So, by some odd sequence of events, I will be the featured guest on Professionals Radio.com. tomorrow, 11/29/2016 at 10:28 in the morning EST. It's an odd time, right? Anyway, if you want to listen in, you can go to http://professionalsradio.com/
Monday, November 28, 2016
Hope Grows on the (Internet) Radio
Hi, All.
So, by some odd sequence of events, I will be the featured guest on Professionals Radio.com. tomorrow, 11/29/2016 at 10:28 in the morning EST. It's an odd time, right? Anyway, if you want to listen in, you can go to http://professionalsradio.com/
So, by some odd sequence of events, I will be the featured guest on Professionals Radio.com. tomorrow, 11/29/2016 at 10:28 in the morning EST. It's an odd time, right? Anyway, if you want to listen in, you can go to http://professionalsradio.com/
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
"A Change Gon' Come" : Thoughts on Choice and Responsibility
As we all know, Americans made some significant choices yesterday. For better, worse, or otherwise, elections are over and winners have been chosen. Whatever my own leanings might be, I believe we need to respect the process we chose and the people we elected. For many of us, however, we have some discomfort about what has happened, and I think this is reasonable.
Many people struggle with a sense that they, and their votes, are insignificant. How much does it matter what I vote if I am a democrat voting in a traditionally republican state? How much does what I believe change anything? How did we end up with these two people on the ballot when people keep saying they don't trust either one?
On a more personal level, we ask the same questions. If I matter so much, how come my own parents didn't see me? Why can't I find a job/friend/date/spouse that shares my values? Nobody will listen if I say no, so why should I bother?
Many of these questions are hard to answer. I'm not sure why the system works as it does, except to say that systems exist to keep systems existing and not to make the parts happy. There's a lot of doing the same things we have always done and hoping for different results this time.
I think as a nation and as people, we have to be more responsible for ourselves. Perhaps we depend too much on the response of others or on our leaders to define us and to determine what is acceptable. When I say responsibility, I refer less to blame and more to empowerment. I believe that individual choice can be powerful.
For me, I choose to look at differences as uniqueness rather than threat. I like to learn about people and what makes them who they are. We need variety and change in the world to keep us healthy and growing. Somebody has to think about things differently, or we become stagnant. What do I do, then, if the leadership in the country seems to list to the side of intolerance or fear?
My job, then, is to live in tolerance and curiosity. In my own life, I have conquered fear much more by getting to know people I didn't understand than by avoiding them. During the debates, when they were discussing what to do about racial issues, the focus seemed to be on increasing power in those whose job it is to protect and defend. My wish would be that the police and the families hurt in those devastated areas could work together to rebuild both the neighborhoods and the trust that was lost. I think communication is a powerful tool and our best ally.
At a recent training I attended, the facilitator was talking about how the military used to have problems getting soldiers to fight because they would look across the line and see just another teenager/young man, and this made the opponents too similar to themselves to attack. As people, we are not designed to attack and harm each other. For this to happen, propaganda became necessary. For us to attack each other, we have to be taught to believe that the other is a threat or is less than. It would seem, then, that the best way to counter this teaching is to connect and to get to know others.
I love my job because I do get to connect to others. I am no MLK or Ghandi or Mother Teresa. I doubt I will be nominated for sainthood or start a movement that will change the world. What I can do is make changes in the world around me. I can provide encouragement and empowerment. I can choose to be thoughtful about the words I use and the jokes I make. I can focus on changing fear and anger to curiosity.
I love my country, and I am privileged to live here with the rights and freedoms that were afforded me simply because I was born here. I didn't have to fight/bleed/die for these freedoms, and I did not have to go through the pain and fear of leaving another country in hopes of finding solace, safety, or a better life. I live with much fortune that I have not earned. Still, I have responsibility.
I choose to learn about others and try to understand their perspectives. I choose to support others in doing what they believe is right, provided they do not harm themselves or others. I choose to spend my time empowering and uplifting others rather than attempting to judge or manipulate them. I believe people are designed to connect and to want what is best for those with whom they are connected. The more we can connect, the less we will harm others, intentionally or otherwise.
Similarly, the more we connect with ourselves, the less we will harm ourselves, intentionally or otherwise. When we can approach ourselves with curiosity rather than fear or hatred, we can learn valuable information and make better decisions. When we truly see and value ourselves, it is easier to stand up for what we believe is good and right.
I hope, when you look at yourself, you are able to explore your strengths as well as your weaknesses. I hope you can see your value and your uniqueness. I hope you can choose to advocate for yourself and act on what you believe is right without harming yourself or others in the process. I hope you will choose to connect rather than isolating or attacking. If you have trouble connecting with yourself or finding connection with others, I hope you will find me. I am not the right connection for everyone, but I would like to help if I could.
I hope future generations and other countries will not judge us by the choices our government makes but by the positive choices that individuals make, whether or not they align with the current government vision. I believe that I can facilitate change in my little corner of the world by acting on my beliefs and convictions and by supporting others in theirs. I wish for you that same sense of empowerment. I believe you can do it.
Many people struggle with a sense that they, and their votes, are insignificant. How much does it matter what I vote if I am a democrat voting in a traditionally republican state? How much does what I believe change anything? How did we end up with these two people on the ballot when people keep saying they don't trust either one?
On a more personal level, we ask the same questions. If I matter so much, how come my own parents didn't see me? Why can't I find a job/friend/date/spouse that shares my values? Nobody will listen if I say no, so why should I bother?
Many of these questions are hard to answer. I'm not sure why the system works as it does, except to say that systems exist to keep systems existing and not to make the parts happy. There's a lot of doing the same things we have always done and hoping for different results this time.
I think as a nation and as people, we have to be more responsible for ourselves. Perhaps we depend too much on the response of others or on our leaders to define us and to determine what is acceptable. When I say responsibility, I refer less to blame and more to empowerment. I believe that individual choice can be powerful.
For me, I choose to look at differences as uniqueness rather than threat. I like to learn about people and what makes them who they are. We need variety and change in the world to keep us healthy and growing. Somebody has to think about things differently, or we become stagnant. What do I do, then, if the leadership in the country seems to list to the side of intolerance or fear?
My job, then, is to live in tolerance and curiosity. In my own life, I have conquered fear much more by getting to know people I didn't understand than by avoiding them. During the debates, when they were discussing what to do about racial issues, the focus seemed to be on increasing power in those whose job it is to protect and defend. My wish would be that the police and the families hurt in those devastated areas could work together to rebuild both the neighborhoods and the trust that was lost. I think communication is a powerful tool and our best ally.
At a recent training I attended, the facilitator was talking about how the military used to have problems getting soldiers to fight because they would look across the line and see just another teenager/young man, and this made the opponents too similar to themselves to attack. As people, we are not designed to attack and harm each other. For this to happen, propaganda became necessary. For us to attack each other, we have to be taught to believe that the other is a threat or is less than. It would seem, then, that the best way to counter this teaching is to connect and to get to know others.
I love my job because I do get to connect to others. I am no MLK or Ghandi or Mother Teresa. I doubt I will be nominated for sainthood or start a movement that will change the world. What I can do is make changes in the world around me. I can provide encouragement and empowerment. I can choose to be thoughtful about the words I use and the jokes I make. I can focus on changing fear and anger to curiosity.
I love my country, and I am privileged to live here with the rights and freedoms that were afforded me simply because I was born here. I didn't have to fight/bleed/die for these freedoms, and I did not have to go through the pain and fear of leaving another country in hopes of finding solace, safety, or a better life. I live with much fortune that I have not earned. Still, I have responsibility.
I choose to learn about others and try to understand their perspectives. I choose to support others in doing what they believe is right, provided they do not harm themselves or others. I choose to spend my time empowering and uplifting others rather than attempting to judge or manipulate them. I believe people are designed to connect and to want what is best for those with whom they are connected. The more we can connect, the less we will harm others, intentionally or otherwise.
Similarly, the more we connect with ourselves, the less we will harm ourselves, intentionally or otherwise. When we can approach ourselves with curiosity rather than fear or hatred, we can learn valuable information and make better decisions. When we truly see and value ourselves, it is easier to stand up for what we believe is good and right.
I hope, when you look at yourself, you are able to explore your strengths as well as your weaknesses. I hope you can see your value and your uniqueness. I hope you can choose to advocate for yourself and act on what you believe is right without harming yourself or others in the process. I hope you will choose to connect rather than isolating or attacking. If you have trouble connecting with yourself or finding connection with others, I hope you will find me. I am not the right connection for everyone, but I would like to help if I could.
I hope future generations and other countries will not judge us by the choices our government makes but by the positive choices that individuals make, whether or not they align with the current government vision. I believe that I can facilitate change in my little corner of the world by acting on my beliefs and convictions and by supporting others in theirs. I wish for you that same sense of empowerment. I believe you can do it.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Who Am I: The Problem With Self-Definition
I find myself thinking a lot lately about who I am and what determines how I answer that question. On the face of things, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a therapist, an American, a human, a female.... None of that seems overly descriptive. I am also a person who has an underactive thyroid and a set of sinuses that appear to have some sort of vendetta. What does that say about me? I am also a person who struggles with depression and anxiety and the attending issues of self-esteem, motivation, and self-confidence.
Interesting, isn't it, that I find myself the most anxious about the last sentence? Why is it that, of all the characteristics listed above, my mental health issues are somehow more shameful? In general, I am pretty open with my clients that I have dealt with these issues, but I think I still fear that I will be judged and seen as less capable, less stable, or less trustworthy.
It seems funny that we are quick to define ourselves by those labels. People will introduce themselves to me and say "I'm bipolar" or "I'm ADHD." While I understand their meaning, I find it interesting that people never walk up and say, "I'm diabetes" or "I'm intestinal cancer." We would think it really strange if someone did, but yet we don't think twice when people identify themselves by their mental illness. People in the therapy world tend to focus on "person-first" language. That is, you are not bipolar; rather, you are a person who is dealing with bipolar disorder. You are not ADHD. You are a person who struggles with focus, prioritization, and task completion. It may sound like silly semantics, but it makes a difference.
I think, because mental illness affects thinking, mood, and functioning, it feels like it changes who we are. I believe it does not change who we are, but it may inhibit our access to the parts of ourselves that we prefer. It is, however, something that occurs because of something we are dealing with medically, not just something "in our heads." Just because I can't find PTSD on an x-ray doesn't mean it is any less valid than a broken leg. We expect people, however, just to "get over" their mental health issues. Have you ever told anyone to "get over" their high blood pressure? Probably not. I try to describe mental health issues as defining what you deal with rather than who you are. Depression does not care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Athiest, Hindu, or Agnostic. Schizophrenia does not care what financial class you represent or how many volunteer hours you put in last quarter. Addiction does not care what language you speak. These things happen to people of every description all over the world.
So, if I do not define myself by my mental health, how do I define myself? I guess I define myself by what I care about and what I am willing to do about what I care about. I define myself by my interests, my talents, and my quirks. I define myself by my morals and my values. I love people, and I enjoy helping them learn to see and appreciate themselves differently. I enjoy reading, writing, cooking, and swing-dancing. I love words, ideas, metaphor, and philosophy. I am great at starting projects and not so good about finishing them. I am remarkably unathletic and out of shape and, unfortunately, very messy at home. I have a dry sense of humor but I hate being made to laugh when I am not in the mood. I try never to hurt people unnecessarily, I try to be authentic, and I try to leave people and places in a better state than they were when I encountered them.
All of these things are true about me more or less no matter where I am or who I am with. When I am feeling more depressed and anxious, some of those things are harder to acknowledge or connect with, but they are still me. It is hard not to define myself by others' perceptions and expectations, but if I am to be authentic, I have to be true to myself.
Who might you see yourself to be if you did not evaluate yourself by your situation or your struggles? What can you hold on to about yourself even when things appear bleak or hopeless? We all need support and reassurance, and there is no shame in that. We can all lose our way when times get difficult. I encourage you, however, to try to take a different view of yourself than just what you are experiencing now. If you struggle with that, I hope you will come find me. I'd love to help you reconnect with you.
Interesting, isn't it, that I find myself the most anxious about the last sentence? Why is it that, of all the characteristics listed above, my mental health issues are somehow more shameful? In general, I am pretty open with my clients that I have dealt with these issues, but I think I still fear that I will be judged and seen as less capable, less stable, or less trustworthy.
It seems funny that we are quick to define ourselves by those labels. People will introduce themselves to me and say "I'm bipolar" or "I'm ADHD." While I understand their meaning, I find it interesting that people never walk up and say, "I'm diabetes" or "I'm intestinal cancer." We would think it really strange if someone did, but yet we don't think twice when people identify themselves by their mental illness. People in the therapy world tend to focus on "person-first" language. That is, you are not bipolar; rather, you are a person who is dealing with bipolar disorder. You are not ADHD. You are a person who struggles with focus, prioritization, and task completion. It may sound like silly semantics, but it makes a difference.
I think, because mental illness affects thinking, mood, and functioning, it feels like it changes who we are. I believe it does not change who we are, but it may inhibit our access to the parts of ourselves that we prefer. It is, however, something that occurs because of something we are dealing with medically, not just something "in our heads." Just because I can't find PTSD on an x-ray doesn't mean it is any less valid than a broken leg. We expect people, however, just to "get over" their mental health issues. Have you ever told anyone to "get over" their high blood pressure? Probably not. I try to describe mental health issues as defining what you deal with rather than who you are. Depression does not care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Athiest, Hindu, or Agnostic. Schizophrenia does not care what financial class you represent or how many volunteer hours you put in last quarter. Addiction does not care what language you speak. These things happen to people of every description all over the world.
So, if I do not define myself by my mental health, how do I define myself? I guess I define myself by what I care about and what I am willing to do about what I care about. I define myself by my interests, my talents, and my quirks. I define myself by my morals and my values. I love people, and I enjoy helping them learn to see and appreciate themselves differently. I enjoy reading, writing, cooking, and swing-dancing. I love words, ideas, metaphor, and philosophy. I am great at starting projects and not so good about finishing them. I am remarkably unathletic and out of shape and, unfortunately, very messy at home. I have a dry sense of humor but I hate being made to laugh when I am not in the mood. I try never to hurt people unnecessarily, I try to be authentic, and I try to leave people and places in a better state than they were when I encountered them.
All of these things are true about me more or less no matter where I am or who I am with. When I am feeling more depressed and anxious, some of those things are harder to acknowledge or connect with, but they are still me. It is hard not to define myself by others' perceptions and expectations, but if I am to be authentic, I have to be true to myself.
Who might you see yourself to be if you did not evaluate yourself by your situation or your struggles? What can you hold on to about yourself even when things appear bleak or hopeless? We all need support and reassurance, and there is no shame in that. We can all lose our way when times get difficult. I encourage you, however, to try to take a different view of yourself than just what you are experiencing now. If you struggle with that, I hope you will come find me. I'd love to help you reconnect with you.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
The Purpose of the Pain
Most of my clients know that I hate exercising. Let me be clear -- I love the idea of exercising. I know the benefits, and I hear tell that the endorphins are amazing. Exercise and I, however, do not get along. I refer to myself as having all the coordination of a three-legged elephant with a short leg. Think about it... get the visual... let it sink in. See? Not pleasant. I am, in fact, so uncoordinated that I was pulled out of regular classes in elementary school and put in remedial P.E. I bet most of you didn't know that existed. I have the report cards to prove it.
Anyway, I was running with my daughter in her stroller today, and somehow the weight was wrong. The stroller sank backwards, and I went flying. Don't worry. My daughter was fine. She was buckled in with a five-point harness and just ended up looking at the sky. Me? I scratched up my left hand a bit and bunged up both knees (poor knees). Fortunately, I was wearing pants, so I did not donate as much skin and blood as I might have. I managed to get the both of us home (slowly) and made a date with my old friends Bactine and Band-Aid. I'm fine. More bruised dignity than anything else... But there was a bit of pain, to be sure.
One of the biggest issues my clients face with me is why their pain must be there and why they can't just ignore it. It is unpleasant, disruptive, distracting, and overwhelming. Why must it be part of life? Why can't we just shove it away and ignore it?
People attempt to avoid pain in various ways. We rationalize, we distract, we tell ourselves it doesn't exist and/or we don't have time to deal with it right now. Some of us drink, use drugs, or engage in other addictive behaviors. Those who have been through traumatic experiences may cope by avoidance of triggers or by dissociating to some extent or the other. We go to great lengths to avoid pain.
There is a medical condition known by various terms, including "Congenital Analgesia" and "Congenital Insensitivity to Pain." What does this mean? These people physically do not experience pain. At first, this seems like a great way to live. Wow! No pain! No headaches, no earaches, no toothaches, no gas pains. no arthritis pain... It sounds like a dream. But wait....
What would happen if you had a nail stuck in your foot and didn't notice? What if your appendix were rupturing? What if you had a massive infection and couldn't feel it? Does that change your opinion of this diagnosis?
People with CIP must be vigilant. They must check themselves constantly for injuries, from their gums to their toes. They can't feel the pain from a fever, either, so they have to check their temperatures regularly. They can't detect temperature, so they can scald themselves with their food or experience frostbite with no knowledge. Their bodies don't detect temperature problems, so they don't sweat or shiver. In essence, they are limited in their ability to recognize problems and to manage them in the natural ways most of us are able to do.
Similarly, emotional pain is also necessary. The pain draws attention to things we need to address to stay healthy and make wise decisions. If we did not feel emotional pain, we might stay in abusive relationships, harm others, and limit our own growth. If we do not have discomfort, we do not make change. Pain can let us know that we have lost something we value. Pain can alert us that we are not safe in a particular situation. Pain can show us that we are growing. Pain can inform us that we need to change something. Pain is an invaluable resource of information.
That said, I think there needs to be a balance. I am a believer in Tylenol, Advil, and Aspirin in moderation. Next time I need a root canal, I will certainly opt for the Novocain. If I need my appendix removed, I will expect and accept anesthesia. Pain for the sake of pain is not healthy for anyone.
We don't have to live in the pain all the time. If I am having an appendectomy, I would rather my surgeon not choose that time to give in to her grief in losing her mother. I don't want my Uber driver chasing another car with road rage for cutting him off in traffic. If I am with a client, this is not the time for me to engage in my personal pain in whatever area of my life. Those are appropriate times to put the pain to the side for a time and focus on something else. If I can't put aside my pain, I need not to be seeing clients until I am in a better place.
When painful feelings come, however, the best option, usually, is to let the feeling be there. You likely won't need a canoe and oars to get out of the house if you let yourself cry. Feeling anger doesn't mean you are going to burn the house down or kill the neighbor's dog. If you can allow the feeling to be there and get the message it is giving you, it will go away on its own. Emotions are usually fairly simple. When we shove them away or tell ourselves we can't feel them, that's when things get complicated.
Instead of simply feeling sad, we add in guilt for being "weak," then we get mad at ourselves for beating ourselves up, then we criticize ourselves for being so messed up and for being such a burden on others, and then we can decide that we must be totally useless and take up too much space in the world. That sure is a lot of stress to evolve from a simple feeling of sadness. Wouldn't it just be easier to allow the sadness and accept that the sadness is there to help us recognize what is important to us? It seems so to me. Emotions repressed or suppressed over a long period of time can lead to depression and anxiety.
We are designed to experience pain so that we can address problems when they come up. Similarly, a lack of pain can help us recognize that we are safe to go on with what we are doing. The experience of pain is subjective for each of us, and only you know when the pain is tolerable for you and when you need to stop or need assistance. If we can accept pain as a messenger, then we can accept ourselves with that pain.
Someone with CIP who had my accident today might have significant issues that they were unaware of without the pain. There might be infection, muscle damage, or even a broken bone that went unnoticed by them. Fortunately, I experience pain, and I was able to recognize that I was healthy enough to walk home, practice a little first aid, and nurse my bruised dignity.
Next time you have an unpleasant feeling, try letting it be there and see what it has to tell you. You may be surprised how it resolves itself. If the pain is too much or you are too scared to feel it, I hope you will come find me. We will work together to make it safer for you. Be good to you...
Anyway, I was running with my daughter in her stroller today, and somehow the weight was wrong. The stroller sank backwards, and I went flying. Don't worry. My daughter was fine. She was buckled in with a five-point harness and just ended up looking at the sky. Me? I scratched up my left hand a bit and bunged up both knees (poor knees). Fortunately, I was wearing pants, so I did not donate as much skin and blood as I might have. I managed to get the both of us home (slowly) and made a date with my old friends Bactine and Band-Aid. I'm fine. More bruised dignity than anything else... But there was a bit of pain, to be sure.
One of the biggest issues my clients face with me is why their pain must be there and why they can't just ignore it. It is unpleasant, disruptive, distracting, and overwhelming. Why must it be part of life? Why can't we just shove it away and ignore it?
People attempt to avoid pain in various ways. We rationalize, we distract, we tell ourselves it doesn't exist and/or we don't have time to deal with it right now. Some of us drink, use drugs, or engage in other addictive behaviors. Those who have been through traumatic experiences may cope by avoidance of triggers or by dissociating to some extent or the other. We go to great lengths to avoid pain.
There is a medical condition known by various terms, including "Congenital Analgesia" and "Congenital Insensitivity to Pain." What does this mean? These people physically do not experience pain. At first, this seems like a great way to live. Wow! No pain! No headaches, no earaches, no toothaches, no gas pains. no arthritis pain... It sounds like a dream. But wait....
What would happen if you had a nail stuck in your foot and didn't notice? What if your appendix were rupturing? What if you had a massive infection and couldn't feel it? Does that change your opinion of this diagnosis?
People with CIP must be vigilant. They must check themselves constantly for injuries, from their gums to their toes. They can't feel the pain from a fever, either, so they have to check their temperatures regularly. They can't detect temperature, so they can scald themselves with their food or experience frostbite with no knowledge. Their bodies don't detect temperature problems, so they don't sweat or shiver. In essence, they are limited in their ability to recognize problems and to manage them in the natural ways most of us are able to do.
Similarly, emotional pain is also necessary. The pain draws attention to things we need to address to stay healthy and make wise decisions. If we did not feel emotional pain, we might stay in abusive relationships, harm others, and limit our own growth. If we do not have discomfort, we do not make change. Pain can let us know that we have lost something we value. Pain can alert us that we are not safe in a particular situation. Pain can show us that we are growing. Pain can inform us that we need to change something. Pain is an invaluable resource of information.
That said, I think there needs to be a balance. I am a believer in Tylenol, Advil, and Aspirin in moderation. Next time I need a root canal, I will certainly opt for the Novocain. If I need my appendix removed, I will expect and accept anesthesia. Pain for the sake of pain is not healthy for anyone.
We don't have to live in the pain all the time. If I am having an appendectomy, I would rather my surgeon not choose that time to give in to her grief in losing her mother. I don't want my Uber driver chasing another car with road rage for cutting him off in traffic. If I am with a client, this is not the time for me to engage in my personal pain in whatever area of my life. Those are appropriate times to put the pain to the side for a time and focus on something else. If I can't put aside my pain, I need not to be seeing clients until I am in a better place.
When painful feelings come, however, the best option, usually, is to let the feeling be there. You likely won't need a canoe and oars to get out of the house if you let yourself cry. Feeling anger doesn't mean you are going to burn the house down or kill the neighbor's dog. If you can allow the feeling to be there and get the message it is giving you, it will go away on its own. Emotions are usually fairly simple. When we shove them away or tell ourselves we can't feel them, that's when things get complicated.
Instead of simply feeling sad, we add in guilt for being "weak," then we get mad at ourselves for beating ourselves up, then we criticize ourselves for being so messed up and for being such a burden on others, and then we can decide that we must be totally useless and take up too much space in the world. That sure is a lot of stress to evolve from a simple feeling of sadness. Wouldn't it just be easier to allow the sadness and accept that the sadness is there to help us recognize what is important to us? It seems so to me. Emotions repressed or suppressed over a long period of time can lead to depression and anxiety.
We are designed to experience pain so that we can address problems when they come up. Similarly, a lack of pain can help us recognize that we are safe to go on with what we are doing. The experience of pain is subjective for each of us, and only you know when the pain is tolerable for you and when you need to stop or need assistance. If we can accept pain as a messenger, then we can accept ourselves with that pain.
Someone with CIP who had my accident today might have significant issues that they were unaware of without the pain. There might be infection, muscle damage, or even a broken bone that went unnoticed by them. Fortunately, I experience pain, and I was able to recognize that I was healthy enough to walk home, practice a little first aid, and nurse my bruised dignity.
Next time you have an unpleasant feeling, try letting it be there and see what it has to tell you. You may be surprised how it resolves itself. If the pain is too much or you are too scared to feel it, I hope you will come find me. We will work together to make it safer for you. Be good to you...
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Gathering Rosebuds, Making Hay, Taking Paychecks, Etc.
I was reflecting yesterday that the last week and a half have been really positive for me. Several clients have reflected with me about the progress they've made and how happy and proud they are of their work. I cannot take responsibility for their progress, but I know I have been part of it and I am always excited to see my clients start to feel good about themselves and to feel that they have the potential to make the changes they need. My work is rewarding in itself, but it is always amazing when clients are able to see their own strengths and tell me about them.
Furthermore, I am getting some new clients, thus alleviating some of the anxiety in the previous post. My kids are adjusting to their new school situations, and we may be seeing the end of diapers in our near future. The kids are healthy for the moment, and we are starting to find a rhythm. The temperature has dropped a little outside, and it begins to seem that we can breathe a little. How nice it is to have such a pleasant patch of time.
Unfortunately, like many people, I struggle just to sit and enjoy the moment. My mind jumps to what will happen if someone gets sick, if my client load drops, if scheduling decreases, if my car needs some kind of repair.... You get the idea. The fact is that any of those things could happen at any time. Nothing is guaranteed except change, and change is not always what we expect. I am all for positive thinking (and hope, clearly), but I also believe that we have to be honest with ourselves. Nothing we can do can prevent bad things from happening sooner or later. We simply do not have that level of control.
So, what do we do when we don't have control? We take control of what we can manage. We pay attention to eating healthier foods, drinking water, getting rest, getting exercise, spending time with loved ones... As one of my previous clients liked to say, "Start with the basics." We can also choose what we tell ourselves about what is happening and how we respond to those things, but that is a different post. What else can we do?
I encourage people to allow themselves to enjoy the happier times. Many clients have told me that they were afraid to be happy because the depression would hurt that much more when it came back. I tend to liken this to refusing to take a paycheck because I might have bills next week. Yes, it hurts when depression comes back, but enjoying the happy times is like putting money in the bank so that you can have a better chance of handling the bills when they come.
All of our energy for living -- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological all comes out of one source -- sort of like a bank account. When we practice self-care in any of these ways, we make deposits into the energy bank. Frequently, however, we forget to practice that self-care, and we become depleted. Then, when our energy bills come, we feel overdrafted when we have to pay them. When we take the time to take a nap or go for a walk or snuggle with a pet or small child, it helps put energy back in. You may not be able to take that trip to Maui that you've been hoping for, but you can take 5 or 10 minutes to practice mindfulness, do some deep breathing, or listen to a song that helps to brighten your mood.
It can be difficult to persuade yourself to make time for self-care. Life gets hectic, situations get overwhelming, and expectations can feel unreasonable. Think, however, about the difference between a toddler who has had a nap and one who hasn't. Right. The one who's had the nap is definitely easier to work with. Similarly, when you take time for yourself, you are more functional, too.
So, those old adages about "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" and "make hay while the sun shines" have some old wisdom. Surely we age, and surely the rain will come, but the more we make of the time we have, the better we will be able to manage when the more difficult times come.
I hope you will take some time to give to yourself. Every little bit matters. If you are struggling to do that or are not sure how, I hope you will find me. True, it takes time to come and see me, but it may be that the benefit makes the outlay worthwhile. I believe it does. In the meantime, enjoy the sun.
Furthermore, I am getting some new clients, thus alleviating some of the anxiety in the previous post. My kids are adjusting to their new school situations, and we may be seeing the end of diapers in our near future. The kids are healthy for the moment, and we are starting to find a rhythm. The temperature has dropped a little outside, and it begins to seem that we can breathe a little. How nice it is to have such a pleasant patch of time.
Unfortunately, like many people, I struggle just to sit and enjoy the moment. My mind jumps to what will happen if someone gets sick, if my client load drops, if scheduling decreases, if my car needs some kind of repair.... You get the idea. The fact is that any of those things could happen at any time. Nothing is guaranteed except change, and change is not always what we expect. I am all for positive thinking (and hope, clearly), but I also believe that we have to be honest with ourselves. Nothing we can do can prevent bad things from happening sooner or later. We simply do not have that level of control.
So, what do we do when we don't have control? We take control of what we can manage. We pay attention to eating healthier foods, drinking water, getting rest, getting exercise, spending time with loved ones... As one of my previous clients liked to say, "Start with the basics." We can also choose what we tell ourselves about what is happening and how we respond to those things, but that is a different post. What else can we do?
I encourage people to allow themselves to enjoy the happier times. Many clients have told me that they were afraid to be happy because the depression would hurt that much more when it came back. I tend to liken this to refusing to take a paycheck because I might have bills next week. Yes, it hurts when depression comes back, but enjoying the happy times is like putting money in the bank so that you can have a better chance of handling the bills when they come.
All of our energy for living -- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological all comes out of one source -- sort of like a bank account. When we practice self-care in any of these ways, we make deposits into the energy bank. Frequently, however, we forget to practice that self-care, and we become depleted. Then, when our energy bills come, we feel overdrafted when we have to pay them. When we take the time to take a nap or go for a walk or snuggle with a pet or small child, it helps put energy back in. You may not be able to take that trip to Maui that you've been hoping for, but you can take 5 or 10 minutes to practice mindfulness, do some deep breathing, or listen to a song that helps to brighten your mood.
It can be difficult to persuade yourself to make time for self-care. Life gets hectic, situations get overwhelming, and expectations can feel unreasonable. Think, however, about the difference between a toddler who has had a nap and one who hasn't. Right. The one who's had the nap is definitely easier to work with. Similarly, when you take time for yourself, you are more functional, too.
So, those old adages about "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" and "make hay while the sun shines" have some old wisdom. Surely we age, and surely the rain will come, but the more we make of the time we have, the better we will be able to manage when the more difficult times come.
I hope you will take some time to give to yourself. Every little bit matters. If you are struggling to do that or are not sure how, I hope you will find me. True, it takes time to come and see me, but it may be that the benefit makes the outlay worthwhile. I believe it does. In the meantime, enjoy the sun.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
"I Haven't Got Time for the Change" vs. "A Change Will Do You Good"
Where I am, change is about to be in full swing. Kids here return to school on Monday. This will be my son's first day of Kindergarten ::shiver::. My daughter will have to go to her preschool without her brother for the first time in her memory. My husband and I are grateful for the reduced cost in childcare, but we're not sure how to cope with the fact that our baby is not such a baby anymore.
At work, a beloved support, administrator, and clinician is retiring --- or changing positions, as she says. I haven't known her long, but she has been instrumental in helping me adjust to private practice and in helping me put aside some of the professional demons I've been carrying with me. She is stepping away to spend more time with her family and to take on some other roles. I am glad she is doing what she needs to do for herself and her family, but I will miss having her there as a person and as a resource.
My clients are changing some, too. Those that were available for the summer may be going back to school or venturing off for other goals. I enjoy my clients and the work I do, and I find myself in that mother-y sort of position of knowing that they need to make these changes to work toward their goals, and yet I dislike losing the contact of the sessions. I've been joking a lot lately about how ironic it is that we "people people" become therapists -- the only job I can think of where you're not allowed to make contact with your clients once the job is done. I also find myself wondering where I will find new clients.
The question is how to cope with change. What I think is frightening about change is the unknown. What will happen when my child goes to a new school? How will my role change? What will happen after my client goes overseas? Will she continue the amazing work she has been doing? Who will I be after I change? What will my life mean? How will I handle new expectations?
The antidote to that fear, I believe, is trust. It's a tricky proposition, this trust thing, because, by it's very nature, we cannot prove that what or whom we trust will be able to meet our expectations. Many of us have been through changes that were not our choice and/or were not for the better. Trauma survivors, in particular, tend to see most, if not all, change as frightening.
So, what or whom do we trust? For many, faith beliefs give them hope that a higher power is looking out for them and wants what is best for them. This can be a powerful relief and support for those who are able to hold on to it. I don't mean to reduce faith to a coping skill. For those with faith beliefs, clearly faith is much more than that, but on a basic level, it certainly can help us cope.
Hopefully, each of us has someone (or more than one someone) who feels safe to us. This would be a person who makes us feel more ourselves, who listens, and who supports us even when we make mistakes. This person is not magic. He or she cannot solve all of our problems, but we can trust that this person will be there for us through our change. As I have said before, I believe a support system gives us the courage to step out and try new things (Wow! Attachment theory!). When we have someone we trust behind us, we are less afraid to try and less afraid to fail.
Most of all, I think it is important that we trust ourselves. I don't mean to imply that any of us are perfect or that we always know what the right thing is, but I do believe that we have pretty good guidance if we will listen to ourselves. I tell my clients that their guts are different than what they want, how they feel, or what they think. Your gut is what tells you if you feel safe to share in therapy. It is the part that makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck when a situation isn't right. It is the part that can help you differentiate whether you are afraid because something is new or because something is hazardous. If you listen to that part of yourself, you have a pretty good barometer for decision-making.
We tend, however, to ignore our guts. What we learn can be inconvenient. We stay in unhealthy relationships because we fear we cannot find anyone better. We agree to things we don't want to do or that do not feel right because we want others to like us or we don't want to create conflict. We don't want to have to try again or look further or face parts of ourselves that we don't like or that we are afraid are not good enough. For some, their wants and needs have been ignored for so long that they have forgotten how to listen to themselves.
Therapy, I believe, can help with this. My primary goal with most of my clients is to help them reconnect with and begin to listen to themselves. Often, once they start to do so, they find that they are happier with their decisions and with their lives. They feel stronger, and they have ownership of themselves and their choices. Learning to listen to yourself may feel like a risky proposition. If you need a support system to help you feel strong enough to make those changes, I hope you will find me.
As much as I worry about the changes around me, I think we'll all come through. My son will adjust to his new school. My daughter will become more comfortable being at her school without her brother. Frankly, I think they will both come to enjoy the change. I believe in and trust my clients to do what is best for them, even though I likely won't get the end of the story. Their work has been their own doing, and nothing can take that away. Other clients will come, and I will get to start on new journeys with them.
I am thankful for all of the support I have that is helping me through my changes. I hope you have some, as well. If not, I hope you will find me. I would be happy to be there for you.
At work, a beloved support, administrator, and clinician is retiring --- or changing positions, as she says. I haven't known her long, but she has been instrumental in helping me adjust to private practice and in helping me put aside some of the professional demons I've been carrying with me. She is stepping away to spend more time with her family and to take on some other roles. I am glad she is doing what she needs to do for herself and her family, but I will miss having her there as a person and as a resource.
My clients are changing some, too. Those that were available for the summer may be going back to school or venturing off for other goals. I enjoy my clients and the work I do, and I find myself in that mother-y sort of position of knowing that they need to make these changes to work toward their goals, and yet I dislike losing the contact of the sessions. I've been joking a lot lately about how ironic it is that we "people people" become therapists -- the only job I can think of where you're not allowed to make contact with your clients once the job is done. I also find myself wondering where I will find new clients.
The question is how to cope with change. What I think is frightening about change is the unknown. What will happen when my child goes to a new school? How will my role change? What will happen after my client goes overseas? Will she continue the amazing work she has been doing? Who will I be after I change? What will my life mean? How will I handle new expectations?
The antidote to that fear, I believe, is trust. It's a tricky proposition, this trust thing, because, by it's very nature, we cannot prove that what or whom we trust will be able to meet our expectations. Many of us have been through changes that were not our choice and/or were not for the better. Trauma survivors, in particular, tend to see most, if not all, change as frightening.
So, what or whom do we trust? For many, faith beliefs give them hope that a higher power is looking out for them and wants what is best for them. This can be a powerful relief and support for those who are able to hold on to it. I don't mean to reduce faith to a coping skill. For those with faith beliefs, clearly faith is much more than that, but on a basic level, it certainly can help us cope.
Hopefully, each of us has someone (or more than one someone) who feels safe to us. This would be a person who makes us feel more ourselves, who listens, and who supports us even when we make mistakes. This person is not magic. He or she cannot solve all of our problems, but we can trust that this person will be there for us through our change. As I have said before, I believe a support system gives us the courage to step out and try new things (Wow! Attachment theory!). When we have someone we trust behind us, we are less afraid to try and less afraid to fail.
Most of all, I think it is important that we trust ourselves. I don't mean to imply that any of us are perfect or that we always know what the right thing is, but I do believe that we have pretty good guidance if we will listen to ourselves. I tell my clients that their guts are different than what they want, how they feel, or what they think. Your gut is what tells you if you feel safe to share in therapy. It is the part that makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck when a situation isn't right. It is the part that can help you differentiate whether you are afraid because something is new or because something is hazardous. If you listen to that part of yourself, you have a pretty good barometer for decision-making.
We tend, however, to ignore our guts. What we learn can be inconvenient. We stay in unhealthy relationships because we fear we cannot find anyone better. We agree to things we don't want to do or that do not feel right because we want others to like us or we don't want to create conflict. We don't want to have to try again or look further or face parts of ourselves that we don't like or that we are afraid are not good enough. For some, their wants and needs have been ignored for so long that they have forgotten how to listen to themselves.
Therapy, I believe, can help with this. My primary goal with most of my clients is to help them reconnect with and begin to listen to themselves. Often, once they start to do so, they find that they are happier with their decisions and with their lives. They feel stronger, and they have ownership of themselves and their choices. Learning to listen to yourself may feel like a risky proposition. If you need a support system to help you feel strong enough to make those changes, I hope you will find me.
As much as I worry about the changes around me, I think we'll all come through. My son will adjust to his new school. My daughter will become more comfortable being at her school without her brother. Frankly, I think they will both come to enjoy the change. I believe in and trust my clients to do what is best for them, even though I likely won't get the end of the story. Their work has been their own doing, and nothing can take that away. Other clients will come, and I will get to start on new journeys with them.
I am thankful for all of the support I have that is helping me through my changes. I hope you have some, as well. If not, I hope you will find me. I would be happy to be there for you.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Well, now that I've said it...
Have you ever made a statement that you believed but then the world/fate/whatever called upon you to uphold it? This has been true for me. I published a very optimistic post about the power of not being perfect last week, and this week I seem determined to prove the point.
So, I had a new client scheduled yesterday. I have been excited to meet her, and I think we'll be a good fit. And... I misremembered the time and completely missed the appointment. **Sigh** I spoke to her briefly and apologized profusely, but I felt terrible. I don't like to start a therapeutic relationship (or any other) that way, and I want her to understand she is worth more than that. She seemed happy to reschedule, and I hope I get the opportunity to meet with her. But... I was human and imperfect. She was gracious and thoughtful, but she had every right to walk away and not come back. Despite my error, I found grace.
Then, this afternoon, I was leaving my office and I was heading to my car. I was looking at my phone trying to figure out my next step when... I tripped up some cement steps. I can't say for sure if it was because I wasn't paying attention, if it was the heels I was wearing, or... One minute I'm walking, and the next I'm seeing cement come up at me in a hurry. Fortunately, I wasn't badly hurt. I skinned my knee through my pants and got a knot on my shin, but I mostly bruised my dignity. Others might have laughed at me, but that was not my experience. The first person who came up to me mentioned that she had fallen before and I shouldn't be embarrassed. She helped me gather my things. Five or six others came by, none of whom I knew, and each of them asked if I was all right or if I needed help.
It's amazing the grace I've found in the last couple of days despite issues I could have avoided if I'd been paying more attention. So, I've learned two lessons: one is a valuable lesson in mindfulness -- if I check my calendar and watch where I'm walking, I will have an easier life. The other is that I can find grace and forgiveness even when I'm not mindful the way I ought to be. I am thankful for the grace that others have given me this week.
I hope that you can find grace in your life in your rough patches. If you need some help finding that grace, I hope you'll find me.
So, I had a new client scheduled yesterday. I have been excited to meet her, and I think we'll be a good fit. And... I misremembered the time and completely missed the appointment. **Sigh** I spoke to her briefly and apologized profusely, but I felt terrible. I don't like to start a therapeutic relationship (or any other) that way, and I want her to understand she is worth more than that. She seemed happy to reschedule, and I hope I get the opportunity to meet with her. But... I was human and imperfect. She was gracious and thoughtful, but she had every right to walk away and not come back. Despite my error, I found grace.
Then, this afternoon, I was leaving my office and I was heading to my car. I was looking at my phone trying to figure out my next step when... I tripped up some cement steps. I can't say for sure if it was because I wasn't paying attention, if it was the heels I was wearing, or... One minute I'm walking, and the next I'm seeing cement come up at me in a hurry. Fortunately, I wasn't badly hurt. I skinned my knee through my pants and got a knot on my shin, but I mostly bruised my dignity. Others might have laughed at me, but that was not my experience. The first person who came up to me mentioned that she had fallen before and I shouldn't be embarrassed. She helped me gather my things. Five or six others came by, none of whom I knew, and each of them asked if I was all right or if I needed help.
It's amazing the grace I've found in the last couple of days despite issues I could have avoided if I'd been paying more attention. So, I've learned two lessons: one is a valuable lesson in mindfulness -- if I check my calendar and watch where I'm walking, I will have an easier life. The other is that I can find grace and forgiveness even when I'm not mindful the way I ought to be. I am thankful for the grace that others have given me this week.
I hope that you can find grace in your life in your rough patches. If you need some help finding that grace, I hope you'll find me.
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