants and needs have been ignored for so long that they have forgotten how to listen to themselves.

Therapy, I believe, can help with this.  My primary goal with most of my clients is to help them reconnect with and begin to listen to themselves. Often, once they start to do so, they find that they are happier with their decisions and with their lives.  They feel stronger, and they have ownership of themselves and their choices.  Learning to listen to yourself may feel like a risky proposition.  If you need a support system to help you feel strong enough to make those changes, I hope you will find me.

As much as I worry about the changes around me, I think we'll all come through.  My son will adjust to his new school. My daughter will become more comfortable being at her school without her brother.  Frankly, I think they will both come to enjoy the change.  I believe in and trust my clients to do what is best for them, even though I likely won't get the end of the story.  Their work has been their own doing, and nothing can take that away.  Other clients will come, and I will get to start on new journeys with them.

I am thankful for all of the support I have that is helping me through my changes.  I hope you have some, as well. If not, I hope you will find me.  I would be happy to be there for you.

Well, now that I've said it...

Have you ever made a statement that you believed but then the world/fate/whatever called upon you to uphold it? This has been true for me.  I published a very optimistic post about the power of not being perfect last week, and this week I seem determined to prove the point.

So, I had a new client scheduled yesterday.  I have been excited to meet her, and I think we'll be a good fit. And... I misremembered the time and completely missed the appointment. **Sigh** I spoke to her briefly and apologized profusely, but I felt terrible. I don't like to start a therapeutic relationship (or any other) that way, and I want her to understand she is worth more than that.  She seemed happy to reschedule, and I hope I get the opportunity to meet with her. But... I was human and imperfect. She was gracious and thoughtful, but she had every right to walk away and not come back.  Despite my error, I found grace.

Then, this afternoon, I was leaving my office and I was heading to my car. I was looking at my phone trying to figure out my next step when... I tripped up some cement steps. I can't say for sure if it was because I wasn't paying attention, if it was the heels I was wearing, or... One minute I'm walking, and the next I'm seeing cement come up at me in a hurry.  Fortunately, I wasn't badly hurt. I skinned my knee through my pants and got a knot on my shin, but I mostly bruised my dignity.  Others might have laughed at me, but that was not my experience.  The first person who came up to me mentioned that she had fallen before and I shouldn't be embarrassed. She helped me gather my things.  Five or six others came by, none of whom I knew, and each of them asked if I was all right or if I needed help.

It's amazing the grace I've found in the last couple of days despite issues I could have avoided if I'd been paying more attention.  So, I've learned two lessons: one is a valuable lesson in mindfulness -- if I check my calendar and watch where I'm walking, I will have an easier life. The other is that I can find grace and forgiveness even when I'm not mindful the way I ought to be. I am thankful for the grace that others have given me this week.

I hope that you can find grace in your life in your rough patches.  If you need some help finding that grace, I hope you'll find me.

Perfection... isn't so much

Lately, I  have been thinking about some of the people in my life who have been meaningful for me and who have helped to shape my life.  There was my third grade teacher who helped me, the new girl, connect with a classmate who ended up being my best friend for the next several years. There was my eighth grade and tenth grade teacher (same person) who helped bring me out of my shell and allow me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I had some professors in college who took the time to get to know me, not just as student, but as a person.  We would spend hours discussing philosophy, literature, or religion but also friends, family, and fears.  I remember feeling at home in college in a way I never did before.  I felt like I knew myself and I had possibilities that I had not considered before.

Despite my love and gratitude for these people, they were not perfect.  My third grade teacher caused something of a scandal because she was divorced.  My eighth and tenth grade teacher was wonderful and thoughtful and creative, but I can see now that he was in flux. Not long after I finished tenth grade, he moved into administration and is now the principal at the middle school there.  The professors I loved had various issues: difficulty with connection, depression, self-esteem issues, family stresses, etc.  I didn't need them to be perfect. I needed them to be who they were.

I have a tendency to be somewhat perfectionistic in my own life (sadly, not with cleaning, but with other areas), and this can be a problem.  My own therapist explained to me (and I think she was right), that many of my situational problems have occurred when I tried to force myself to be perfect.  When I get there, I stop listening to myself and stop being myself, and then I trip over and step in all kinds of things.  It's hard to remember that, however, when I am afraid that I am not good enough or that I will make a mistake that will hurt someone.  I have to learn to trust myself.

My clients, I think, struggle with some of that same feeling that they have to be perfect.  They have to be perfect to be loved, to be safe, to be approved of....  The struggle is real.  This perfection extends from their physical appearance to their behavior to their decision making. From the outside, I can see that perfection, even if it were possible, would not be the shield or the insurance that they want it to be. Most of what they are trying to protect themselves from is not about them to begin with but about other people and their decisions.  This, however, is something they need to learn for themselves.

What I notice more, though, is that when they try to be "perfect" in therapy, they don't get the response they want there, either.  When they tell me what they think I want to hear, I don't know what they really are experiencing. When they hide what they feel or what they think, they reinforce their own shame and leave me either responding to something that isn't there or confused about who I'm with.  Neither of us is able to do the work that needs to be done when either of us is focused on being "perfect."

When we are both ourselves, however, we can connect in a way that people don't often have the opportunity to do. What has been hidden in shame can often be seen in a different light and released.  What makes people different becomes a uniqueness rather than a defect.  If I were perfect, my clients could not relate to me.  If they were perfect, they wouldn't need me.  When we are perfectly imperfect together, change happens and new meaning is created.

I would like to thank all of those perfectly imperfect people who have helped me to be who I am today. My heart and soul are grateful to them.  If you have things to discuss and need someone who is not perfect to help you, I hope you will find me.  I'd love to see what we could do together.

Moving from Black and Blue to Purple

When I was in high school, some of my friends used to play a card game in which one had to learn the game by playing it and no one could tell you the rules.  I think they made it up, but I don't know.  I didn't play it. They would all sit in a circle laying down cards, and stating phrases like, "and now for something completely different..."  I never did learn the rules of the game, and I imagined I would be very frustrated if I were to attempt it.

Lately, I have been doing some research on domestic violence for a workshop I am putting together, and it occurs to me that being in that kind of a relationship must be something like a much more violent and threatening version of that game.  It seems like only one person in the relationship knows what the rules are, and the other person keeps trying to figure them out and getting abused for their ignorance. (Please note, I am not calling them "stupid" -- which implies inability to learn -- but "ignorant" -- which implies not knowing.)  Sadly, the one rule is that the one being abused cannot win.  This rule, however, is never communicated, and the person being abused is left trying fruitlessly to "get it right" so that the abuse stops.

The phenomenon of domestic violence is not new. It has probably been around as long as people have been pairing up.  Like most trauma, however, we often don't want to believe it exists.  According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, approximately 20 people per minute are physically abused by a partner in the United States. This does not include verbal abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, or financial abuse.  Too often, people are ashamed to talk about what happens behind closed doors, and that shame is often reinforced by questions from others like, "Why don't you just leave, then?' or "What did you do to piss him off?"  If only things were that simple.

By and large, domestic violence relationships don't start out the way they end.  The abusive partner often starts out very charismatic and attentive.  He or she lavishes gifts, praise, and compliments on the intended partner.  They frequently move the relationship along quickly, leaving the partner little time to think.  Slowly but surely, they begin crossing the partner's boundaries and cutting them off from their support system. ("Do you really have to go see your mom today? I was hoping you could come to the new exhibit at the art museum with me today. You can always go see her next week, right?"  "You know your dad's against me. I don't want you spending time with him."  "I don't like how your friends dress. You can do better than them. Let's go out to dinner together instead," etc.

Gradually, things shift so that the abuser is finding little flaws in the partner (whether or not they exist) and begins creating the belief that the partner needs to fix these things, and then things will be fine.  The failings and flaws generally become greater and more numerous, and the punishment becomes more vicious.  Frequently, the abuser would say something like, "If you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have had to do Y.  You know I don't like doing that to you. Why do you make me do that?"

The above is not a universal pattern, but is representative of what often does happen.  There is a concept known as the Cycle of Domestic Violence that describes the typical pattern:

We start in the honeymoon phase.  All is sweetness and light, and the abuser is loving and attentive. Gradually, we enter the tension building phase. The abuser has become more critical, angry, and degrading.  The tension builds until the violent episode or explosion occurs.  The explosion can be physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, or any combination of the above.  After the explosion, we go back to the honeymoon period in which the abuser is giving apologies (while blaming the abused), giving gifts, and making promises.  Thus the cycle repeats.

By the time most people are ready to get out of the relationships, their self-esteem is all but obliterated, they have little or no support system, and they may have no access to resources.  Abusers often take control of the household finances and may even have control of documents such as birth certificates and Social Security cards. All the while, the person being abused is conditioned to believe that the problems are all his or her fault.  Furthermore, the abuser may threaten the abused with physical violence (toward the abused or others), lack of access to children, lack of access to needed documents (including passports or green cards for those not from the U.S.),  interference with work or other relationships, even death.  Getting out is not simple.

Furthermore, just getting out does not bring safety for the abused.  The first 72 hours are especially dangerous and the most likely time frame for the abused to be attacked or killed. Once they do get out, they have to find someplace to stay. They may be afraid to go to family either because of the separation that has been created with them or because they fear harm to their family members if they are found there.  Guilt and shame may also play a role.  If they have no money and no documentation, it will be difficult to find shelter, employment, or even transportation.  When the stress becomes too much, many will return to their abusive homes due to lack of options and face even greater danger and abuse.  Even if they do get out and stay out, the recovery is just starting, and much difficult work lies ahead.  The person coming out very often does not feel much like the person who went in.

All of this sounds very dour and dire, and it is. People's lives and livelihoods are threatened this way much too often.  Much of the abuse is kept hidden, and those abused are riddled with guilt and shame.  Abused men, in particular, can have a difficult time seeking and accepting help because of the assumption that men should be able to take care of themselves.  There is hope, however.

Most states have domestic violence hotlines available.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline is : 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). In my state, Georgia, the hotline is 1-800-33HAVEN. These hotlines have trained therapists available to help abused people find resources and make plans to get out safely.   When possible, it is helpful to have a plan in place and to have whatever resources possible available before someone tries to leave.  Many organizations exist to help those who have been in abusive relationships, and they can help with finding safe housing, getting employment, and providing needed support in legal proceedings.

A trained therapist can also help. Some can help with finding a way out, and others can help once someone has gotten out to help that person regain a sense of self and safety.  There are support groups available as well. It takes time to move from being a victim to being a survivor to thriving, but it can happen.

If you believe someone is being abused, try not to judge them.  Listen to them and let them know that you are there for them.  You can help connect them to support through a hotline or a therapist.  They may not feel comfortable calling a helpline themselves because their partner monitors their calls or does not allow them to make calls.  Remember that leaving without a plan is not recommended and that they may need time to be able to leave. Let them know they are not forgotten or alone.

If you are being abused, I hope you will contact one of the above numbers or speak with a trusted friend who can help you.  You are not alone.  It is not your fault. You cannot change your abuser, so focus on doing what you can to take care of yourself.

Purple is the color of domestic violence awareness.  I hope this post has helped you better understand some of the dynamics and issues of domestic violence.  I am not an expert, but I am learning more every day. This post is not at all exhaustive of the available information or the issues inherent in domestic violence, and I hope you will do what you can to learn more.  Volunteers are always needed.  People escaping abusive situations need food, clothing, shelter, and housing supplies.  They also need support, understanding, and patience.  I hope you will give what you can.  I thank you for letting me make your understanding a little more purple.  If you have been hurt by domestic violence and need someone to talk to, I hope you will find me. I believe in hope and healing, and I would be honored to help you find yours.

(Statistics cited from NCADV. (2015). Domestic violence national statistics. Retrieved from www.ncadv.org)

Belief and Trauma -- Why What We Believe Matters

Before I write this, I want to acknowledge that I have not done extensive research on this particular subject and I do not consider myself an expert.  What this is, however, is something I have considered and observed with many clients. These are my musings and my theories.

Lately, I have found myself discussing trauma with a number of clients and exploring why the trauma matters so much. My clients have experienced everything from sexual abuse to domestic violence to emotional neglect to physical abuse and beyond.  Certainly there are some traumatic experiences that appear obvious: hurricanes, wartime experiences, random acts of violence, rape, etc.  Others are less easily identified: emotional neglect, emotional abuse, acquaintance/marital rape, and  psychological abuse to identify a few.

What ties all of these experiences together? My belief is that it is the message we receive about ourselves as a result.  This is particularly true about relational trauma (trauma that happens between people in some form of relationship rather than an act of a stranger or of nature), but also true about other forms of trauma as well.   Trauma tells us something about who we are and what our value is as well as what we can expect from the world.

The example that I have been pondering with my clients is this:

Suppose I tripped and accidentally knocked my son down the stairs and he broke his arm.  How would this affect him differently than if I had pushed him on purpose and he broke his arm? (I wouldn't, incidentally, but I wanted to set up an example.  I hope you know me better than that by now.)

The response I get from my clients is generally, "intent."   I think this is true from my perspective, but I am not sure that my son could consider intent.  My guess is that the difference would be what the action told him about himself.  If it is an accident and I come and tend to him, hug him, snuggle him, and do what I can to find him help and healing, that gives a much different experience than if I just leave him at the base of the stairs crying or if I yell at him to stop being such a baby and get over it.  The first says, "I love you, I value you, and you are worth more than what just happened to you." Furthermore, I would take responsibility for the action, and this would continue to reinforce that message.  The second says, "You are worthless, disposable, not good enough, and only useful for me to take out my anger on."  Those are much different experiences.  My son emotionally would recover much faster and more easily from the former than the latter.

One instance of abuse is bad enough, but when abuse and neglect are repeated, the negative beliefs about self are reinforced, potentially to the point of creating a strong negative sense of self.  We all search for meaning and understanding in our lives, and, particularly in the case of trauma, we are not comfortable with not having a cause and effect relationship.  So, in absence of a better answer, we often blame ourselves.  This is equally true for physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as well as physical and emotional neglect.

Sex in itself is not a bad thing and does not have to be hurtful.  Accidents happen.  Sometimes we struggle to get our physical needs met.  In each of these cases, emotional support and comforting can help to ameliorate the impact. When emotional support is not given or is actively taken away, the impact is intensified.

One of my big beliefs in working with trauma is "you can't compare pain."  What has happened to each person affects them, and there is no comparison. I find, though, that it is particularly difficult for those whose abuse was largely verbal or psychological to accept their experiences as being as valid as those who suffered physically or sexually.  In my belief, it is the emotional impact that matters, and this is what I tend to focus on.

Trauma recovery is not just about learning how to manage and store one's experiences but also about challenging and changing the beliefs that we develop about ourselves as a result of what has happened.  My goal as a therapist is to help my clients develop a more balanced view of themselves and to reconnect with themselves as wonderful, valuable human beings.

If you have been hurt in any of the above ways, I hope you can find someone to help you navigate these experiences and rebuild your sense of self.  What happens to you does not define who you are but what you have to deal with.  If you need someone to talk to,  I hope you will find me.  I would love to help you find your way back to yourself.  Whoever you are, you matter.

Whence Comes Forgiveness?

Ordinarily, when I am writing this blog, I tend to write about something about which I have been pondering and on which I have found some level of resolution.  This, I think, will not be like that.  It is a question I am still exploring, but maybe I will find some clarity discussing it.  I hope you will bear with me on this.

"Forgiveness" is a topic that comes up frequently in therapy, particularly with clients who have been through some level of trauma.  They seem to have a lot of pressure to forgive without having a clear  understanding of what that means or what it would look like.  Furthermore, many people have grown up with the notion of  "forgive and forget," and the latter is nearly impossible for trauma survivors.  Frankly, I think forgiveness is a good thing but forgetting is unwise.

So, I guess if we are going to discuss the idea of forgiveness, we need a workable definition.  This can be a bit squirrely for some people, particularly those with certain faith backgrounds.  As a therapist, I try not to pull from a religious definition, not because I don't have faith, but because I feel it is not my place to tell others what to believe.  I am happy to discuss your faith with you and how that affects your concept of forgiveness, but I am not likely to start from that space in that conversation.

My understanding is that the concept of forgiveness, in itself, arose from monetary transactions. The example I give to my clients is this:

Suppose I asked you for $200. (I wouldn't, by the way.  I do have some ethics. But go with me on this.) So, I ask you for the money, and you give it to me.  I promise I will give it back when I see you next week. Next week comes, and I don't pay you back.  I apologize, give an excuse, and say I will pay you the next week. Say this continues for many weeks or months.  This may escalate in a number of ways, but let's say I never pay you back, despite my promises and protestations to the contrary.  Forgiveness in that sense would mean writing off the debt. You would be saying that you no longer have any belief that I am going to pay you and you are not going to put any more energy into trying to get that money back.  The money is gone, and it's not coming back.

What are the implications of this? Well, the first part is that you have accepted that the money is not coming back.  You feel you have done everything you can or are willing to do to get financial remuneration from me.  You are done with filing legal charges, hiring private detectives, calling out a hit squad (just kidding, I hope), whatever.  You are done with that interaction.

Second, you probably won't lend me money again. (I don't blame you.)  This is where the "forgetting" concept is unwise. If you know I'm a bad credit risk, you're less likely to give me that chance again. If forgiving and forgetting were synonymous, a lot more people would have a lot less money. Not expecting me to pay you back does not mean that you have to lend me money again. You are welcome and encouraged to learn from the experience.

Finally, not expecting the money to come back does not mean that you don't still have problems related to what happened. Maybe you can't pay your light bill or your rent or buy your groceries because you gave that money to me. Maybe your own credit is affected. There can certainly still be repercussions.  Forgiveness, then, does not necessarily mean that things don't hurt anymore, but it does mean you have stopped looking for things to be different or to gain back what you have lost. You are able to move past wanting things to be different and into healing.

The question for me is how we get to the point of forgiveness and how we know we are there.  A client of mine was mentioning that the rational part of her had decided to forgive someone.  When she said that, I was taken aback.  I had never considered forgiveness to be a rational decision.  As I discussed it with her, I found I wasn't sure where that decision came from. Is it rational? Spiritual? Emotional?  I think I have always just thought we had a sense of knowing that we were at that point. I don't know exactly how we get there.  It seems more than an intellectual decision. That seems too simplistic to me, yet I don't have a better answer.

What I do know is that we cannot forgive, not sincerely, if we are not ready.  If we are not done with trying to get things to change, to get our remuneration or revenge, or believing that things "should"
be different, trying to force ourselves to forgive is an exercise in frustration and guilt.  We cannot be done until we are done. We have to do the work before we can forgive.  Needing to do the work is not a sign of weakness.  We cannot be there until we get there. Remember, readiness is different than willingness or potential.

Have you been able to forgive someone? What was that decision like?  How did you know you were ready?  I'm curious to explore more on the subject.  I believe that forgiveness happens, and I know some of the steps toward getting there, but I am curious about that moment when we know we are done.  What do you believe? I would love to continue this conversation with you.  If you have not been able to forgive yet, I hope you will give yourself some grace.  If you need help with that, I hope you will find me.  I would like to walk this road with you for awhile.  Perhaps we can learn together.

The Case for Creativity

I have always loved driving through a city at night.  I look at the buildings with their lights on, and I wonder what the story is of the people in those buildings at that time.  Is it someone working on a cleaning crew trying to get everything done quickly so he or she can get home to their family?  Is it some harried executive trying to finish a project or proposal? Is somebody behind one of those windows looking out at the city as I am and thinking long thoughts?  I wonder what the people in those buildings are thinking and noticing.  I wonder what they know that they don’t even think about.  What is their experience? Where do they come from? Where would they like to be? So many possibilities….

What do you wonder about?  What makes you curious? What do you daydream about or imagine?

Many of the clients I see have lost touch with their curiosity.  Anxiety and depression, in particular, can quash creativity.  When we are depressed, there is no energy to find alternatives, and when we are anxious we can get too wrapped up in the problems to find creative solutions.  When I have been in darker places in my life, it felt as though the situation would always be that way and that things would never change.  I can always tell when I am coming back to myself because I start wondering about things and asking more questions. I can start to see possibilities and play with ideas in my head.

One of the ways that therapy can help is that a therapist can provide perspectives and possibilities at times when we struggle to come up with our own.  I find, sometimes, that just the act of exploring a possibility helps to relieve depression. Sometimes just knowing that there might be an alternative is a huge help.  It is so easy to get caught up in what is going on in our minds that we believe it to be Truth rather than a perspective or a temporary situation.

How can we regain a sense of curiosity and possibility?  Sometimes it helps to engage in something you used to do as a child (playing a game, coloring, singing songs, playing with Play Doh) when you used to have more flexibility in your mind.  Sometimes it helps to take a class, academic or otherwise, to utilize a different part of the brain.  Maybe you’ve always wanted to take acting classes or learn Chinese or swing dancing….  Getting out and getting active can help as well. When our bodies are moving, our brains start moving, too.  Spend time with other people, particularly kids, and look at how they see the world.  Sometimes even physically changing your perspective can help.  Get up high or down low. Go outside. Try some yoga.  Scribble on a paper for awhile, bake some meringues, or try knitting or crocheting.  None of these may sound appealing right now, but trying some of them may still help re-engage the part of your brain that finds possibilities and curiosity.

If, however, you find that you are still feeling stuck, I hope that you will come find me.  I love to use my curiosity with my clients and help them find new possibilities and perspectives.  Sometimes a change may truly do you good.  Alternatively, if you have found your creativity and have some ideas, I hope you will share them with me.  I am always open to learn. 

The Mighty Tidal Wave

Do you ever wonder if you make a difference? If your life has any meaning?  I wonder that sometimes.  When I was a child, I wanted to be someone people remembered.  I believed there was this one great history book, and I wanted to be in it.  We moved around a lot when I was a child, and I worried that people would forget me after we left.

Oddly enough, I moved into an occupation/avocation in which I rarely get to see the full impact of my relationship with people.   Rather than being a tidal wave that everyone notices and remembers, I have become more of a pebble in a bucket.  The change I help to facilitate is on a much smaller scale.  While I bring myself fully into the therapy room, the focus is not on me or on what I want but on my clients.  Rather than being the star, I am more of a behind the scenes sort of a person.  How do I make peace with this change in plans?

One of my favorite musicians, David LaMotte, wrote a song entitled, "Drops Like Me."  The song starts with a single drop of water and then goes on to describe what many drops together can do.  What I love about the song is the end of the chorus where he says, "We will roll on together til everyone can see that the mighty tidal wave is made of little bitty drops like me."  I am small but part of something mighty.

I am not alone but am surrounded by other "drops."  When I come together with a client, we become stronger together and can make amazing change.  The change often appears small and gradual, but then, the Grand Canyon used to be a lot shallower sometime ago.  I have learned to look for and appreciate small changes. I celebrate each time clients take a step.  Maybe they exercised. Maybe they asked for something they wanted. Maybe they brushed their teeth last night.  All of these things can represent the start of great things.

My clients, honestly, have become my heroes.  They live their lives, they keep persevering, and they have the courage to show up. I am honored to be with them. I am content not to be center stage because I have the joy of witnessing what they are able to do and watching their creativity and imagination come forth. The experience is awe-inspiring, and I am able to be a part.

I wonder what changes you are making in the world around you and in yourself.  When was the last time you looked for something positive to affirm in yourself? Have you tried something different lately?  Have you taken a moment to be gentle with yourself or to give yourself grace?

Recovery is not a tidal wave. It is a series of choices, one at a time, that ultimately engrave new rivers  and canyons in the ground.  The goal is not to become perfect all at once but to make the best decision you can at any given moment.  Over time, it can be fascinating to see the lengths and patterns you have made that you might never have noticed.  It all starts, however, with one drop. Do not underestimate yourself or the power that you have to make a difference.  You, too, are part of the "mighty tidal wave."  If you need some help charting your course or making sense of your journey, however, I hope you will find me. I would be happy to join with you in creating your mark on this earth.