The Importance of Right Now

This is a theme I have touched on before, but I find it is relevant again. As much as I might need a good thought on the evils of procrastination, this is not about that.  This is more about the importance of perspective.

There have been a number of changes and transitions in my life lately, some of which were anticipated, and some of which I did not see coming.  Where I have had some clients leave therapy because the time was right to do so, I have had others who have stopped for other reasons. I expected to need a dental cleaning but not to have a crown fall out.  Life, I guess, is like that sometimes.

In those moments when I start feeling overwhelmed and chasing multiple rabbits down multiple holes, it is difficult to maintain a sense of perspective.  It seems like, however life is at any point, it will always be that way. This is great when things are going well, and we can feel optimistic. When things are not going well, time seems to slow down and illuminate problems in technicolor. Depression, in particular, is excellent at making painful moments feel like forever.

Aaron Beck, founder of a school of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT), described a "cognitive triad" or "negative triad" of thoughts that occur in depression.  Casually phrased, the triad  of thoughts says, "I'm terrible, the world is terrible, and things will always be terrible."  While I'm not altogether sold on CBT, I think Beck nailed those thought processes.  When we are down in the pit of depression, it can seem impossible that there could be a way out or that we deserve one if we can find it.

I remember a few years ago being afraid that my life would be either staying at a job that was horrible for me or having to go back to retail for a living because things would only get worse.  Now, two years into starting my own private practice, I have a job I love that mostly pays the bills.  When the census drops or when financial stressors pop up, it can be hard to trust that things will rebound or that life will get better.  Experience, however, has shown that things generally do get better... perhaps not on my preferred timeline or in the manner that I would expect, but I have never yet lived in the pit forever.  This goes back to that old %100 success rate of surviving everything life has thrown at us so far.  We've all done it.

So, what do we do in times when we are overwhelmed, depressed, and scared? First, we can try to be grateful for what we do have.  I have a home I'm not going to lose, I have a loving husband and two amazing children, and I have a job that I truly enjoy. Being grateful doesn't mean we can't be sad, but it does help us remember that we are not without resources.  Second, we can try to show compassion toward others.  Recently, I've been listening to The Book Of Joy, written about a week-long meeting between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu in which they discussed what joy is and how joy can be attained. In that book, both of those wise men discuss the power of showing compassion to others.  When we feel compassion, we recognize our connectedness and feel less alone.  It's not about looking at others and being grateful that we are not in their place (this is not connection but separation) but rather recognizing that all suffer and that we are all human beings together. Third, we can practice whatever basic self-care we can: eating healthful meals, sleeping, exercising, spending time in the presence of safe others, etc.  One of my favorite self-care activities is snuggling -- with my husband, my children, my cat... Safe physical contact is a great healer.

All of us get in spaces where we feel trapped.  Sometimes, that trap is in our own minds. One of my favorite maxims is to "keep your perspective in perspective."  When I am aware that I am depressed, I am also aware that my perspective is off and that I am likely less able to see positive things, be creative, or think clearly.  In those times, I try to practice the above and reach out to my support system as I am able.  If you find yourself feeling trapped, I hope the above is useful to you. If it's not enough or if you just want another connection point, I hope you will come find me. Then, the two of us can walk your path together. We'll start where you are right now and move into whatever comes next.

Hope Grows is Changing Gardens!

Hi, All.

Due to lease changes, Hope Grows Counseling, LLC is moving to a new location effective March 1, 2017.  The new location will be:

5555 Glenridge Connector
Suite 200
Atlanta, GA 30342

Phone number and e-mail contact information will stay the same.  I am currently working with insurance companies to ensure a smooth transition. I look forward to continuing the work I love in my new space.  Feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns.

Thanks!

The Power of Intention

So, I've been quiet on here for awhile, and somehow we are almost done with the first month of the New Year.  A new president was inaugurated sometime in the last hour, and we are all waiting to see what will come next.  Many of us have also been thinking about resolutions for the year and setting goals for what we would like to achieve.  It's funny how easily, I think, we tend to dismiss the worth of the plans we make at these times or the effort of making the plan.  How often do you hear someone remark that politicians never keep their promises? How often do we laugh and joke about violating our New Year's Resolutions the next day or the next week? "My New Year's Resolution is not to make any more New Year's Resolutions. Ha, ha!"  While I think it is true that we often do not follow through on those goals, and despite what has often been said about the "road to hell," I think intention has great value.

When people ask me about the value of therapy, I think many of them expect me to elaborate on the relief of depression or anxiety, the improvement of relationships, or the increased capacity to manage stress.  While I believe all of these are definitive and worthy benefits of therapy, I find that I tend to focus on a different aspect -- living life with intention.  Many of us live life essentially on auto-pilot.  We do the same things we've always done and expect that life will generally stay the same. People may come and go, we may change jobs, and the weather may become interesting from time to time, but life in general will be predictable.  The sun will rise in the east, my five-year-old will plunder the refrigerator for fruit any and every time he is hungry, and traffic will be generally miserable in Atlanta at 5:00 on Wednesday.  After awhile, we stop paying attention to our lives, ourselves, each other, and the world around us.

One of the core benefits of therapy is that it shakes us out of our complacence.  We start to look at what we are doing, what and who is around us, and how we respond to all of that.  We start to explore who we really are, what we really need, and what we really want.  So much of our reality is taught to us: what to attend to,  how to respond to pain in others and ourselves, what to value, what to ignore, what to expect of ourselves and others, what our worth is.... Much of this is not verbally expressed but is learned through interaction and implication. One of the beauties of therapy is that it helps us to stop and evaluate for ourselves the lessons we have learned and whether or not those lessons hold true. We learn to explore and trust ourselves.

From that exploration and trust, we can then develop true intention.  When I know who I am and what I value, I can make decisions about what is best for me and how and what I want to share with the world. I am no longer a passive recipient of what others tell me or what I expect to see, but I am open and curious and attentive. My world, both internal and external, becomes alive for me and I engage with it in new ways that create strong and impactful meaning.   I am aware of the choices I am making and why and how I anticipate those will affect others around me.

Therapy is not about changing who you are but connecting with and becoming more fully who you are.  Depression, anxiety, relationship problems and life stressors can all complicate or obscure our self-awareness and sense of empowerment, and as we resolve those issues, we likewise become more intentional. Intention gives us a sense of direction and a motivation to stay open and aware.  I wonder how much longer our resolutions would last if we had more self-awareness?  We all slip back into old patterns and Auto-Pilot from time to time, but trying to live with intention helps us to do so less often and for shorter periods of time.

Self-awareness can start with practices of mindfulness - focusing on awareness without judgment. Paying attention to physical sensations is often a good point of departure. What do I notice in my body and where? Where do I feel pain or tension? Where do I feel relaxed? Is there a pattern to when I feel tension or relaxation? What can I do that changes that?  What message does this pain/tension/stress have for me?

We can also practice mindfulness of our environment.  What does the space you are in look like? What do you see around you?  What do you hear immediately around you? What do you hear that is further away? If you are quiet, do you hear something you hadn't noticed before?  What do you smell? Does that smell have undertones you recognize? Do you have a taste in your mouth? What are your hands touching? What does that feel like? What does the floor/ground feel like if you stomp on it? How does your body feel where you are sitting/standing/lying down? What is it like to focus on the here and now? How is your body responding to that?

There are many other practices that can help develop awareness. In therapy we also look at emotional awareness and engagement. We look at family history and relationships and the messages that were passed down in the family.  We look at life experiences and how we interpret and respond to those.  As we look at those things, we develop a sense of self that can lead to a sense of intention.

Who are you? What do you value in yourself? Others? The world?  What gives you confidence? What creates fear? What and whom do you trust? How do you decide?  All of these are difficult questions, but, I think, worthy of exploration.  If you would like some help in finding your answers to your questions, I hope you will find me. It is my intent to help my clients connect with themselves in such a way as to be able to live in intention.  I may not always succeed, but it gives me a framework and a path to act on what I value.  I wish for you to be able to find the same for yourself.

Hope Grows on the (Internet) Radio

Hi, All.

So, by some odd sequence of events, I will be the featured guest on Professionals Radio.com. tomorrow, 11/29/2016 at 10:28 in the morning EST.  It's an odd time, right?  Anyway, if you want to listen in, you can go to http://professionalsradio.com/listen-live-studio-2/ or http://tunein.com/radio/PRN-FM-2-s274393/.  For those of you I haven't met, you have a chance to hear me being me (as best I can in an interview). For those of you I have, you maybe will get to hear a part of my story you haven't.  I hope you are well, and I look forward to speaking to you tomorrow!

"A Change Gon' Come" : Thoughts on Choice and Responsibility

As we all know, Americans made some significant choices yesterday. For better, worse, or otherwise, elections are over and winners have been chosen.  Whatever my own leanings might be, I believe we need to respect the process we chose and the people we elected.  For many of us, however, we have some discomfort about what has happened, and I think this is reasonable.

Many people struggle with a sense that they, and their votes, are insignificant.  How much does it matter what I vote if I am a democrat voting in a traditionally republican state? How much does what I believe change anything?  How did we end up with these two people on the ballot when people keep saying they don't trust either one?

On a more personal level, we ask the same questions. If I matter so much, how come my own parents didn't see me?  Why can't I find a job/friend/date/spouse that shares my values? Nobody will listen if I say no, so why should I bother?

Many of these questions are hard to answer.  I'm not sure why the system works as it does, except to say that systems exist to keep systems existing and not to make the parts happy.  There's a lot of doing the same things we have always done and hoping for different results this time.

I think as a nation and as people, we have to be more responsible for ourselves.  Perhaps we depend too much on the response of others or on our leaders to define us and to determine what is acceptable.  When I say responsibility, I refer less to blame and more to empowerment. I believe that individual choice can be powerful.

For me, I choose to look at differences as uniqueness rather than threat.  I like to learn about people and what makes them who they are.  We need variety and change in the world to keep us healthy and growing. Somebody has to think about things differently, or we become stagnant.  What do I do, then, if the leadership in the country seems to list to the side of intolerance or fear?

My job, then, is to live in tolerance and curiosity. In my own life, I have conquered fear much more by getting to know people I didn't understand than by avoiding them.  During the debates, when they were discussing what to do about racial issues, the focus seemed to be on increasing power in those whose job it is to protect and defend.  My wish would be that the police and the families hurt in those devastated areas could work together to rebuild both the neighborhoods and the trust that was lost.  I think communication is a powerful tool and our best ally.

At a recent training I attended, the facilitator was talking about how the military used to have problems getting soldiers to fight because they would look across the line and see just another teenager/young man, and this made the opponents too similar to themselves to attack.  As people, we are not designed to attack and harm each other.  For this to happen, propaganda became necessary.  For us to attack each other, we have to be taught to believe that the other is a threat or is less than.  It would seem, then, that the best way to counter this teaching is to connect and to get to know others.

I love my job because I do get to connect to others.  I am no MLK or Ghandi or Mother Teresa.  I doubt I will be nominated for sainthood or start a movement that will change the world.  What I can do is make changes in the world around me.  I can provide encouragement and empowerment.  I can choose to be thoughtful about the words I use and the jokes I make.  I can focus on changing fear and anger to curiosity.

I love my country, and I am privileged to live here with the rights and freedoms that were afforded me simply because I was born here.  I didn't have to fight/bleed/die for these freedoms, and I did not have to go through the pain and fear of leaving another country in hopes of finding solace, safety, or a better life.  I live with much fortune that I have not earned. Still, I have responsibility.

I choose to learn about others and try to understand their perspectives. I choose to support others in doing what they believe is right, provided they do not harm themselves or others.  I choose to spend my time empowering and uplifting others rather than attempting to judge or manipulate them.  I believe people are designed to connect and to want what is best for those with whom they are connected.  The more we can connect, the less we will harm others, intentionally or otherwise.

Similarly, the more we connect with ourselves, the less we will harm ourselves, intentionally or otherwise.  When we can approach ourselves with curiosity rather than fear or hatred, we can learn valuable information and make better decisions. When we truly see and value ourselves, it is easier to stand up for what we believe is good and right.

I hope, when you look at yourself, you are able to explore your strengths as well as your weaknesses.  I hope you can see your value and your uniqueness.  I hope you can choose to advocate for yourself and act on what you believe is right without harming yourself or others in the process.  I hope you will choose to connect rather than isolating or attacking. If you have trouble connecting with yourself or finding connection with others, I hope you will find me. I am not the right connection for everyone, but I would like to help if I could.

I hope future generations and other countries will not judge us by the choices our government makes but by the positive choices that individuals make, whether or not they align with the current government vision.  I believe that I can facilitate change in my little corner of the world by acting on my beliefs and convictions and by supporting others in theirs.  I wish for you that same sense of empowerment.  I believe you can do it.

Who Am I: The Problem With Self-Definition

I find myself thinking a lot lately about who I am and what determines how I answer that question.  On the face of things, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a therapist, an American, a human, a female.... None of that seems overly descriptive. I am also a person who has an underactive thyroid and a set of sinuses that appear to have some sort of vendetta. What does that say about me?  I am also a person who struggles with depression and anxiety and the attending issues of self-esteem, motivation, and self-confidence.

Interesting, isn't it, that I find myself the most anxious about the last sentence?  Why is it that, of all the characteristics listed above, my mental health issues are somehow more shameful?  In general, I am pretty open with my clients that I have dealt with these issues, but I think I still fear that I will be judged and seen as less capable, less stable, or less trustworthy.

It seems funny that we are quick to define ourselves by those labels. People will introduce themselves to me and say "I'm bipolar" or "I'm ADHD."  While I understand their meaning, I find it interesting that people never walk up and say, "I'm diabetes" or "I'm intestinal cancer."  We would think it really strange if someone did, but yet we don't think twice when people identify themselves by their mental illness.  People in the therapy world tend to focus on "person-first" language. That is, you are not bipolar; rather, you are a person who is dealing with bipolar disorder.  You are not ADHD. You are a person who struggles with focus, prioritization, and task completion.  It may sound like silly semantics, but it makes a difference.

I think, because mental illness affects thinking, mood, and functioning, it feels like it changes who we are. I believe it does not change who we are, but it may inhibit our access to the parts of ourselves that we prefer. It is, however, something that occurs because of something we are dealing with medically, not just something "in our heads."  Just because I can't find PTSD on an x-ray doesn't mean it is any less valid than a broken leg.  We expect people, however,  just to "get over" their mental health issues. Have you ever told anyone to "get over" their high blood pressure?  Probably not. I try to describe mental health issues as defining what you deal with rather than who you are.  Depression does not care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Athiest, Hindu, or Agnostic.  Schizophrenia does not care what financial class you represent or how many volunteer hours you put in last quarter.  Addiction does not care what language you speak. These things happen to people of every description all over the world.

So, if I do not define myself by my mental health, how do I define myself? I guess I define myself by what I care about and what I am willing to do about what I care about. I define myself by my interests, my talents, and my quirks.  I define myself by my morals and my values.  I love people, and I enjoy helping them learn to see and appreciate themselves differently.  I enjoy reading, writing, cooking, and swing-dancing. I love words, ideas, metaphor, and philosophy.  I am great at starting projects and not so good about finishing them.  I am remarkably unathletic and out of shape and, unfortunately, very messy at home. I have a dry sense of humor but I hate being made to laugh when I am not in the mood.  I try never to hurt people unnecessarily, I try to be authentic, and I try to leave people and places in a better state than they were when I encountered them.

All of these things are true about me more or less no matter where I am or who I am with.  When I am feeling more depressed and anxious, some of those things are harder to acknowledge or connect with, but they are still me. It is hard not to define myself by others' perceptions and expectations, but if I am to be authentic, I have to be true to myself.

Who might you see yourself to be if you did not evaluate yourself by your situation or your struggles? What can you hold on to about yourself even when things appear bleak or hopeless? We all need support and reassurance, and there is no shame in that. We can all lose our way when times get difficult.  I encourage you, however, to try to take a different view of yourself than just what you are experiencing now.  If you struggle with that, I hope you will come find me.  I'd love to help you reconnect with you.

The Purpose of the Pain

Most of my clients know that I hate exercising.  Let me be clear -- I love the idea of exercising. I know the benefits, and I hear tell that the endorphins are amazing.  Exercise and I, however, do not get along.  I refer to myself as having all the coordination of a three-legged elephant with a short leg. Think about it... get the visual... let it sink in.  See? Not pleasant.  I am, in fact, so uncoordinated that I was pulled out of regular classes in elementary school and put in remedial P.E.  I bet most of you didn't know that existed.  I have the report cards to prove it.

Anyway,  I was running with my daughter in her stroller today, and somehow the weight was wrong.  The stroller sank backwards, and I went flying.  Don't worry.  My daughter was fine. She was buckled in with a five-point harness and just ended up looking at the sky. Me? I scratched up my left hand a bit and bunged up both knees (poor knees).  Fortunately, I was wearing pants, so I did not donate as much skin and blood as I might have.  I managed to get the both of us home (slowly) and made a date with my old friends Bactine and Band-Aid.  I'm fine.  More bruised dignity than anything else... But there was a bit of pain, to be sure.

One of the biggest issues my clients face with me is why their pain must be there and why they can't just ignore it. It is unpleasant, disruptive, distracting, and overwhelming.  Why must it be part of life? Why can't we just shove it away and ignore it?

People attempt to avoid pain in various ways.  We rationalize, we distract, we tell ourselves it doesn't exist and/or we don't have time to deal with it right now.  Some of us drink, use drugs, or engage in other addictive behaviors.  Those who have been through traumatic experiences may cope by avoidance of triggers or by dissociating to some extent or the other.  We go to great lengths to avoid pain.

There is a medical condition known by various terms, including "Congenital Analgesia" and "Congenital Insensitivity to Pain."  What does this mean?  These people physically do not experience pain.  At first, this seems like a great way to live. Wow! No pain! No headaches, no earaches, no toothaches, no gas pains. no arthritis pain... It sounds like a dream.  But wait....

What would happen if you had a nail stuck in your foot and didn't notice? What if your appendix were rupturing? What if you had a massive infection and couldn't feel it?  Does that change your opinion of this diagnosis?

People with CIP must be vigilant.  They must check themselves constantly for injuries, from their gums to their toes.  They can't feel the pain from a fever, either, so they have to check their temperatures regularly. They can't detect temperature,  so they can scald themselves with their food or experience frostbite with no knowledge.  Their bodies don't detect temperature problems, so they don't sweat or shiver.  In essence, they are limited in their ability to recognize problems and to manage them in the natural ways most of us are able to do.

Similarly, emotional pain is also necessary.  The pain draws attention to things we need to address to stay healthy and make wise decisions.  If we did not feel emotional pain, we might stay in abusive relationships, harm others, and limit our own growth.  If we do not have discomfort, we do not make change.  Pain can let us know that we have lost something we value. Pain can alert us that we are not safe in a particular situation. Pain can show us that we are growing. Pain can inform us that we need to change something.  Pain is an invaluable resource of information.

That said, I think there needs to be a balance.  I am a believer in Tylenol, Advil, and Aspirin in moderation.  Next time I need a root canal, I will certainly opt for the Novocain.  If I need my appendix removed, I will expect and accept anesthesia.  Pain for the sake of pain is not healthy for anyone.

We don't have to live in the pain all the time.  If I am having an appendectomy, I would rather my surgeon not choose that time to give in to her grief in losing her mother. I don't want my Uber driver chasing another car with road rage for cutting him off in traffic.  If I am with a client, this is not the time for me to engage in my personal pain in whatever area of my life.  Those are appropriate times to put the pain to the side for a time and focus on something else.  If I can't put aside my pain, I need not to be seeing clients until I am in a better place.

When painful feelings come, however, the best option, usually, is to let the feeling be there. You likely won't need a canoe and oars to get out of the house if you let yourself cry.  Feeling anger doesn't mean you are going to burn the house down or kill the neighbor's dog.  If you can allow the feeling to be there and get the message it is giving you, it will go away on its own.  Emotions are usually fairly simple.  When we shove them away or tell ourselves we can't feel them, that's when things get complicated.

Instead of simply feeling sad, we add in guilt for being "weak," then we get mad at ourselves for beating ourselves up, then we criticize ourselves for being so messed up and for being such a burden on others, and then we can decide that we must be totally useless and take up too much space in the world.  That sure is a lot of stress to evolve from a simple feeling of sadness.  Wouldn't it just be easier to allow the sadness and accept that the sadness is there to help us recognize what is important to us?  It seems so to me. Emotions repressed or suppressed over a long period of time can lead to depression and anxiety.

We are designed to experience pain so that we can address problems when they come up.  Similarly, a lack of pain can help us recognize that we are safe to go on with what we are doing.  The experience of pain is subjective for each of us, and only you know when the pain is tolerable for you and when you need to stop or need assistance.  If we can accept pain as a messenger, then we can accept ourselves with that pain.

Someone with CIP who had my accident today might have significant issues that they were unaware of without the pain.  There might be infection, muscle damage, or even a broken bone that went unnoticed by them.  Fortunately, I experience pain, and I was able to recognize that I was healthy enough to walk home, practice a little first aid, and nurse my bruised dignity.

Next time you have an unpleasant feeling, try letting it be there and see what it has to tell you. You may be surprised how it resolves itself.  If the pain is too much or you are too scared to feel it, I hope you will come find me. We will work together to make it safer for you.  Be good to you...